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Thanks for the encouragement. It is 6:45 am, I am still in bed and I can hear w and the boys out in the den. They are laughing and joking around. It hurts to hear because it sounds like she is already on her own with the kids.
Anyway, this made me pause for a moment last night: she accidentally called me "babe". I knocked on the bathroom door while she was in there to tell her something about the boys and she said "what, babe?" if only she meant it!

These days alone all day with just the 4 of us are difficult. We used to lobe doing daytrips. Now, it's so awkward that we really don't. I feel bad for the boys. But going out pretending to be a family is so hard for me. Not so much for w, aparently. She can go on like this forever it seems.

Orich,

can i ask you a few questions? i've followed your sitch on and off for awhile now, and i see you making progress.

However, there are signs in your posts that you are putting up that you might not have noticed.

What is your opinion of yourself? Irrespective of what your wife says?

Do you believe you are a good person? Why or why not?

Do you believe you are a good father?

Do you believe you are a good son to your folks?

Are you successful at work?

Do you believe you are being a good H to your W?

I don't want you to respond to these questions in a post here. I want you to sit down and really think hard about them on your own.

You are focusing so much on the past still, you are forgetting today is another day to turn it all around. I'm not talking about your M here, i'm talking about YOU.

Make a list of everything that you are proud of yourself for. Then read it over and over, until you understand and BELIEVE that you are a good person, NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY ELSE SAYS.

After that, make a short list of things you aren't happy about yourself with. This will be what you are going to work on over the next week or two. You can make changes in yourself very quickly, i know i did. These things you are not happy with yourself about should have NOTHING to do with your W or your M. You can't control what she thinks or feels, so forget even trying to do those things.

This is for you to do. Not her. It's for you and your kids. This will help you develop the PMA you seem to be lacking severely in right now. You CAN make yourself happy. You can never count on your W, kids, parents, friends, or anyone else to do it for you. The thing is when you are happy being who you are, you can begin to share who you really are with the ones you care about. That's what will draw people to you. I believe that is the essence of DB'ing.

Hope this all makes sense. I'm not known for my communication skills lol. I know you can do it, just don't put it off. Like i said, every minute is another chance to turn it all around.

Joshua,
I apreciate very much your post. If you read back to some of my earlier posts, you will see where I admit to being codependant. It is something I am trying to work on. It isn't easy. I put my value of myself on my marriage. I always figured as long as I am married, everything else will fall into place. I have even based my relationship with God on ny marriage. I think I am a good person, overall. I do need to learn to trust that. I have a long way to go, I don't pretend that it will be quick and easy. I backslide often. Like tonight. My W just left to go out with her friends leaving me here with 2 screaming kids crying for their mother. She got all dolled up to go be with people other than me, and she doesn't want to be bothered with the kids. These things hurt, I always believed in family first. There is nothing more important than that.
Please keep responding to my posts and please pray for me. I will take very seriously what you wrote. I am getting out a notebook and pen now.
Thank you.

visit the link below and read every single article on that site about codependency. it's something i found when i first understood how much of a codependent R i was in. it helped me tremendously.

http://www.hopelinks.net/codependency.html





your M does NOT define who you are as a person. Your actions do. talk is cheap my friend. start doing more in every aspect of YOUR life.




you don't think it, YOU BELIEVE IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING. Your trying to be a better you, you're trying to save your M. you should know you are a good person by the things you already do. Recognize it and realize it, it's all real and true.




let me ask another question, and this one you can answer here if you want. if you had a happy M, and your W wanted to go out or did go out, would you try and stop her or complain about it? or would you encourage her to go out and have fun with some friends while you offer to watch the kids and spend time with them? i understand that's not your current sitch, but really what would you do if it were the case? That's one way to know sometimes if the choices YOU are making are the right ones.


don't worry man, we're not gonna abandon you. it's tough sometimes, but it's far from being impossible. my W is 170 miles away and she knows i'm changing from that far away, i didn't think it was even possible, but it sure is. you have the benefit of your W seeing it and experiencing it first hand. You shouldn't fear losing your W. You would be fine without her, just as you will be fine if your M survives this current mess. YOU are doing your best, and that is all you can do. Take pride in that fact. It's one more thing to recognize in yourself as being a great person.

Joshua,
if we were in a healthy M I wouldn't mind of she went out. I don't think that is a sign of anything other than me loving her enough to let her have a good time away from the house once in a while. But she has told me that she likes going out at night to get away from me. Plus, she is going with a group of people including a guy she has texted 1500 times last month. Regardless of how much I base my self worth on my M, that still sucks.

one more note, reading your last post, when you talk about your W leaving you with two screaming kids and so on, you sound like you think you are some type of victim. You're not. It's up to you to take control of YOUR situation, no matter what's thrown at you.

when you're at your job and something comes up, do you just lay down and die? I doubt it. you probably roll with the punches and make it work out in the end. your W is throwing fast balls at your head right now it may seem. but what are you going to do? cry about it? take control of you and stop worrying so much about what she's doing. she's in charge of her and you are in charge of you. once you take control BACK from her of your life and your feelings, you'll begin to see things differently. you won't be a victim anymore.

one note, standing up for youself doesn't involve starting conflicts or getting embroiled in the middle of them, it's just the opposite. Once you are back in control of you, you now have the ability to control how you react to what she says and does. THAT'S when she will sit up and start to take notice of what you're doing, without you ever having to say a word to her about it.

Sandi2 pointed out to me how i was taking control back away from my W concerning my emotions, through my actions. when she pointed that out, my confidence grew in myself and what i was doing 100 fold. take control back, man. YOU CAN DO IT!

victim, victim, victim. you're still letting what your W says bother you. stop it. get off the computer and enjoy time with your kids if she's already left. if she hasn't left yet, tell her you hope she has an enjoyable night out before she walks out the door, and act as if you really mean it.

Thanks for the 2X4 joshua. I am still trying to get this DBing right. It is difficult, but I am trying the last ditch effort part of the book, going dark, etc. I try to not be home when she is, I go to the gym a lot. Keep reading my posts and step in when necessary to keep me in line!

Today I am off from work. W had s5 at her church where she works, he goes to bible camp there. At 12:30 she takes him home. She called ahead to tell me she was getting burger king for him, should she bring anything for me. When they got home, we ate lunch all together and had a pleasent half hour.
I would really like some positive feedback. I dbing, detaching, GALing, etc. I know it is for me, and I am feeling it. I would like to hear stories of waw's who came back after a few months of indifference, and possible EA. I know it might be against db rules, but I thrive when I feel hope.