Quick question, during one of the times we talked about our R, she had said that she didn't think "dating" would work. In other words, our MC at the time said to try going to dinner, or a movie or something like a date, complete with me asking her out and making the arangements for tickets, baby sitting, etc. We used to go to country concerts at Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut all the time. There is an artist we both like coming there in a month. Is it a good idea to ask her to something like that now? It would involve staying overnight. Thanks for any input.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I was here on your first go round and even then I wanted to say things to you that you were not ready to hear. I had a feeling that your reconcilliation was premature but I am still very sad to see that I was right.
I have always felt that the things you had done to GAL and 180's were not for you. They were to show her you could be different. That was mistake number one. You MUST do them for YOU. They know when we don't. Yes, we may find that we actually like what we are doing after the fact, but they can still smell it. So it is time for you to do something that you want to for YOU regardless of her. Regardless of how it impacts her, whether she will like it or not, as long as it doesn't hurt your children.
Second, you MUST detatch. Not wondering what she will think or how it will affect her. Until you do, she will just be more convicted that you are holding onto her and that will make her running continue.
Ok she is having an EA maybe PA. You know what the Bible says about forgivness. Seven times seventy. You say you are religious and I do not doubt it but you are doing what I see so many "religious" people doing and talking the talk but not walking the walk. Personally, I see this as a test of your real faith. Are you willing to die to God and really put it all in His hands? Or just when things are good? He will show you the answers, He will show you the steps, He will show you how He wants you to be, but you have to be willing to let Him mold you as he sees. You have to learn to love unconditionally. He will show you if you let him. I do not know what plans He has for your life or your marriage, but I do see that you are being tried again, (your first wife cheated), so that tells me that you didn't see what He was trying to show you the first time around. Believe me when I say this. Some of us are slow learners. I have been tried more times than I care to share, 4 times in my marriage alone and I am just now starting to get it and I have just finally been willing to die to God.
Nothing gets fixed overnight. Patience and time are such big keys here. I do agree that there are underlying themes for your wife that SHE needs to deal with but since you can't control her, you can only work on yourself. Good luck.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
No. Courting should only be done once a wayward wife has ended all contact with an affair partner. Otherwise, it only rewards their cake-eating with even more attention and pursuit.
OK, thanks puppy, that makes sense. Cat, I admit I am having a very hard time dying to God. I have been working with a spiritual director for many years now. When I began having problems with my M, my director and I began to talk about putting it all in God's hands. I have not totally done that since then. My own fears are greater than I can overcome, apparently. Deep down, I know that God's will is the right path, but I don't want to go on it if it leads to my divorce. Believe me, this isn't something I am taking lightly. I am still working with my spiritual director in this regard. I believe God has called me for something. I originally thought it was for the priesthood when I was younger. Then I met my first wife. I figured the call was for something else, and didn't give it much more thought. SHe pulled me away from the church. Ultimately that bad marriage ended, which was a good thing. Afterwards, I began to hear the call again. I discerned it more carefully and became very involved in my parish and I met my wife. After a short while, the call became stronger. I discerned and discussed it with my wife, and we together looked at the diaconate. 3 years later, and she doesn't love me anymore. I admit, I tend to be co-dependant. So when this hit, I did try to do 180's, but like you said they were more for her than me. I am approaching it differently now, and am doing things to improve myself for me. I just hope it isn't too late. As for my relationship with God, well, it has been tarnished, but completely by me. As I stated before, my fears have helped drive a wedge between me and God. I also don't discount the work of the Devil. Most Deacon candidates will tell you, the closer you come to being ordained, the more he works to destroy you. I was 1 year away from ordination, and I was nit strong enough to resist his work in my life. I am not trying to put the blame elsewhere. This has much to do with me as well as my wife. It is appearant that I was not called to the Diaconate. Perhaps it was my own will, and that is what was my downfall. I continue to work on putting my life in His hands as I thought I was doing 3 years ago. It is hard work, but I am making headway now. I am finding it easier to detach than before thanks to prayer. In my heart, I still want us to be together again. I want a whole and healthy family. But as time goes on, I am closer and closer to letting Him work in my life for my own benefit. As far as forgiveness, this is a big issue for me. It is only until recently that