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Blue...........

I understand where you're coming from. We all originally come here with the hope of saving our marriage, but for some of us sadly enough, it's not to be. It would be nice if things worked out everytime, but some of us are not given the option no matter how hard we may try. I don't see you as looking for an excuse but rather looking for support to get through a tough time, because I think you already know the answer.

So I'll tell you what I do know. If your husband is still playing and not fully committed to you, then chances are, the first time he gets the chance he WILL do it again. If he were through his journey, if nothing else, he would not still be looking. Besides that, he's playing you and lying to you. This is not a man who is looking for redemption. Not by a longshot.

I hope that you are not discouraged or feel as if you shouldn't be here because you don't feel that you marriage is salvagable. I would venture to guess that 3 quarters of us are here for support even after we came to the realization that our marriages were over.

Good Luck

Dncrm, thank you for the kind words. I was really beginning to feel unwelcome here. I think there is a misunderstanding about my feelings. Deep down, I still want my marriage to work. I love my husband. I wouldn't have been DB'ing for 4 years otherwise. But, it's exhausting. I'm just tired of constantly being on guard for the worst. I want to buy into what he is saying but some of the actions prove that I should be cautious.

In a lot of ways, our marriage is stronger today than it was five years ago. Now, H and I share some activities. We have other couples that we regularly do things with. Since April, H is more playful with me and flirty. He kisses me, which is something that he stopped doing during the affair. My kids have noticed the changes.

My heart wants it to be true. I guess my head is skeptical.

A lot of us know that feeling.....and we have our wobbles.

My H hasn't put a foot wrong since coming out about his A and since our solving our problems and recommitting to the M.....but I still worry. sometimes forget but other times I have massive insecurity problems.

You actually sound from your post above that you are doing well. What I would say though, is that if you REALLY think something is going on then trust your instincts. I actually never knew that my H was having his A, which lasted 18 months, before he told me about it. So I was worried I wouldn't know if he did it again. My C assures me that I would just know in my gut if it happened again.



That sounds really good. Sometimes I think things can feel so good again that we begin to not believe it and think ourselves into a position of panic and worry. Do you talk about what happened before and why it did? My H and I still talk about it and why it won't happen again because of the way things are now.

We never talk about it or any serious issue for that matter. In April, when H said he loved me, I tried to ask what had changed. All he said was that he wanted to make me happy. H never likes to talk about his feelings.

So, I'm thinking of contacting the texter myself to see if what H says is true. Just friends, etc. He'd be furious. I responded to a couple of her texts(on his phone, he was napping)several weeks ago and he came unglued. The anger only fuels my suspicion.

I don't want to ruin what we have going on if it's genuine but I can't take the not knowing. By the way, I'm thinking about this because I saw online that they texted last night when H was out with friends.

So, I haven't posted in awhile because I didn't feel very welcome but I have been reading and learning from other situations. Whether my H is actually having another A or not, something has changed drastically and he is most definitely reaching outside our marriage for "support".

He has reverted to some behavior that he exhibited during the previous A time. The biggest being going out with friends drinking. Then, coming home, getting on the computer and staying up to drink all night. Generally, this results in him picking a fight with me either when I wake up or sometimes he wakes me up to fight with me. This actually happened last night. As I walked out of the house this morning for a workshop, he was yelling after me that he wants a divorce. Mind you, this was while my friend was in the driveway. Ironically, the workshop was about domestic violence/child abuse.

He is still texting this person that I wrote about before. And, I think she was at the place he went to with friends last week. I'm trying to remind myself that full spy mode is not healthy for me but it's hard. Even though it's not good DBing to talk R, I think I need to tell him that I think something is wrong and what's happening right now is not how I want to live. Hopefully, he'll see it and want to work on it too. But, I don't know how else to get the point across that this stuff is not ok with me.

So, I had that talk with him. Much to my surprise or should I say shock. He agreed with everything I said about loving each other, working on our R, setting new goals for us, ways we can make things better, etc. He even said the words, ILY. He also said that he's not texting the friend anymore and he understands how that bothers me. I was floored.

Fast forward to today. I know that he hasn't stopped texting the friend. In fact, it's escalating again. Today he mentions going out for lunch at work and says her name. They went for lunch together and he paid. He says this casually in company so I can't respond. He's angry and defensive. I don't know what to think.

WTH? How am I supposed to process this? Spy mode is really starting to seem smart.

I had to give my H a debit card to use today because of schedules. I really try not to do this but it couldn't be avoided. I told him not to withdrawl cash but use it at POS. For once, he listened. When I checked to make sure he didn't go over the amount we discussed, I noticed where he went for lunch. It's the same place he went yesterday with OW and I'm guessing she was along today too. She has a discount at the place. There's not other reason he would go there two days in a row. I can't believe it. He knows how much this "friendship" bothers me.

He just keeps denying anything is going on but come on...what else am I supposed to think? He even had the nerve to accuse me of having an A a couple of weeks ago. When he knows, 1)I would never do that and 2) have no time. My whole life is about my family. Please someone tell me I'm paranoid and this is really nothing to worry about. Please...

I don't think you're paranoid. The fact that he is willing to place this woman over you so many times says it all I think. I have to basically restate what I've already told you; are you willing to live like this for years and years? If not, then you need to set up some serious boundaries for him. If you don't want to live with an H that continually texts an OW like that, then you need to tell him that. And be ready to enforce your boundaries as well. I think sometimes we are too much doormats with DBing, and I don't think that's ever a good idea.

I'm sorry you have felt unwelcome here at times. Posters here don't mean to sound unwelcoming; more try to help as much as possible.

It helps to post on others posts (as you just did on mine) and "meet" others and then they will post on yours as well. And some are in crisis mode, so they won't be able to post as much, but still good to read others' sitches. We all have so much in common; its almost weird. Thanks for posting on my thread! Karen

I think it is maybe not such a good thing that he accussed you having an affair. I say that because when my ex admitted having an EA, he said he thought I was having an affair. I actually had been under a lot of srtess and was throwing up quite often. I didn't feel like ML and that is where his "assumption" came into play.

So he could be projecting his bad behavior on to you. I don't know exactly what to tell you. I didn't save my marriage as I didn't even find this site until he had already filed. I often think if I had gone ahead and kicked him out... I don't know. We have 4 kids too but they are all at home. I don't come to infidelity much anymore since I am over in Survivng but I will try to keep an eye on your situation.

hugs, kat

Blue,

I don't think there is anything wrong with you snooping to verify if your H is having another affair. I think it becomes a problem when you know that he is and you still snoop . . . at that point it is only hurting you.

Do you even want to be married to a man that has such poor boundaries? He knows this relationship with this woman bothers you. If he cared about you, you are his wife and he should, he would stop it. Now.

He has had an affair and he has proven that he can't have women friends. I hope you don't tolerate this behavior much longer. You really need to protect yourself from this. He could be putting your heath at risk if he is having a PA with this woman.