Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GH31 - Dilemma with my pregnant wife

Well GH31, I was wondering what happened to you. There was a time to think about life without your wife, but I think that window closed with the announcement of her pregnancy. I'd say that now you need to make a reasonable shot at this.

With the exception of not hearing "I love you", how is your relationship any different than any other marriage? Are you otherwise behaving like a marriage couple? If so, then just go with what you have. Work on your end to play to her love language. Don't get into a situation where she even has to express that she is working on loving you. No one wants to hear that. You know that you don't need her to survive; that you'll be fine if worse comes to worse. So, don't worry about what she's doing at the moment. If it turns out your betrayed again, you can handle it at that time. For the moment, just relax in the relationship and work to strengthen it daily.

OK...

I hoped I would never have to write this but I will be plain about it.

My W has flown to England this weekend to visit OM purportedly to "unburden her guilt" and to "sort herself out emotionally".

She has been making noises about it for two weeks and has asked for my "consent" but I told her it wasn't something I could agree to. He had sent wife an email saying that he has a new girlfriend now and that it's "over" and this has sent her into a jealous rage. Since I didn't agree she flew anyway - 24 hours, 10,000 miles.

She has only taken a small bag and left me notes making reference to coming back today and upcoming events for the weeks ahead.

She has taken her wedding rings which she has been wearing for the last six months.

The fact that she is 12 weeks pregnant with my child does not make a blind bit of difference - in fact I have also intercepted emails from her to OM saying she's considering termination - she doesn't want to kill a baby but isn't happy about this pregnancy - wishes it was OM's. She doesn't want to cause OM any more pain and have him raise another man's child but that he might grow to love the child.

This is sick but I have to say I am not surprised. I witnessed the evil she was capable of stooping to last year.

Curiously, this last week she has been saying "we need to fix this and fall in love again, we have a baby on the way" and then this last Tuesday she said "I love you and I always have" to me for the first time in 18 months.

She doesn't - obviously.

I know I have to get out now. This marriage should not be saved.

I cannot believe that this has become normal - I have lived it for 18 months.

Oh, GH. First of all, don't make any decisions just yet. She shouldn't either, but we know no one can control her. She is mentally unstable. There I've said it. I have typed it and erased it many times, but this time I'm printing it. Your wife needs profession mental help. This is so beyond a question of do I love this man or that man. This is a matter of which psychologist can help her and how long the treatment will take.

I think OM figured this out already and he is really done with her. So she will be on a flight back to you soon. She has destroyed everything good in her life. Please get her help first before you focus on what she is doing to you.

I have to agree with Sara.

Whether she actually means what she is typing to OM or not, it still shows she is not a nice person and is very unhinged.

I hate to say this GH but perhaps it would be better if she terminated and you were able to move on and find someone else.

Have you actually seen the positive pregnancy test results and if you have were you there when she took them? I am afraid that I am suspicious of everything she does.

Do you want to lead the rest of your life like this? As a fish dangling on the end of her line? You are worth so much more....this woman plays you like a fiddle.

I am afraid if it was me I would have her things bagged up and waiting outside the door on her return. 12 wks pregnant is a stupid time to fly. It is a common time for a pregnancy to terminate as it's at that point the placenta starts to really take over and things can go wrong at that stage. Many women miscarry at 12 weeks. After that things become a bit more settled.

GH, what do you think is reasonable? Do you really still love someone that can do this to you or do you just not want to see yourself failing at something?

Think on this too....having a baby can make a woman behave very erratically after delivery. If she is like this now, what will she be like after the baby is born? Will she leave the baby with you and continue to fly around after OM or will she drag the poor child with her? Also, what a waste of money. Is she working and paying for this herself?

((((HUGS)))))) GH - you don't deserve this.

I have had better weekends than this last one just gone.

Sara & Saffie thanks so much for hanging in there with me, it's very much appreciated. I have found other things like SMSs asking OM to marry her (which he forwarded to me) and other horrible things.



