I understand what your saying about the craziness...
I've been hearing music that teenagers would be listening to coming out of the home office when he is in there. He currently is into Kelly Clarkson and he is 56 years old. What happened to the old classics he used to listen to?!
He also came home with contacts the other day when it never bothered him before to wear glasses. lol
I always picked out his clothes because he always said he had no knack for it. I wonder when the new clothes will start appearing?
Oh me too with the music! This is cracking me up. And the clothes were the first thing I noticed - H is definitely dressing 15 years younger than he is. He hasn't died his hair in awhile, though.
MLJ, have you heard of the hedge of thorns prayer? I just stumbled across it today and googled it. Interesting.
Yes, I pray the Hedge of Thorns around my H daily. I also pray for OW for someone to come into her life that is the right one for her. That is hard. But that is what I ve learned from Charlyne Steinkamp of Rejoice Marriage Ministries.
I need to do that, though I have been praying similar things. And not just about a potential OW but about other stupid things he might be doing. He is acting like an out of control teenager at times.
I am struggling this week, probably due to having been gone last week and not having all of this directly in my face and being able to forget about it for awhile. Just when I think his replay behavior seems to be better, he acts wackier again.
I sometimes wonder, too, if he had acted out more as a teenager if he would be doing this now, or at least not as badly. He was a "good boy" and maybe didn't get it out of his system then? Who knows.
I think in my H case, he set out prove to that he's still got it.
He's mid 50's, and somewhat over weight. He has a high profile position in the town where we live. I think that's what skank see's, since he used to be her boss. Not to mention his money ( she recently got D ), his home, and his toys. Plus she cried on his shoulder through her D. He was ripe, he was weak, he fell. (sigh).
Sounds like you are right. My H is in his late 30s but has had self esteem issues which have always been there but he expressed a lot when he was still sharing with me (up until a few months ago and even then a bit) so I know any attention thrown his way would be lapped up (never mind the fact that I have given him so much positive myself, but I don't "count" anymore). However, now he sometimes struts around like his ego is inflated to 10x normal. Guess he is just trying to make himself feel better but I KNOW he is in turmoil though he may not appear to be so much outwardly. He tells me a lot that he doesn't sleep well and that he has a lot on his mind. No kidding!
You wonder about how they can be miserable but no one knows. The MLCer, whether we like it or not, is a master at hiding the truth. I don't mean outright lies, but I would bet if you thought about your H and what you know about him from the beginning, you will realize that there has always been that "alter ego" that gets presented to the world. That is part of why this throws us for such a loop at the beginning (middle, bomb, who knows when it is that we find out LOL). I have actually gone places with H since the bomb and he had a scowl on his face and refused to speak, until some acquaintance walks up and then the smile and light appear until that person walked away. They are just very good at it and I truly believe it is when they can't hide from those of us who really do know them so well, that the bomb is dropped. Because they don't know what else to do at that point.
The funny thing with OP in these situations, it is when they start to get to close to the MLCer that the R starts to fizzle. They don't know all that is underneath and that is why it is easier for the charade of happiness to be carried out. But none of that can be hidden forever.
I was reading today and I won't copy the whole post here but a very wise woman from this board explained that Satan leads them to think that D will make them happy. But they won't really be happy because they are still with themselves and their demons. Until they face those thing, happiness will always be an illusion. And WE CANNOT do it for them.
Keep working on yourself. You sound like you are doing ok. Yes, we all have down days, but they do come and go. Try not to focus on him so much or guage how every interaction with him is. Just focus on yourself and your kids. If your actions are consistent, he will notice and will become aware, even if you don't think he notices.
And no, they don't sleep well, and then they sleep out of sheer exhaustion. It all gets worse when they leave replay so use this time as training for you because when you truly love unconditionally, then depression and withdrawl stages are total killers because you still can't do anything and it is heartbreaking to watch. It will take more strength than you think you have on most days.
I hesitated to get religious because I try not to push my faith onto anyone, but since you brought up the Hedge of Thorns...Turn to God, He will guide you through this ordeal. As time passes, you will also come to realize that He is trying to teach you what you need to know and He is always there to support you. He will show you everything you need to know as the time is right and He will help you if you let him. The key is to give it to him and NOT take it back. Ask for his strength when you need it, His love for your H, His forgivness. He will also not give you any more than He knows you can handle. That I am more sure of than anything.
