Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finally trying to move on without H

wolverine:
honestly, if he said that to me..i would definitely leave him alone. i know you dont think i will but i wont contact him again. i made that promise to myself. but if he doesnt email me back giving me that closure, i will still keep to my promise of not contacting him again. i will continue with the 180 and i will stay strong!!!! thanks wolverine!!

kimmie lee:
i dont like being told to GAL either because its so fresh to me right now and because the pain and heartache is the only thing you feel that it just hurts even more to be told to GAL. i know its important to so and i will once a bit more time has passed. right now, i need to stay in bed and cry for just a bit more and because like you, i just have to.

in regards to the email telling me he loves me everyday, i told him to stop because its too painful to receive no matter how much i anticipate getting it every single day. but i dont think its a game, i just think he wants to get it across to me that he doesnt hate me because hes leaving, he loves me but cant be with me and maybe to lessen the blow a little bit, he tells me that everyday to maybe make me feel better about myself. so i havent heard from him since the email. i dont expect to. for the time being, im going to cry as much as i need to and just let it out. i cried about 4 times today, its pretty bad, but i feel better after crying. and lying in bed is comforting even tho its not too good for my health. ill give myself another week..thats my goal right now, to get out of bed by next week which would mark our one month separation.

Good for you, sweetie. You do have to let it out.

Hey, not trying to hurt your feelings by saying to GAL but just telling you what you need to hear. The longer you wait the harder it becomes. I understand that you need time to vent and cry but just don't let one week turn into two and then two into three, etc. Your healing begins when you decide to take charge and GAL. But you definitely need to take the time that you need. Just don't let it go too long. It will get better.

Oh my goodness! We are so similar.

I have been diagnosed with depression. I think it was 2 years ago that I began treatment. Along with counseling, let me suggest medication. It changed my life. I know some might disagree with that advice, but they may have never known what living with depression feel like. When my H left, I had to cry for 2 weeks before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. After I got through that, I could begin working on my own strength.

Trust me, it will get better. Find a friend or a group to help you through it. Please know that it will get better. My H has done the same thing that your H has. He called everyday to check on me. He was so concerned for me. I clung to that, but I shouldn't have. My H does love me, but my depression was too much for him to live with. I finally realized that I gave him complete control over my happiness. I had to get that back. No one can live with kind of pressure.

My advice to you is to lay low. He needs space. He needs to see that you can be happy apart from him. When he knows this, he will want to work on things if he loves you. He seems to love you, but not know how to be fully responsible for all of what you have handed over to him.

I know this seems trite, but pretend to be strong. Act as if you were the strongest woman you can imagine. It helps. Don't call. Don't cry to him. Don't ask him to set boundaries. And, above all else, do not ask him questions that when answered my leave you devastated. Guard your heart. If he might answer in a way that you cannot cope with, do not give him the opportunity! You will get to the place where you will know that regardless of what he does, you will be OK.

Don't lose hope.

Beep. I've been throgh the deprssion wringer several times in my life too. First episode at age 15. I had no idea what the f was going on. Lately labeled as dysthymic (always depressed) with recurring sit depression waiting for bpII dx to rule out. Its in the family.

Anyway, this is one you've got to fight, okay. Its going to hurt and its going to slow you down but fight it. Extra visits to psy, reevaluate rxs. Now do everything you wouldn't usually do when depressed. Call friends, go out, treat yourself, exercise (must do), and stay busy.

It's not fair we have this and it's hard for them to understand. But make it work. Even if it's huge effort just to go for a walk, try. Go through the motions. I did it and so can you.

wolverine:
i totally understand, you didnt hurt my feelings at all, i know people are only trying to help when they tell me to GAL cause i know i need to, thats all. i agree that the longer you wait the harder it becomes, but i also believe that you need to do what you need to do in order to get to that point where you're actually ABLE to move forward and for me, i honestly think i need more time, another week. allowing myself one whole month of crying will make it just a bit easier and ill look back after that month of crying has passed and see that it was far too much and then ill get going!! i wont let it turn into more than that, i will promise myself that.
thanks so much for your concern, i really really appreciate all your comments and advice

needinghope:
omg, you have NOOOOOO idea how good it feels that i found someone who is in a similar sitch as me!!! i was thinking all along that i was the only crazy girl with depression that forced her H to leave

i was suicidal when my H walked out on me and i ended up being admitted for a week the day after he left. they assigned me IC and medication. i went in to see the IC a few days ago and it turns out that shes not my IC, shes just getting a feel for my story and is putting in a request for a therapist that would be able to work with my case. so i actually havent had any C yet. she also DOUBLED my AD dosage because after a test, i was proven to have extreme depression. ive only been taking the meds for 2.5 weeks so it doesnt work yet so im hoping it will soon, i think it takes about a month to kick in. patience, patience.

unfortunately needinghope, i havent found the light at the end of the tunnel yet and its been 3 weeks of nonstop crying, stomach pains, anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares. so i am giving myself another week to try and stop the crying and finally try and work myself.

i totally understand what youre saying about giving your H complete control over my happiness, and it was far too much for him to take. he kept saying, i can't be the only one, the only thing that makes you happy, there has to be more, and he said that he couldnt be the only one that i talk to about my problems when im sad, he just couldnt take the pressure. and i understand completely, i didnt when i was with him, but i was able to read so much and talk to a few people to understand how my behavior truly affected his ability to be with me and to cope.

