Quote: Did your counselor give you any advice about the frequency? I would think that us HD's would want to place the dart in the bullseye more often than our LD partners.
Actually, he did! He said that we should not limit ourselves to the twice a week frequency we had agreed on at the prevoius meeting. The reason for that being we'd hit the twice a week with ease. The C said we should request as much as we liked over the course the 2 weeks but that neither should feel guilty in saying No . . . As long as we give our spouse a reason for the No. Both my H and I agreed to this. And sure, as the HD partner I'd love to request every night but like I said, I'm not greedy and my H *is* getting back into the swing of things, so we'll take it one day at a time.
Quote: I wish my boss's wife wasn't his wife so that we could go to her; I think she'd be wonderful.
You really need someone who does not know you at all. That way they can be totally objective. My only concern with us is what happens when the sessions end? How does one keep up the momentum without someone to 'report' to? I guess I'll find out.
My H and I agreed between ourselves to shoot for 2-3 times a week. That just isn't happening though; if I didn't initiate, it would probably be closer to once a month.
I'm lucky that my insurance is a PPO plan. I don't need referrals and can have up to 30 sessions a year with a $15 co-pay per visit. We do have the EAP option also, but I've found that, although free for 6 sessions, the counselors are generally not on our PPO plan.
I understand what you're saying about a counselor not knowing us; my boss's wife is just so easy to talk to. My daughter (15) and her dad (my ex) are currently in counseling, and I did get referrals from my boss's wife for that. My ex switched the verbal abuse over to our daughter after I left him in 1999; luckily, the court stopped requiring her to visit because of his abuse.
You have no idea how great (and encouraging) it is to hear that you're making progress. It must also be so wonderful to know that he loves you (and your relationship) enough to try.
Quote: My H and I agreed between ourselves to shoot for 2-3 times a week. That just isn't happening though
I think our success is because we are being held accountable to a 3rd party right now.
Quote: I don't need referrals and can have up to 30 sessions a year with a $15 co-pay per visit.
My plan is similar, 25 visits/year @ $25.00/visit.
Quote: We do have the EAP option also, but I've found that, although free for 6 sessions, the counselors are generally not on our PPO plan.
My EAP is who set us up with with C we are seeing now, so I'm very satisfied. Also, my family doctor said he'd heard great things about this C from others.
Quote: My ex switched the verbal abuse over to our daughter after I left him in 1999; luckily, the court stopped requiring her to visit because of his abuse.
My ex does this with our youngest son, 25 {as he did it to me for decades}. Has for years and years. The ex hasn't gotten it through his head that HE is the one with the problem and should be in serious therapy. <sigh>
Quote: You have no idea how great (and encouraging) it is to hear that you're making progress. It must also be so wonderful to know that he loves you (and your relationship) enough to try.
It is wonderful, but then I knew he was like this 33 yrs ago when I first met him; it's what kept me looking for him for all that time. I told him again last night what a good guy he is and that I love him so much for trying to change.
For what it's worth, the lack of sex wasn't the only reason I suggested we see a C. I could tell he had a lot of bad memories/demons stored up inside that were keeping him from enjoying life. Hopefully we will come out of this with a better sexual side to our marriage and he will be an all-around happier person.
My ex also verbally abused me for the 16 years of our marriage. HE doesn't have a problem though. He refused counseling because HE doesn't have a problem. Last year I finally got our daughter out of parenting time with her dad, costing me thousands of dollars. He asked her how SHE could do that to him. The child support went up, he filed an appeal, and she ended up having to go again. Counseling was required, but the counselor (male) sided 100% with my ex and kept trying to fix our daughter (her fault she was verbally abused, I guess). My daughter hated the counselor.
This time (July), I settled for around $80 a month less to get her back out. I demanded a female counselor; my daughter also has veto power if she doesn't like the counselor.
He's a lot nicer, as much as he's capable of being, to our 13 year old son. However, he did use his recent bout with skin cancer to scare both kids by telling them that he's dying. He finally admitted to our son that he was not dying but tried to give our daughter the message that this was all happening because she talked to the judge and got visits stopped.
