Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

25mlc,

I know, I know. I started getting hit with the anxiety stuff again. I'm going to have to live my life and I'll outlast her MLC. Gotta remember to stop being around so much.

Friendly. Yeah, that's what I have to be around her. I've done the "trying to attract her back" and I believe she interpreted it as pursuing. I just have to wean off that slowly so it doesn't seem like I totally shifted gears. I have to stay somewhat consistent in my actions.

Sorry for the hijack. Ya, when you want your family together and the WAS keeps dangling carrots, it is pretty gnarly. He just emailed me my horoscope...

And, of course, I was happy to get the email.

I suppose it is ok that it makes me feel good, I just need to keep moving forward.

I hope you're doing ok. These are tough sitches.

a/k,

"happy to get the email...." really? You were happy to get it? You got sucked right back in and you let it happen. Your h tosses you out and verbally exposes you to horrid behavior on his end...and then snaps his finger and you come running back while saying you'll keep "moving forward..." but
the thing is, when your h acts this way, it is so immature, it's in the extreme. It's actually a tad sick, don't you think?

Soooo, that means for you to get ensnarled in his "stuff" again and again...and again...isn't too healthy either, is it? Even for this board, his behavior is ridiculous A/K...and that's saying a lot.

A/K, Since you are not insane and or in some weird narcissistic MLC thing like he is, (and that's giving him the benefit of the doubt) and you do put your kids ahead of yourself and your wellness and life ahead of some all consuming poser career...then you have to be the one to just get out of this craziness. You are banging your head against the wall over and over and it's sooo not working. And it hurts you. Over and over.

You know what you have to do. Even though it's so hard to do, to me there is something harder to do, which is this type of living...I mean the way your life is going now has to be damn hard and I submit, it's a lot harder than moving on will be in the long run.
At least try something, anything truly different for a decent length of time and since you have done many things...why not move on? You don't have to shut the door and lock it. But shut it and stop looking back all the time. Ignore your h until if and when he unlocks the door and does some REAL WORK to be your h again.

True, he may not ever do it. And you may wonder if getting half of him is better than getting none....but that's not the full equation. If you have only half of him, frankly, that means some major 'settling for' in your life and you will resent him. AND you will shut down any opportunity of meeting a healthy man with normal expectations so that area of your life will never be fulfilled, and you will NOT move on in all the other ways in life you want to, i.e., Your creative energy will be sucked out by putting up with this "settling"...
Sorry A/K...it's just mho.

Food for thought...(Sorry for hijacking Stuck)...
j-

You can use the time you are off work in the evenings, or weekends, to take the kids someplace for a short time. The thing I appreciate about young dads today is that most of them are not scared out of their shorts at the sight of a 2-year old--the way my father's generation was..... The "terrible twos" are kind of hard to handle in public, (cause they are gonna try you out), but you could take them to a park to play on the "kiddie" stuff, swimming,or take them to DQ for a treat. Usually, towns have something coming & going for "kids", especially in the summer. Maybe some type of swimming lessons or whatever you could be involved "with" them. Whatever they enjoy doing.....but mostly just going somewhere so it can be the three of you alone. Time alone with daddy is soooo important, Stuck. Especially your 6-yr old. I can remember very well when I was that age and following my dad around. Those memories are important and will effect a child's life. Let your 6-yr old talk to "you" about.....whatever. We don't even have to "promt" most kids b/c they are busting a gut to talk....and talk...and talk (lol).

You won't be able to do something EVERY single day/night, b/c your body would eventually wear out....I would think. You do need to find something just for you that would take you out away from her & the kids. Don't think of it as being "selfish" behavior or even a gimmick to see if it bothers her. It is for your sake that you are doing it. That makes all the difference in the world in your attitude and dropping the rope. You will see that the more you break away from being around her, the easier it will become to detach. Human nature.

Later,
Sandi

Stuck,

are you listening? This is good stuff Sandi's giving you buddy....come on...try it...what have you got to lose?

j-

How you making it, Stuck?

My thoughts exactly. It's been a few days since you've stopped by. Hopefully you are just out getting a life.

Enjoy it you do deserve it, but please stop by to let us know how you are doing.

Take care

Hello Everyone,

Don't worry, I'm still alive, just not my M yet. ; )

Let's see...

On Thursday, I sent an email to my W at work saying that if she wanted to watch something "adult" over the holiday for a change, we could do so. She replied "ok".

Since the L and "hug" thing on Wednesday last week, my W's been behaving herself.

On Friday, my W wanted to pick up some new shoes, so we all went to Walmart then took the kids to see Ice Age. Afterwards, we had dinner and headed home. She went to bed with the kids since it was a long day, so I told her I was heading out to the gym. It was around 11:00p.m.

On Saturday, we hung around the house. I went out to do some yard work while my W did a top to bottom cleaning of the inside. Afterwards, we went out to see the fireworks at a beach by my parent's house. We parked at my folks' home and when we went in to say 'hello', I was surprised that she actually went and gave my mom, dad and grandmother a hug. She hasn't done that in a long time. After the fireworks, as we were heading back to the car, it started to rain. She started to get a little irritable and made a comment. She said "I'm sorry, but we're not doing this next year" So I was kind of surprised about that. In the past, I would have snapped at her, but I figured I'd try something different. So I agreed with her that it was bad timing and she softened up after.

On the drive home, we were lightly talking and I was telling her a story about my friend which she laughed at. As I remarked earlier, my making her laugh, is a big thing. She has been doing much more frequently in the past week.

When we got home, I made some soup for everyone and my oldest daughter and I made some shrimp chips. Then when everyone went to bed, I stayed up to do some reading.

On Sunday, I got up early and picked up breakfast for everyone. I left her alone and did some reading on the side. Around noon we took the kids to a carnival with rides and a midway. We all had a blast and left around 6. Both on the rides there and heading home she was pretty quiet. I just left her alone. At dinner, she was pretty talkative and happy.

So that leads us to Monday. I have the day off as a furlough day, so I did alot of my own personal errands and went to the gym. I didn't call her and just saw her in the evening. She was again in a pretty good mood.

And that's how things have been going. For my GAL, I had been taking the kids out here and there over the weekend when we weren't doing activities with my W. (Thanks Sandi!) I did my own thing when I wanted to, and had a great time with my W. It seemed like she enjoyed it too, but I don't put my hopes up about that anymore like I used to.

I know alot of people lately have been pushing the "isolate the spouse" kind of idea to get their spouse back. And believe me, I had tried it a couple of times when we broke up before we got married. But DB is about what works and we're at a different place than we were back then. So while I have been doing my own thing and not let my W run my happiness like before, I have also been building her up with compliments here and there and keeping things very light and fun with her when we do interact. Is it working? Who knows? All I know is that I am doing what I want to do without being an @$$ and showing my Ds what a father does. How my W acts or wants to act, that's her deal.

In my sitch, I think if I were to detach to the point of ignoring her and dating, that would send the wrong message to my kids and would be such a drastic change to how I have been acting that it would probably make things worse.

I'm happy though. Even if she were to walk out tonight, I'd still be happy.

Hope that makes sense.

Stuck

Sounds like you are doing great. I think you are dead on. There are some principles of DB'ing that are universal, but everyone's sitch is different.

Hang in there.

Stuck

Glad to hear that you're doing well. I wouldn't have expected any less!

Take care