i know he needs his space but im finding it really difficult. yesterday, he wrote me an email saying he couldnt meet me to go see a movie and talk afterwards and said that he doesnt know when he will see me. (i havent seen or spoken to him for 3 weeks.. the only contact is thru email). i have to admit i got angry and i was so dissapointed. i was being really good, i didnt contact him, i didnt ask him about us, i didnt mention the R or the D and he noticed the changes and mentioned that to me and said that he felt relief and comfort from my tone in emails i send him (in response to his) and i couldnt understand why he couldnt see me to go to a movie, i even told him that i didnt want to talk about anything, only if he did. and he said he would see me cause he wanted to and all he wanted to do was hold me and be with cause he loves me and i know he does. so i got really frustrated and i sent him an email that i felt was good for me to be able to move on. in the email, i wrote that i couldnt go on anymore like this, that i cant keep getting ILY emails because they are too painful and i cant have the lingering thought in my head of when i was going to see him or speak to him. my heart is too fragile right now to be able to handle the unknown in that regard. so i asked him to end this with me by emailing me back and telling me that he wasnt in love with me anymore and then id be able to break free from him and he wouldnt hear from me again (unless he emailed me back with a question or something). and i really promise myself that, i wont contact him again.

i dont know if its the right thing to do, i know some people dont think it was and think my need for closure is just another reason to contact him and ill find other reasons to contact him and i know others believe its a huge step in detaching from him. i really dont know at this point. all i know is that whether or not he contacts me with a response, i will not contact him back. ill give myself that one last week to mourn my loss, to cry and vent, too lie in bed and daydream about him, and then i will get out, get up and GAL. that is a promise that i am making to myself and its written down for all of you to hold against me if i dont live up to it!!!

thanks so much for all your help needinghop and i hope you come back and post often, its really nice to know someone that understand exactly how i feel and is in a similar sitch as mine!!

orangedog:

thanks for your support. depression does suck and its not fair. in my case, i do believe it was genetic, my mom is severely depressed (all has to do with being enslaved during a war, majority of her siblings were murdered, her father committed suicide b/c he didnt want to see his kids being murdered by these cruel men, along with my dads family being extremely cruel to her as well after the war) and she takes everything out on me (im the youngest and the only girl in the family) and i think she wants to live her young life thru me by telling me how i should be living. must be beautiful at all times, must excel and be the top of the class in school, must make a lot of money, must marry the perfect man with money and good looks, must be subservient to him and do all the chores around the house and have a beautiful baby that must be taken care of by me only and live my life serving my husband hand and foot. so i grew up with nothing but criticism from her and it took its toll on me and i havent spoken to her since the last incident where she told me to kill myself if i was that heartbroken by my H leaving.

i feel like not only am i battling depression, i am also battling with my H leaving and battling my beyond critical and emotionally cruel mother and this puts me in a very hard position to try and move on with my life. but i know i have to. ive been thru so much in my life thats traumatic (everyone who hears my full story tells me i should write a book!..maybe i really should..ill get out my feelings and maybe make some money at it if i get published!!) but i know that cant stay stuck forever and i dont want to. i want to be happy again, i am only 25 and everyone keeps telling me that this is the prime of my life and that theres no point in trying to keep going after my H and just to let him go. but i love him and i dont want to but i think i truly have to in order to move on. if he wants to come back, i would be overjoyed. but i know i have to move on with my life in order to get better. I WILL MAKE IT WORK. thank so much for your inspiration orangedog! its so nice to know people who care so much for others. its so refreshing!

Hey, beep,

Just on my way out, so real quick:

1) Have you checked out the article Drew7 linked to on the Newcomer thread Detachment?

2) Get a hold of The Ultramind Solution by Mark Hyman and see what you think. With its short quizzes that show you which faulty neurotransmitters are your major contributors to depression and what you can do to get 'em firing again, it was a Godsend for me.

By taking specific amino acids, I got more relief than the meds and my Dr. is now transitioning me off them.*

* This statement is not intended as medical advice nor a a substitute for medical advice. You should always consult your healthcare provider before blah blah blah now ya can't sue me

well, after waking up early and spending all morning checking my email ANNND reading lots of posts on here, i am finally being forced to go out. havent brushed my teeth yet, havent showered, havent eaten. been lying in bed all morning long.

now i have to get up and get dressed and head on out to my old work studio where my H and I spent so much time working together, and pack everything up this is going to be one of the hardest things i have to do since he left.. the reminders of good times, the reminder of how amazing our business was.. i was getting so much press, requests from fashion magazines to do a story on us, people were blogging about us, celebrities and designers were noticing us and even bought from us, models lining up to work for us..and now, its over. im left with a ton of our gorgeous furnituure which we spent so much money on and a million pieces of stock thats going to be stored in my basement instead of being photographed on a model in a magazine which is what was supposed to happen!! im so angry. our business was blossoming. i really really dont want to give it up but its over now unfortunately. im 2 months behind on rent which my H left and i have NO money left to pay for it, and i already let my models go, and i no longer have a photographer since my H was in charge of that position. so now i have move out and close the business down, im hoping that when i get better and settle my emotions down and feel better about myself and have more confidence, i just might open it back up. im just so angry that its stopped now while we were getting so much attention. sigh

i will just have to swallow that for now, just get on with moving everything out, cry for a bit, and deal with getting better. i dont want to lose this business but i cant deal with it anymore..just not now. but i hope time will be my best friend and get me thru this.

wish me luck moving..its going to be extremely emotional for me. i will most likely break down when i get there but ill get thru it.