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Spot on the mark, V. And right out of Mars/Venus 101.

-- B.

Yes - V - I am complete agreement. I feel terrible that I do this ... I really am a good person. And I feel awful when I hurt H's feelings. I do try the "notice, appreciation, and praise" but I'm always a little concerned that it seems fake or weird for me to be praising my husband. But I intend on consciously putting this into practice. I know that my behavior has whittled away at him but he keeps chugging along. I really knew and worried that if I took a hard look at myself, it could be ugly. Well, here we are!

Lamby,

You ARE a good person, especially because you are willing to look at yourself and work on change.

The nitpicking and criticism, in my opinion, may stem from your frustration (possibly resentment) about your sex life with your H as well as other possible R issues that may not have surfaced.

While I agree that it is important to diminish the criticism and acting out, it is also important to take time to listen to your feelings and try to figure out why you are aggravated. It could be the little thing that you're picking on, or it could really be a symptom of your feelings about what happened in bed that morning, or you could be reading that moment as an indication of a greater issue (eg, he leaves his dirty socks on the floor next to the couch=inconsiderate of how hard you work to keep up a nice house.)

It is no easy thing to keep yourself in a state of awareness at all times. With time and practice, you won't have to work so hard at it.

Hope that's helpful.

Lucky

Thank you Lucky (and everyone) --
I think that PART of the nitpicking and criticism is that I am pushing and pushing in hopes that there is something to push against / hopes that he'll push back a little. Possibly to incite him to get a little more aggressive? It isn't conscious, for sure. Obviously, it is having the opposite affect. It would help if I, at least, thought about things before I said them (I have a terrible foot in the mouth problem as it is).
Thank you again!

Don't be too hard on yourself, Lamby. It works both ways. I'd lay down good money on a bet that your H is failing to give YOU the affirmation that you need also, which is generally different for a woman.

In general or generic terms: the primary 'validation' point for men, their key "vanity point," if you will, is in regard to their *actions* as a man, their accomplishments, the level of appreciation expressed for them by their woman: or as John Grey puts it, one of their primary 'needs' is to feel NEEDED. All smart wives should keep this important tidbit in mind when dealing with their husbands.

In general or generic terms: the primary 'validation' point for women, their key "vanity point," if you will, is in regard to their *attractiveness* as a woman, their beauty and sex-appeal, the level of desire expressed for them by their man: or as John Grey puts it, one of their primary 'needs' is to feel CHERISHED. All smart husbands should keep this important tidbit in mind when dealing with their wifes.

Please note that the above two comments are in regard to basic, *primal* aspects of being male or female, separate and apart from any success and self-confidence that we achieve in the frontal-lobe, intellectual part of our brains. Under all of our modern trappings, women are still attracted to men for their power and accomplishments, and men are still attracted to women for their physical beauty and sexiness. In most stories and movies, heroes rescue heroines in trouble (not the other way around), while commercial adds are often filled with half-naked, sexy women selling things (not half-naken men). Yes, these two examples can be reversed, but I hope you get my point --> that our hunter-gatherer, primitive forebears still affect our respective male & female roles and psyche's, even today.

And yet, almost the instant folks get married, we begin to undermine the very thing that our partner really needs us to *validate* on that basic, primal level. Men stop telling their wives how beautiful and sexy they are (she should "just know," right?), and stop chasing and pursuing their wives (she's already 'caught,' right?). Women stop praising their husbands for their contributions and accomplishments (he should "just know," right?), and start henpecking or nagging him about what he either does wrong or fails to do completely (he won't improve unless I point those things out, right?).

If, instead, both partners in a marriage start to give each other the praise and affimation that they need, in these -root- areas that are important to their gender, it can create significant improvement in a relatively short amount of time. My wife and I have experienced this firsthand.

-- B.

P.S. Schnarch fans may read the above as catering to the "reflected self," while Glover/Dieda fans may claim that a truly Superior Man shouldn't need such affirmation from his woman. Just keep in mind that in the *real* world, and in dealing with *real* people, the "reflected self" still has its importance, as long as it's kept in its place and taken in moderation...like alcohol.

Lamby, you said: "I think that PART of the nitpicking and criticism is that I am pushing and pushing in hopes that there is something to push against / hopes that he'll push back a little. Possibly to incite him to get a little more aggressive? It isn't conscious, for sure."

I know what you are saying and yes it is a subconscious thing that many women do to men. It starts out this way:

Subconsciously, we women need to know a man can take care of us and is in fact, stronger than we are. If he is not, then how can he protect us and our babies in the face of danger? If he is not stronger than us, then we may have to in fact, protect HIM from danger, a task we are not willing to do because we already have to protect ourselves and our babies. Protect him too? No way. That's his job, along with protecting us.

In our subconscious minds, we know we cannot accept being with a "weak" man, and if we have any hint or snif of weakness in him (not talking about vulnerability, they are different things), then inside, it sort of ticks us off. If he can't take ME down, how can he take down a cave bear trying to attack my den?

So we begin to push him a little, hoping he'll prove he is not weak, and that he certainly is not weaker than US.

Of course, it doesn't really work. A man will not respond to being provoked that way. He will shut down and withdraw. Especially a nice guy. All he will read is that you are being a bitch. He will not understand that you are challenging him to step it up a notch.

And since we are doing this subconsciously, we ourselves barely understand we are asking him to step it up, either.

