Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE A Thank-You

I hope this is OK to change Subject headings within a thread.

Both of us are encouraged by the first C appt last night. We were there for an hour and go back next Wednesday. C is man in his early 40s, very personable. Knew just the right questions to ask to draw out information from both H and I. Made us feel comfortable in talking about a difficult issue. When C asked what had brought us there, H stepped up to the plate and explained the situation.

I learned more about his first wife last night and I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut. But C nailed it when he looked at me and said, "I expect right about now you'd like to murder his first wife." All I could do was nod. I learned that after H's son was born she shut off all sex. And to ensure that happening, she slept in a separate bed with the baby in the bed with her. Now . . . here was H, only 20-21, hormones at full tilt, being shut off. He told the therapist that he didn't run around on her, that he also shut down completely and used the training he was getting in the Army to exert full control over his urges. He did that for 8 yrs before they divorced. He said that by that time he had full control and eventually this led to problems down the road with his other wives and girlfriends.

C talked to him at length about his previous marriages/relationships and his fear of 'losing control' ; asked him if he was afraid I would do the same thing as his 1stEx. H said no, he never had to fear anything like that from me; that I only declined once in over a year, and that was because I was really sick. C said that it then became an exercise in how to lose control, how to overcome the voices in his head that are holding him back and how to have fun in bed again. C told H the same thing I did: That H is doing to me the same thing he Ex did to him. And that as long as he continues to exert control over his emotions, he's seeing me in the same light as his first Ex.

At that point my thoughts about the first Ex were pretty nasty. I never want to know where this woman lives (although she lives within 10 miles of us) nor what she looks like. I'm afraid of what I might do or say. H is such a good guy it makes me cry to think what she did to him. I'm so proud of him for going last night and talking to a stranger about a sexual problem. Not all guys, or women, could do it.

We ended the session with 'homework.' C asked him if he thought he could go home last night and initiate. H said yes. C asked if he could commit to that and H said yes. C asked "You won't go back on this will you?" H said no, that when he commits to something he follows through. The 2nd part of the homework involved the C tossing a coin. I had to call it in the air. If I won, I got to initiate one more time before our next meeting. If I lost, H has to initiate one more time. I lost. So sometime between now and next Wednesday, H will initiate.

I will say we had a wonderful night last night. I told him this morning that he seemed more relaxed, 'playful', and full of the devil. It seemed to me like he actually had fun. I asked him (as the C said I should) what his inner voices had been saying to him last night. H said they'd been quiet.

I'm looking at the world through glasses that are a bit rosier this morning and so is H. One or two sessions won't resolve the whole issue, but we both feel it's a solid step in the right direction.

GR

Wow GR that is GREAT I am really pleased for you that it is going so well and lots of credit to your H for being so good about it all.

I think you should do something extra nice for him to show your appreciation. Something special he would really like. Be sure to give him lots of praise (if that's the right word sounds a bit patronising but you know what I mean) for doing this. It must be quite hard for him and it sounds like he is doing it for you, which is really sweet of him. Hey I hope this is going to have a happy ending. You can go in the success stories section if it does!

I had a Dr's appt this morning for asthma and a BP check. BP was high. Dr. asked a lot of questions, the upshot being he now has me on Lexapro for depression. 10mg/day. This has been building for nearly a year. Usually I can shrug off the blues, but this time they've dug their heels in.

Dr. told me that this med produces few side effects but I'd like to hear from others who may be on it. I've already taken one today and I feel weird, 'not all there.' Not to the point where I can't work, just different.

Any pros? Cons? Comments from others? Thanks. And I've already given my Dr permission to speak to my T about all this. 2nd T appt this afternoon.

Barbara

Rose, sorry to hear you are feeling down. In my personal opinion Drs are way too inclined to hand out meds to people with the blues. I think there is a difference between this and what I would call clinical depression (for which I do agree with medication but I think it should be combined with therapy with a view to getting off it again once better). I can understand why they do it because obviously if you get any worse you will have a serious problem, which they wish to forstall. They only have a limited no. of options and they want to do something to help.

But to me feeling down is a symptom rather than a disease. Like being run down physically, it is a wake up call to take a look at your life and start sorting out the problems. Actually that is what I think the main difference between feeling down and depression is. Depression is where no matter how good things are you still feel depressed. Feeling down is where if you took yourself off for a nice day out with friends you'd have a great time. You might feel bad when you are alone with the housework but you don't always feel bad.