As far as my H and I, the sex thing isn't our only issue either. He is self-employed (remodeling) and hasn't been contributing much to the household over the last couple of years. Like the sex stuff, he wouldn't probably do anything unless I insisted. He finally got a job in sales for another company, which was good for the first couple of months but has now fallen off. He's really great about giving the kids money but doesn't give me any to help with bills. Funny thing, my (now-ex) SIL says that my H's brother was exactly the same way. My in-laws have supported my H's sister (now 36) her entire adult life. Getting very little sex AND paying all the bills is stressful.
My H is great about running the kids around and does most of the cooking; I think I made it sound like he sits around watching TV while I work and pay for everything. He's also finished the basement, remodeled a bathroom, etc. I pay for materials but am lucky in that I get free labor, which I appreciate very much. If he has money, he will help out BUT only if I ask.
I had a lot of "alone" down time, which doesn't happen often with 2 teenagers in the house. My H had to work both Sat. & Sun.
It was the usual with us...we both wake up early, but he doesn't initiate anything. He'll snuggle but that's the extent of it. After about an hour of this, I turned away from him. He then pulled me back over, saying that he had been trying for an hour BUT he hadn't done anything at all. We did end up having sex, with him having to get out of bed a few minutes later.
The together time afterwards is really important to me. However, I cannot get him to understand that this is the reason I prefer night instead of morning for sex.
Hope your weekend was good and that you had a "winning game" of darts.
P.S. I'm being a bad wife tonight...staying home from his 10:30 p.m. hockey game:)
Quote: It was the usual with us...we both wake up early, but he doesn't initiate anything. He'll snuggle but that's the extent of it. After about an hour of this, I turned away from him.
This sounds so familiar. It's a carbon copy of our sex life. Usually I just get up.
Quote: We did end up having sex, with him having to get out of bed a few minutes later. The together time afterwards is really important to me. However, I cannot get him to understand that this is the reason I prefer night instead of morning for sex.
Ditto. I prefer night, too, but won't turn down a morning. However, the mornings for us are limited to Sunday only. And H is usually too tired during the week. It doesn't leave a big window of opportunity. I can't understand that if I'm willing to stay in bed in the morning, why he can't reciprocate and come to bed a bit earlier at night.
Quote: Hope your weekend was good and that you had a "winning game" of darts.
Yes, the game was won. But since Friday there has been no indication from him that he's interested in a repeat. And to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid to request again. I tried staying awake last night till he got out of the shower, but since I'd had no indication of even the slightest hint of interest, I fell asleep. So, I have no idea what his intentions were last night.
But today is another day. I'll see what the 'climate' is this evening. I think I may suggest a game of real darts and see what happens.
Quote: Ditto. I prefer night, too, but won't turn down a morning. However, the mornings for us are limited to Sunday only.
And H is usually too tired during the week. It doesn't leave a big window of opportunity. I can't understand that if I'm willing to stay in bed in the morning, why he can't reciprocate and come to bed a bit earlier at night.
Rose,2 things,
Men generally want it in the morning and women at night.
Two, the physcial thing is after sex, guys have a hormone that puts them to sleep, while the female still can go. You why god did this, back when we were cave types, the female got serviced from serveral sources, so the species would survive.
There is also a reason why the member has a crown, it is to sweep seed of the previous encouter.
Quote: the physcial thing is after sex, guys have a hormone that puts them to sleep, while the female still can go.. . . . .
The things you learn on this forum. Just funnin' ya. Seriously, my H is a talker after sex. Much more than I am and much more than before or during. Afterwards he'll talk for about 1/2 hour or so. Because he gets up so early in the morning for work, this is a drawback to encounters during the weeknights. That's all I meant with my comment there.
But since Friday there has been no indication from him that he's interested in a repeat. And to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid to request again. I tried staying awake last night till he got out of the shower, but since I'd had no indication of even the slightest hint of interest, I fell asleep. So, I have no idea what his intentions were last night. 