When this started, I began praying in a much more personal way than I had for a long long time. I knew I needed to heal things within myself, and as I hit one milestone, he showed me the next wound, until I finally had a strength in myself again which I have needed to get through these last many months. If it weren't for that, I would probably be D now simply because it was the "easy way out" and I had no energy to fight for anything. But that is not what was meant for me and H at the time. The healing time is what I needed. Since then, my faith has been so strengthened, and I have been led to learn lessons that I am so grateful for, lessons of patience, what true unconditional love is, compassion, joy and boundary setting. I have learned who I am by His grace. It was then that changes in H began to surface. But He will test your faith as well.
Stormie O'Martin has the a great book Power of a Praying Wife. I pray from that book every day. Now many of them are my own versions of her themes, but they still work. When I got it, I started at the beginning and went through a few at a time. Then I just opened the book to wherever it landed and it always seemed to pertain to what I wanted to pray for that day. Now, it is whatever pops into my head, as God shows me how to pray for H. And I always always ask God to wrap H is his love and my love while he sleeps.
I can't really talk about my current sitch as it just has to unfold in it's own way, but I can talk of the past some. There will be good days and there will be bad ones. For you both. There will be days you just want to call it quits. You are still focusing on what H is doing although it may not be as much as before. You have to let it go for your own sake. Don't let the teenager bother you. I know it is hard, but you can do it. Don't worry about how long he is gone, where he is, what he is doing. Hard but not impossible. Just observe.
HB once said--you have to be willing to lose it all in order to gain. That is the truth.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat, I was practically in tears when I read your post because once again, I am reading something that speaks to EXACTLY what I have been thinking about/needing to think about this week. I think I said in an earlier post that I don't believe in coincidences.
You are right about the alter ego thing. It is kind of hard at this point to sort out what is "normal" and the way things were before all this started and what is craziness. H has always acted differently at work, a different persona, more gregarious, etc. than he truly is when left to himself. He is by nature NOT an outgoing person. I have a feeling, though, that that his gregariousness at this point may be exaggerated with others in order to win their approval, whatever.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one of the "lessons" I am supposed to be learning through all of this and maybe a big reason why it is in my life is to learn about prayer and to finally have my faith moved from the back burner where it has been for awhile to the most important thing right now. Fortunately, I have been seeking God continuously as it has given me the peace and strength I need to do this thing. I don't know what I would do without it! I never before considered myself a "strong" person but I am happy to say I have proven myself (and others, I think, including H) wrong. It is hard, though, to see a man whose faith has been a part of his life up until recently discount it and turn from it, but maybe that is something God is also working on that I can't see. But it certainly would be hard for him to justify his decisions/actions in line with what he knows to be true, which I still believe deep down under all this garbage he does.
I felt like I was quite detached but then realized that you are right, I am still spending way too much energy worrying about him and his actions and trying to analyze everything he says/does and the times I do that are the times I get down. The times I don't I am more at peace/happier. I am happy to have had days lately where I have felt actual JOY - who knew.:) I think I have successfully "dropped the rope," at least almost 100%, so that I know no matter what happens I will be okay. I do still feel that God is asking me to stand. I think I can finally say that I am "willing to lose it all in order to gain." I know I will gain for myself no matter what.
I am right now trying to sort out with myself boundaries. I have kind of been going with the flow but at times do feel like a doormat. I am trying to decide what boundaries need to be set. Any advice on how to go about doing that?
I gather through one post you wrote that your H is at home? (I know you don't want to post much about your sitch). That does make certain aspects challenging, like detaching and not being as concerned with where he is because I KNOW when he is out. However, I do consider it a blessing because at least he is here and the kids are getting contact with him.
Just journaling/venting now - the further I detach and the more I realize that this is not all personally directed at me, I am able to know that as horrible as all the lies and deceit are that are directed my way, it is liberating to know that he also has to be lying to others and not just me.
A couple of weeks ago I almost laughed out loud and actually had to bite my tongue hard when I heard him getting after D5 because he thought she wasn't telling him the truth about something. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black! (the one "positive" in that case is he was actually acting like a "real" father then, something slowly coming back out of him after he decided he didn't really want those responsibilities a few months ago).