Look I am not in any way qualified to say this, it is just my personal way of doing things. If I feel down (which I do sometimes) I look at my life to see if there is anything in it I can improve, any unnecessary stresses I can remove, anything I could be doing to make myself happier. I try to think positively a la feel the fear and do it anyway (have you read this book? It's great), I never dwell on my problems- if I find myself worrying I use some form of escapism to forget my troubles (I read somewhere that this is actually a good way to avoid getting depressed). I used to be a worrier, I think this is a behaviour you learn from your parents, my Mum is a terrible worrier and so is my Gran. But worrying does not solve any of your problems. You only need to think about them once, come up with some kind of solution, and then forget them.

I think you've had a stressful time over the last few years. Even good stress, like getting married can take it's toll. You've had a lot to deal with, and it's no wonder you are feeling a bit worse for wear. But if I were in your shoes I would start looking at anti stress techniques, massage, relaxation, physical exercise, acupuncture ?( I tried it for a bad shoulder once and it seemed to help) healthy eating ect. Maybe have a holiday (an easy one no stressful travelling), make sure you take time out to do things you enjoy. Positive thinking!!!!! It might take a while to get really healthy mentally, just as it takes a while to get really healthy physically. Well they both go together so you need to look after your body and mind. This might help the high BP too. If you do feel you need the meds right now then do take them but be sure to do all the other stuff as well. That way you can get off them asap and you will feel a lot better as well.

Hi Jiji:

Normally I'd agree with you, as I'm a person totally opposed to meds/procedures if it can be done naturally. And usually I'm fine. In the past I could shake things off. But not this time. I can't sleep well, I'm fidgety, I feel like I want to jump out of my body. I have little interest anymore in doing anything that used to give me pleasure and I have continual feelings of worthlessness. I cry a LOT.

I knew it wasn't going to go away by itself and I knew I needed help this time. So I brought it up with my doctor yesterday. For what it's worth, I also told the therapist last night and I've given both T and Dr. permission to speak to each other.

Yes, it's been a very rough 16 or so months for me. An end to a 27 yr marriage, moving away and leaving behind my sons/grandson/co-workers/friends. And then the positive stressors you also mentioned. I think it's all coming down on me now.

As always, thank you for your thoughts,

Barbara

Hi again Rose
I talked to my Mum a bit about this today she is a mental nurse and works in a hospital. I did not mention your sitch at all but asked her what she thinks about meds and depression ect. On the whole she seemed to agree with what I said. She thinks medication is useful in it's place but other forms of therapy are also equally important. She also said it is important to talk to people for support and not bottle things up. She said the people who do not seem to improve are those who have a bad sitch in their life but for some reason are not willing to do anything about it, for example someone in a very unhappy M who is not willing to end it because they do not want to be alone. They are also people with a lot of anger and regrets about the past which they cannot let go. She also recommends moderate physical exercise as a counter to depression. Anyway thought you might like to know. Not related to depression but she is always on at me to take vitamin suppliments- and echinea for colds, don't know if it works but I do to avoid nagging.

Did you see the T again yet? How did it go?

Last night I made the first move in over a year. By placing a dart in the bulleye of the dartboard I signaled my interest in sex. We'd made plans to go out after supper for a few games of pool, so I placed the dart just before we left the house. I knew H saw it and I had my fingers crossed that he wouldn't reject me.

He didn't! In fact he made mention of it a couple of times before we finally turned in for the night. Suffice it to say it was a wonderful night all around.

I'm not going to get greedy, I'll wait till next week sometime to 'dart' again. Of course, he can reciprocate at any time. It will be interesting to see if he does.

Last night was also the first night in several months that I slept through the whole night until the alarm went off this morning. Now . . . if I could only get these extra pounds off.

Doing happy dance,
Barbara

That's great. It's amazing how one instance of acceptance can make us (HD) feel better. I've also gone back to initiating and actually "calmly" mentioned to my husband last weekend that we seemed to be falling back into the same old patterns. The "calmly" part is the key here...we're both hot-heads.

Did your counselor give you any advice about the frequency? I would think that us HD's would want to place the dart in the bullseye more often than our LD partners.

I've been trying to focus on other things lately to keep my mind off of this constant battle. It's really busy at work right now, which helps some. For the first time in quite a while, I feel like I'm doing a good job. It's funny how the sex stuff drags everything down. I also decided to buy a jeep (89 Wrangler), which is something I've wanted forever. Maybe it's selfish, but it felt really good to do something ONLY for me. I don't think I'm having a MLC:)

H goes to doctor next week, and then I'll start looking for a counselor. I hope we get as lucky as you in finding someone we're comfortable talking to about this. I wish my boss's wife wasn't his wife so that we could go to her; I think she'd be wonderful.