Hi Nik, I can always count on you to reply to my posts - THANKS
That's just it Nik, gifts are not his LL. When we talked about 5LL together we both agreed that gifts was near the bottom of the list for both of us. I guess everyone likes to get a little of each of the LLs especially when appropriate. But it wasn't the gifts that bothered him it was just the whole tone of the day, the fact that he didn't think we made much of him. That he ended up with chores to do etc.
I think what I find difficult is to keep thinking about how he feels and what he needs - Should I have to? What I mean is that I did make an effort, I got the gifts the kids and I made cards, they were all piled up ready for him together with the gifts and cards from his family when he arrived back from the sky-dive trip. I gave him a hug and said happy birthday. And I did that a couple more times in the day. I cooked a really nice dinner. I just didn't make him King-for-a-day. But I don't really see how I could have under the circumstances?
Maybe I should have talked to him earlier in the week about the fact that our friends would be arriving for the funeral and what he wanted to do by way of celebrating his birthday another day.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Honestly the only thing I would be upset about if I were your H was not singing "Happy Birthday." I think we all have good days and bad days. Hopefully, your H will get over that ONE day and you can all move forward. Noone is perfect. I guess, the good news is that he didn't hide how he was feeling. That is good that he feels comfortable around you so he can let his hair down so to speak. Aren't we always less patient and kind to the ones closest to us? You know, pre-DB days.
Quote: I guess, the good news is that he didn't hide how he was feeling. That is good that he feels comfortable around you so he can let his hair down so to speak.
He did hide his feelings Nik, that's just it. The row we had in the end was because I dug it out of him. I was feeling resentful that he was switched off from me, so I told him that's how I was feeling. He was then sarcastic about it, went out for a smoke and so I waited til he came back and we sat down and talked.
I forgot all the rules about validating, it turned into a row, I was crying like I always do. Since I have been DBing and trying to have safe discussions instead of rows I stopped the crying bit. Suddenly there it was back again. He said he just feels like the paycheck again, that he doesn't like coming in the house anymore. That he doesn't have to live like this?!?! What does that mean, I thought he had recommitted to our marriage.
We did reconcile, but I ended up feeling bad all day Tuesday. Tuesday night, a diving friend of his came over and they spent the evening making transfers for banners and t-shirts for the dive-club awards evening. I had been out to get some special things for him so that I could make up for him not feeling special on his birthday, but again it missed the mark because his friend was in the way, so the food went cold, he found the expensive wine that was supposed to be a surprise etc etc.
Yesterday he texted me a message that I didn't get til today it said "you're lovely xxx". I wish I had checked my phone yesterday it would have made me feel a whole lot better. These ups and downs are too much for me. It is him that is the moody one, it is him that comes out and says he doesn't have to live like this and then next thing you know he is sending me sweet text messages
I just can't tell if the DBing is working or not, I am getting confused because there is so much other stuff going on. August-September was a really bad time at work for him so that has got to be part of the picture.
Also last night he came home (very late) after the dive club awards night. I asked him if he had a nice evening - he said NO. They had not given him anything but a muppet award for getting something wrong on a map so people lost their way to an event. He is webmaster for the club and spends every available spare moment perfecting the website. Apparently he knew he wasn't going to get anything because he was in on the discussions of who was going to get what, but it still hurt, so he just stood up and resigned in front of everyone. So he is feeling like cr*p all round and it is not just about what I am doing. He never shares with me until it is too late. he knew he wasnt' going to get an awared, he knew his birthday would be overshadowed by the funeral, he knew about what was going down at work, but he always waits until it gets too much for him so that I am left feeling what the hell did I do wrong which ends in a row, before he will admit what is really going on in his life.
Grrrr
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Sorry I did not read your post correctly. I am sorry that your feeling the way you do. IMHO, I think you are giving him too much power over you. Act as if he is not in a bad mood, etc.. How would you act if you thought the outcome would be good? Treat him like a friend, don't let his actions mess up your PMA.
We all need to vent so keep it coming. There will be brighter days ahead. Maybe, right down all the issues you are having with him and discuss it with him. Tell him how you are FEELING. Follow your gut/spirit.
On a positive note: "Apparently he knew he wasn't going to get anything because he was in on the discussions of who was going to get what, but it still hurt, so he just stood up and resigned in front of everyone."
Him resigning may be great news. Hopefully he will realize that his W and family are more important than this diving club.
Quote: IMHO, I think you are giving him too much power over you. That is exactly it. he does have too much power over me, his moods have always made me feel guilty and upset when usually it is just something stupid like a hangover or a bit too much stress at work. Yet he will always lay it on me. Act as if he is not in a bad mood, etc.. How would you act if you thought the outcome would be good? Acting as if he is not in a bad mood was my latest strategy before the bomb. This had been my strategy for maybe 2 or 3 years. He told me after he dropped the bomb that he felt like I couldn't give a XXXX because I acted that way Treat him like a friend, don't let his actions mess up your PMA.
I really feel that he is the one that has to learn to deal properly with his negative emotions and not make it my responsibility. When he is feeling negative towards me then he should tell me that is what is going on. When he is feeling negative about something else then he should tell me that. I will try not to do anything more than maybe give him a hug and tell him I am available if he want to talk it through, rather than trying to fix it for him. If it IS me he's pissed off with then I will try not to go for the throat as soon as he tells me what's wrong. I am going to have to sit him down and tell him this. He has to promise to try to differentiate who or what is causing his bad mood and try to leave me (or the kids) out of it when it is nothing to do with me.
Nik, do you have a current thread I can't find it? Just wondering what's going on with you at the moment.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Quote: I really feel that he is the one that has to learn to deal properly with his negative emotions and not make it my responsibility. When he is feeling negative towards me then he should tell me that is what is going on. When he is feeling negative about something else then he should tell me that. I will try not to do anything more than maybe give him a hug and tell him I am available if he want to talk it through, rather than trying to fix it for him. If it IS me he's pissed off with then I will try not to go for the throat as soon as he tells me what's wrong. I am going to have to sit him down and tell him this. He has to promise to try to differentiate who or what is causing his bad mood and try to leave me (or the kids) out of it when it is nothing to do with me.
Sounds like an excellent plan! We could probably all use a bit of this.
I think your plan is a GREAT one. Your H does need to deal with his negative emotions in a much better way. I just read, "The Travelers Gift." It talks about 7 DECISIONS for success. Would your H read it?
