Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

Oh and to answer the other part of your statement - about focusing on the good. Don't focus on the good, focus on what you are doing right now. The ideal would be to not label anything good or bad - that's the point of the we'll see story I posted earlier. Maybe you should re-read that and fit it into your life.

But don't you need to see if there is good or bad at the moment in order to continue/discontinue whatever you are trying to do? In other words, If I do the kids' laundry and put it all away in their closet and drawers and she gives me a positive response, should I not see that and use it and begin to do other household chores? Or is that being too literal. I think you mean a current situation is what it is, and rather than expend energy projecting that situation in the future, it is better to address it now as the situation dictates.

Are you folding the clothes to elicit a response from her? Are you folding the clothes because it's the right thing to do?

What if you folded the clothes and she frowned? Would you stop folding clothes even though it's the right thing to do?

When you fold the clothes, fold the clothes - everything else is just fluff (ie: thinking, I wonder what she will think of me folding these clothes; what if I put the clothes away where they don't go will she get mad; if I do more chores she will like me better, etc... these are all elements of attempting to control the uncontrollable)

Don't do with an expectation of getting some event to happen. Do because it's the right thing to do.

That's the first part..

Next part -

"I think you mean a current situation is what it is, and rather than expend energy projecting that situation in the future, it is better to address it now as the situation dictates."

Yes. You have no idea what is good or bad. Address what is in front of you. Many things that are 'good' turn out bad, and vice versa. Don't label, don't expect, don't project, don't focus on anything outside of your control.

Improve yourself and do what needs to get done.

Thanks Steady
As far as the folding clothes, this was one of the things she mentioned while at MC. I never did laundry which was fine at first. Then the boys came and the load got bigger, obviously. I still didn't help. I should have, she was right. Now, I still do the laundry and put away the boys' clothes. The first few times I would put the wrong clothes in the wrong drawers, but now I've got it.
I admit I had taken her for granted in the past. I am changing that part of myself now. No matter what happens, I won't let that happen again in the future, whether it is her or someone else. And, I am glad for the change, it is a way for her to respect me.

For me it was the dishes, and making the bed. She will not let me touch the laundry, I mess it up way too much. I did it because it was something that I never did and it was a 180 for me, and because it was the right thing to do, I continue to do it. I do these things for me, my chidlren and my wife, not just to get a positive reaction from her. The positive reaction (this may take time) is just a byproduct.

Now, my wife was afraid that my actions would not last if she started to work on the marriage so really you cannot fake it, it has to be a practice that is lifelong and a personal growth for yourself. Excercise for me is the same way. Never did it, now I workout about 3 times a week and really find it very satisfying for myself. The byproduct is that my wife thinks I look good. This boosts my self esteem, it all is this wonderful circle when you do the right things for yourself, and your family.

Burt

Burt,
Same for me! I was as close to a couch potato as can be. I have joined a gym and love it! It feels great, and I never thought I would like it that much. I get upset when I miss it! Between not eating much as a result of my situation and now working out, I have lost 20 pounds. She has noticed, but only said something in passing. But, I don't actually care about that. I love how I feel and look better now. Eating has become easier for me, so I am watching calories, etc. now. This is one 180 that I really do love as a change, and will continue no matter what!

Steady, that's just about the best way I've ever seen it phrased on here.

Puppy

Good for you, my wife a couple of months ago, said she had a flashback of our bad relationship when she saw me on the couch drinking a beer, but then told me that she knew that was not what I did all the time and she was OK with it, because she knows that is not who I am now.

She never once told me about how it made her mad just looking at me sitting there doing nothing until that day.

Burt

I am trying not to let her see me doing anything that looks like backsliding. I get crazy sometimes over it.

CBT is best done with a therapist but there are several good books out there on the subjct. try looking some up by Martin Seligman- they are on Amazon.