Yes, I would agree with you.

Everybody that I have confided in about this says either "weird", "strange", "odd" or "peculiar". Or "something's just not right GH31, you have to get rid of her".



W definitely is pregnant. I saw the positive test result, went to the doctor's with her and heard the baby's heartbeat and then went to the ultrasound clinic 2 weeks ago. The baby was there bouncing around and the sonographer measured its heartbeat.



So am I.



I don't know how I can love someone like this. I probably don't - how could I? I do love our home and I love all the memories that we've shared. I love everything about my way of life except my wife's adultery and lies. She even said when she tried to go to England last week "I'm not going to have sex - I'm pregnant for heaven's sake. I just need to unburden my guilt and sort myself out emotionally.".

So there you go. I told her dad who lives with us last night that W had gone to see her adultery partner in England and he's stunned.

I am supposed to attend a christening this Sunday for W's sister's new baby. I have been asked to be a godfather but I really don't think in good conscience that I can do this. I would just feel utterly stupid beyond measure.

W has said that all of this is "in her head" and "it's probably a fantasy GH31, he did everything that you didn't do so it's probably too good to be true" but to me it's reality and a dreadfully unpleasant one. There is just nothing to work out in this marriage - it isn't even a marriage. Talking just goes around in circles and W just lies through her teeth about everything.

I know that my life cannot function properly whilst she is a part of it - I can't plan for the future, concentrate at work ... any of that, and I have no idea what will become of this baby.

GH,

I am confused by the 12 week timeline of the pregnancy, so I checked back. You announced her pregnancy to us on 5/31, saying that she was 12 weeks pregnant. Now it is June 14, two weeks later. So, was she only 10 weeks pregnant then, or is she 14 weeks pregnant now?

I am guessing that despite her "plans" to return today, that didn't happen. I think if OM will take her back you ought to let him keep her.

Sara,

It is 14 weeks since her last period so in medical terms she is 14 weeks, but the ultrasound determined that the baby is now 12 weeks old (gestational age).

Of course she didn't return on Sunday - I knew she wouldn't.

I just received the following email from her:

Hello GH31

I will be home on Wednesday

W

I've also intercepted an email she sent to her employer saying she won't be in this week due an extremely delicate situation involving her marriage which has been a bit of an ongoing issue and has made her ill frequently.

If she arrives in Sydney on Wednesday it will mean she leaves England on Monday - so she would have been there a total of 2 nights. Crazy.

If OM takes her back then he just as deranged as I have been - he has been stuffed around even more than I have. I do know that all of his friends and family have been telling him he's nuts for hanging in there and waiting for her, and apparently his new girlfriend has told him the same thing.

They are addicted to each other and I am quite sure W will find a way to placate him again - it is best that I just let her go to him.

Saffie touched on this earlier - the reason I've probably hung in there all this time is I'm very alpha-male and competitive. I hate losing, but I'm just paying for it with my self-respect, dignity, sanity and all of the things I could be experiencing but am not.

I wish this were easy.

Ok, I get it. Well, I think you do need to end it with her. She will not change, and your agony will grow through the years. It's not just this guy. Once he's out of the picture, she will find another. There is an endless list of men she can attract. She must have a big hole in her psyche that she is trying to fill with the love of two men. The way she is so demanding of love and sex shows that she is insatiable. I wonder if, even if she really had both love and sex of two men, if she would stop questing. Would she go for a third?

Who knows Sara?

She is very, very lost and mixed up. She wasn't like this in all the years beforehand and she's been telling me and this OM for 18 months that she "isn't normally like this". She has always been very introverted but was very close to her family.



I have no idea. She would then have to live a triple life and hold down a full time job - her life would then really plunge into chaos.

But, the way she is now simply isn't marriage material. I know this to be true.

I think it would be very considerate of you to forward her email to her father or someone else who might be interested in picking her up at the airport. I know that my husband would not pick me up if I did what she has done.