Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers K4D Rising #3

Believe it or not, I feel like I am finally starting to detach more. Its kind of a weird feeling. Strangely I don't want to be detached but I feel like it is starting to happen naturally the more time we are spending apart. I am actually starting to feel better mentally and emotionally.

Very strange. I am actually not quite as consumed as I previously was.

Kevin

Good!!!

Just make sure you go to your meetings, and keep up the good progress!

Puppy

Detaching is a strange feeling but if I may offer a gentle suggestion, dont fight it internally. Dont let it become an internal battle. As much as we would all like the act of detaching to be as simple as getting dressed in the morning, in most cases it has to be a very organic process. Its interesting, while the act of detaching is sort of a universal process it is also a very personal one.

In your case I think the BEST thing you can do is to remain as dark as possible with your W. I can speak from experience that for a long time I could give a rats ass about my H when we went weeks/months w/o talking at all but when I had any contact with him I backslid terrible. Which of course means I wasnt detached but simply distanced. And I guess sometimes we have to get in the "distance groove" and then the organic process of detachement starts.

As humans I think are natural insticts are to fight (not physically, I just mean fight for what is "right" to us). So when we stop the fight and just become an individual it is an odd feeling. I can openly admit one of the hardest aspects of all of this for me was NOT considering my H and his feelings, not being there for him and not protecting him despite the fact he was acting like a heathen.

Dont fight the unknown - embrace it. Its sort of like when you break your leg and need crutches for a while. The first few days w/crutches are very clumsy and awkward but after a few weeks you are zipping around on crutches like you have used them all your life. You know you *need* the crutches so you learn to adapt. You need to detach and you know that so if it feels clumsy and strange at first that is okay - soon enough you will be "zipping around" like you have been detached all your life.

I still think you would highly benefit from using the emotional thought stopping techinques (I posted the link to you several thread ago). I also think you would benefit from doing "something" quickly once your W enters your mind (remember I suggested push ups each time?).

Detachement is really the first step but it also means there is much work to do. Build on this momentum.

Great post CG...

Can't remember where it was, but the thoughts you are expressing are ones that newbies & oldbies trying to detach need to remember... To me, the simplest way of looking at this is to remember that as long as you think you're detached, you aren't detached; because you can only be detached when you Know you are detached...



CG, can you point me to your "thought stopping techinques" link or a good resource?

Thanks,

AlexEN

Here is one link on "emotional thought stopping" that is quite good and offers a four part lesson on the ins and outs of it all.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14703-thought-stopping-in-recovery/

If you do a Google search using the keywords "emotional thought stopping techniques" you will come up with many other links that are equally as good although for the most part the concept is the same.

HTH!

I found techniques like this helpful for dealing with a sudden death as well. And frankly, doing whatever works. And trying new stuff if your tools are not working seems obvious, but isn't always getting done.

Anyhow, as CG said, don't fight this. And if distance helps you start detaching, then keep doing it! Whatever works for now - is what works for now.

j-

Just letting you all know that I am still around. I just haven't had much to say. I have been busy at work and I did have dinner with a priest last night and that went very well. It was the first time I have ever talked to a priest as opposed to a minister at a church.

I get my kids tomorrow night so I am looking forward to that. Tonite I am having dinner with friends.

I think I am doing better. While I still want my marriage repaired, I am moving to the point mentally where I don't need my wife or have to have her, but I want to have her back. But I am doing ok without her. I still think about her. But it doesn't stop me from being able to do things I need to do now.

So I would say that I am getting healthier in that sense. I still pray each day for our marriage and I am reminded that while I may not see anything myself happening, it doesn't mean that God is not working on the situation. Its up to W whether or not she chooses to accept whatever he is putting in her path. I have no control over that situation.

Life is going ok. Its getting better somehow. My life seems to be getting more peaceful now compared to what it has been like through this process.

But I do believe I am getting to that point where I don't NEED her, but I want her and I want my family back intact. I am accepting the fact that this could be a very long time so I can't stop living life, but I will continue to work on me and pray none the less.

Kevin

Glad to hear it. That is where you want to be.

Just keep on becoming the best Kevin you can be and God will take care of the rest.

PMA

What you're feeling right now is not "peace". It's resignation.

You can totally hear it in your posting. What have you been doing to lift yourself? I don't see much "rising" on your part. Just a beaten attitude.

You list the things you've done as if they were chores. Have you "lived" yet?

In a way I do feel defeated and like I have resigned myself to the fact that this is just how things are right now and may be for a very very long time.

What have I done to lift myself? Just doing things with friends.

Kevin