I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me. When I think about my current wife, If it turns out that there is/was a PA, it will be difficult for me, but I do believe my love for her is different than my first wife. I think I could forgive and continue strengthening the M. But, first things first. I am fishing more often, going to the gym, and spending time with my brother. All things I have wanted to do more of before. When the season begins, I will be going on a real hunting trip with some friends. This Friday, I am taking my 6 year old to the shotgun range to see how he reacts to being around firearms to get him ready to hunt with me. Me and the boys will be camping this summer, even if it is in the backyard. Thank you Cat, for pointing out my mistakes and missteps. When it is clearly written out for you, it is hard to ignore. Pray for me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Tonight W has IC. Just found out I have to work OT. I called her up to tell her I won't be home. She said she would cancel her IC. I told her not too, that I would get my parents to take the boys. She wavered a little bit, said her friend (girl) had asked her to have dinner with her tonight and that she was going to do that if I wasn't going to be home. I didn't want to push anything, but my parents wouldn't take the kids except for her going to IC. I didn't say anything, and she finally said she would go to IC. Tomorrow night she wants to go out with her regular girlfriends after dinner. I told her I was going to a wake for a friend's dad, and then the gym. She got a babysitter (one that I know and trust) Normally I would have asked my folks, but I wasn't about to this time.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I'm glad to see that you did not take offense to my post. I was not trying to say what you did was bad but more why it was ineffective. We all learn through trial and error.
It does sound like God has called you to something. My cousin is a priest. When he was Ordained 22 years ago, he did not want to have a Church of his own. He wanted to do research. Now he has a show on the Catholic Network teaching, so he has the biggest Church of them all. God sometimes changes our plan for us. I think you were to be a married man and serve him in a different capacity and maybe becoming a Deacon is still in the plans. There is definately something. He wants you to lean on Him and trust Him. Become dependent on Him. Some of your answers are actually in your post. Co-dependent, forgivness issues. I'm glad that you are turning back to Him. It does help so much. Pray that He will intervene for your wife as well, to soften her heart. Ask him to help you with forgivness.
Your new goals sound really good, especially the camping in the back yard. I always loved that as a child. I also like that you are having her get a baby sitter if she wants to go out. Puppy is so right and I know from experience that cake eating sucks and it is a cycle so don't start it now.
One more thing that just came into my head, what she is doing is not because of you, it is within her. No matter what the outcome, you will be a much stronger person because of this.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
This may sound like a splitting of theological hairs, but putting "this" in God's hands and putting her there are not necessarily the same thing. Part of the letting go is realizing that she is her own journey with God as well. Spiritual direction for others involves allowing others to face the start reality of the consequences of their own choices. Sugar-coating reality helps no one. As ugly as that can be for her, it is necessary for a proper self-understanding of her spiritual state. There is more than just herself at work here.
As for calling ... this can come in several forms. As one who is dealing with my own spiritual crisis of sorts, I offer some food for thought. Sometimes callings are for life, sometimes they are for a season. Regardless, clarification of those stirrings can often take some time to process, especially as you are learning new things about yourself in this whole process. Time is on your side with the calling thing too. Clarity will come.
Cat, Thanks again for your insight. I did not take offense, I looked at it as criticism I need if I am going to approach this correctly. And thank you so much for your prayers for us. Mountain, I know what you are saying. This is something I am realizing now as well (or at least accepting what I probably already knew) She has her journey, I have no control over that. It is hers and God's. I am discerning again my calling with my spiritual director. I am ready to accept what He wants of me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
OK, now I found out I am working straight through tonight into tomorrow's shift. She is at her IC right now. WHen she is done, I will tell her I am not coming home tonight. I wonder if it will be a relief for her? No matter. I started work at 5:30 this morning and will be working straight until 2:00 tomorrow afternoon. I am sure I will be exhausted, but it will be a nice chunk of change. Had a minor 180 setback before. One of the things that bothered her about me is my forgetfulness, and she is right in that regard. I have lousy short term memory. So she called me at 6 to tell me the insurance salesman was at the house for our appointment. Oops. With everything going on the last few days, I forgot. Oh well, what's done is done. Hopefully the boss will lock himself in the locker room and I will be able to catch a few winks tonight. We'll see.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
