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Dear WSSD,

I was almost a WAW from a M of many years. I've been here on the board for two years this month. I have come to the conclusion to just start telling LBS's to stop all the BS and go straight for dropping the rope. Have you read that part of the DR book? It doesn't mean to go file for a D or to leave your family. Read it again, if you already have covered the book.

I have given a lot of advice about living under the same roof with a WAW, but if you want to cut to the chase, drop the rope. When she sees that you show no interest in her whatsoever and you do not enable her A whatsoever and you do not cater to her or even "care" what she does.....EXCEPT that she shows you respect and that your children are not mistreated, then THAT will get her attention. Everything else just makes her mad or turns her emotionlly off towards you.

Don't misundertand what dropping the rope is. It's important that you realize that it is not being cold, rude, mean, etc. You just don't give her a special place in your heart or your life. You treat her as if she was a distant casual friend and nothing more. Yes, it's hard to do. YOUR emotions will suffer in the beginning, and it takes a strong man to do it, but if you want to survive this ordeal, start detaching today. Drop that emotional rope you have tied to her and start making life about you and the children. You don't owe her calls, emails, TM's, nothing.

Sandi

Sandi,
I am living with a WAW, in fact we still share a bed (nothing happens in it except for sleeping, of course). We have been getting along fine for a while. Now for some reason she talks down to me if she talks to me at all. Nothing I do around the house is right. I am trying very hard to GAL, but it is difficult with 2 boys under the age of 6. She will go out some nights, but it is difficult for me as I have to get up at 4 to go to work in the morning. I did join a gym and go 3 or 4 nights a week. Do you have any suggestions on how I can act or say? I tell her to have fun and be careful when she goes out. I don't ask her how her evening was or anything like that. I used to call her at work, but now I don't even so much as text her unless it is about the kids.

The most important thing you can do as her H....and as a man....is to demand respect from her. If your wife does not respect you....you might as well pack it up, b/c she will never LOVE a man she can't respect. It goes hand in hand for a female. It is just the way we are made.

My H was a very bashful and quiet men. He was very gentle and that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He was sweet and kind and would have treated me like a queen.....if I had acted like one "after" we got M! However, since he was so gentle and kind...I began talking down to him and not showing respect. He finally got a belly full and he stood up to me and let me know that I was not going to talk to him disrespectfully nor treat him in that fashion. Now, he never threaten me or anything like that b/c he is not a violent man (I would have left him, if he had). But a man doesn't have to threaten to get his W's attention and make her know he means business. I think it is a soft, very firm voice....and that serious look on his face.....while he's in "her face" (so to speak), that makes her realize she's over-stepped the line.

I am sad in some ways b/c I was such a b*tch and made him get "tough" as he matured. But, at the same time, he needed to grow up b/c we were such kids when we M. He would never have been able to face the problems we had to face later in years if he had not toughen up. I do miss that boy I M who was such a sweet, kind, gentle person. I still could cry when I think about it. I actually realized one time that I was "mourning" over the boy I lost, and this was a different man who I lived with now. I was part of the reason he was different. "Me" and "life" had changed him. So, I had to learn to like the man he had become....just as he had to learn to like the woman I had become. I can tell you one thing.....I sure "respected" him!

Even after all we went through with my EA, I came through it all respecting the man he is today. That goes a long, long way with women.

I have seen young couples get M and happen to know the girl was a very "selfish" or "spoiled". Many of those couples split-up simply b/c the boy could never get control and take his respected place as the man of the home. Respect must be given to each partner, but there is something about a woman losing respect for her H that M just can't survive.

Oh....and she WILL test him! That is why he may be surprised the first few times she shows a sign of disrespect. Women are kind of like kids. You know how kids test parents! If they can get by with it....then they will continue. So, it's best to nip it in the bud when it starts.

Don't threaten to be physical. In fact....never threaten anything you aren't prepared to back up....but I never support any physical abuse (just wanted to cover myself here...). Men can detach, leave the house when the W is being ugly, stop talking to her, stop doing things with her and just ignore her as if she didn't exsist...things like that. That may get the message across that she's not to disrespect her H. The main thing is to "tell" her she's showing disrepect and that you will not respect her as a woman and will not respect her as your W as long as she continues doing it.

Take care,
Sandi

Sandi,

That's one of the best posts I've read on here in a long, long time. I wish you would start a thread -- maybe call it "Love and Respect" -- and re-post that. Because there are a LOT of men on here who need to read it.

The "Love and Respect" book, by Eggerichs, changed my thinking on all of this, and was one of the biggest "aha!" moments of my adult life.

Puppy

thanks for the candid sharing sandi. i hope a bunch more people read it.

i suppose recirc'ing it to the top (as now) will help in that regard.


Ted

Nailed it Sandy, I as well seem to have all of a sudden grown up in my marriage and as a man. I am 40 years old, and have just recently not consider myself a kid, my wife helped me do that, although it was the most traumatic, difficult, awful, and scary time in my life. I thank her for that.

Burt

Sandi,

Great post. I read it this am, and I completely get it. I posted on my thread this am to ask ways we H's with WAW's can do things to cultivate respect in our W's. Would love to hear your take on that.

As always, thanks.