If we could be totally honest and bring these subconscious things to the surface, then we could just say "hey husband, when you behave this way or that way, it makes me afraid that I am stronger than you are, and I just can't have that. Can you please show me that you are in fact stronger than me and able to protect me?" Usually in the face of pure honesty, THEN a man will "get" what you are doing and trying to say and trying to get him to show you.

But without the full honesty about it, then you can't really deliver the right message. Instead you deliver a message that says "I am just high maintanance and no matter what you do, it will never be enough".

At this point, a man will think "I cannot make her happy, so I will find a woman who I can make happy" or something along those lines.

He ultimately wants to make you happy, which is very hard for women to understand, because a man will do many things that do not seem to be designed to make us happy, and will refuse to do some things that you have directly TOLD him WILL make you happy.

That part is a whole other problem, the problem where people give what they want to receive. So a man tries and tries to make you happy in ways that HE would want to receive, little does he know that these things do little to increase your happiness.

So anyway, that part is different.

The "bullying" him part...where you are in fact trying to get him to step up, will not work until you really know how to bring out the best in him, instead of provoke him.

As Baggy and others are saying, appreciating him and stroking his ego, complimenting him in the areas where his pride are affected, admiring his accomplishments...this is the way to bring out the best in him and it will in fact, bring out his strength more and more as well.

He does need to do some work, I am sure and I hope the NMMNG will help him. He does need to step it up and prove to you and to himself that he is NOT weak. But getting him from here to there will be a process, so hopefully in the meantime, you can learn to stop the nit-picking, because it will NOT work the way you hope it will.

I'm not saying he is weak, but a nice guy does have trouble accessing his own masculine energy and power. He has trouble not seeing women as more powerful than he is. This is where that dilemma comes in. He actually is NOT weak by any means, but he is allowing his man-ness to lay dormant, not engaging it, not developing it.

Give him time to develop it, but also begin to make some steps toward telling him gently that you need to see his man-ness and strength.

I wanted to ask you a couple of things.

About the porn. Can you tell me, does it offend you, or are you just ticked when he watches it and then doesn't initiate?

And the other thing, you said that you are sometimes a little grossed out during sex. Can you explain this a little more? I am just trying to get a feel for if this will fix itself as you explore these other things, or if it is something else you will both need to work on. Try your best to explain what you mean by being grossed out, and if it is happening consistently, or only once in a while, or only after a certain event or...?

DQ

DQ -
1) About the porn. Can you tell me, does it offend you, or are you just ticked when he watches it and then doesn't initiate?

I don't find porn morally objectionable, if that is the question. But I guess I am more than "ticked" ... It is definitely, in part, because H doesn't initiate that makes me annoyed that he watches it. But more than that really ... I guess I AM offended b/c I am HERE and willing / wanting to ML and he's off in another room with basically someone else! It is as if he doesn't want to acknowledge that I have sexual needs and/or am willing to meet his needs. And then lastly, I think that his use of porn only contributes to our sexual problems because a) he won't initiate if he can figure out how to "get the job done" w/o me; and b) he will only make a PE problem worse by rushing along the process in secret all the time. Honestly, I guess I am offended but not for the usual "offended by porn" reason. So I'm seething all the time when he goes into the bathroom for an extended period of time ... like a CRAZY person basically monitoring him. I think I need to have a discussion with him that I want it to stop ... but is that unreasonable? Seriously, I am curious what people think.


2) And the other thing, you said that you are sometimes a little grossed out during sex. Can you explain this a little more?

I'm not sure if I can. I guess ... I guess if I knew that the sexual experience was going to be exciting / gratifying, I would be much more into it but I almost don't even want to be kissed or even breathed on. It ends up being all about the mechanics -- like "let's just get this over with so we can move onto something else." And I get annoyed that there is SO much foreplay ... like 90% of the session is that. And I kind of know what's going to happen and it is so ... unappealing to me ... (I really can't even believe that I'm admitting this things even to myself.) I know I have control over what happens in the bedroom too but I feel like I'm already in control of so much that I don't want to take the reins on this too. I find his unwillingness to be sexually aggressive so unsexy that I'm not into it. I'll DO IT but I'm a little turned off. There might be more to it ... or less ...

OK - you did a great job at explaining both. I think I understand your position and your feelings on both matters.

The good news is - based on both of your answers to these things, it is evident that you really only lack communication with him. You haven't been able to communicate your unhappiness on these two things in a way that he has understood yet. Once you do, I think he will be more than happy to jump on board to a better "way" of handling your sex life.

What did you think about my description of "why" women provoke men into showing us they are stronger than we are? Did it resonate?

DQ

Yes - it definitely did. Sorry I didn't respond as such. It is all so much to process and think about and put into practice. I'm overwhelmed!

I have communicated somewhat to H about porn but I mostly just told him I was okay w/ it so long as it isn't instead of being w/ me. And I'm realizing that I'm not okay w/ it at all. And I feel UNCOMFORTABLE saying that. I feel like it is another demand on my long list of seemingly bossy demands.

For now, don't bring it up again. Give yourself time to process everything. As you've said, it is a LOT! It won't do much damage to just leave him be as he is for a bit longer, while you keep reading.

Just rest assured that once you can CLEARLY communication what it is EXACTLY that you want from him, he will likely be more than happy to give it to you! But before you spend a bit more reflection time and lose some of the resentment, you will not be able to clearly communicate it to him.

Another week or two, and you will be a lot further along than today, as you will have absorbed a lot and will not be so overwhelmed.

You are normal. You and your H's issues are normal. They are probably somewhat easily fixed, compared to so many other people's sitch.

Hang in there with us a bit longer, and keep reading everything!

DQ