Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What's it really all about?

Coach,

She acknowledges I've changed and I'm everything she ever wanted me to be; but it still Doesn't Matter. Too Much, Too Late, says she...

Yes, I know @Greek says that's what she says, but, to quote some of the old-timers, she's voting with her feet now, too.

She has engaged counsel and I have, too.

It's not what I want; but, it's my Reality.

We are about to tell the kids.

That has to be my Target... for now.

Continuing to Work on me comes next.

Can somebody crack that code? Cuz it's a killer...I've heard it too.

My best guess is that the improvements are regarded as related to the "separation"...we are better off without each other kind of thing. The question is (for both parties), can we be our better selves together?

Then again, maybe the WAS just doesn't want to step up and cops out or has his/her sites set on someone/something else...or, or, or.

Alex- I am so sorry you have to go through this. Be strong.

AlexEN,
I voted with my feet and I filed, too. But I still WATCHED Coach so don't stop the good work. Don't call the game on account of rain...keep playing

Don't stop the good work on AlexEN.
Cheers ~

I get it too. I think we all do.

From my W it comes across as "You were X and did not do Y, and that killed all emotion and love in me. The emotions and attraction are gone. Now you can change all you want and do all you want, but that won't force the emotions to come back in me. We can't go back"

I think our spouses see our changes as attempts to manipulate them. I know my W still sees everything I am doing as one big attempt to convince her to come back and love me. It frustrates her. When I don't stop and revert back to my old normal, she claims that I am not listening to her when she tells me it won't work.

I don't know if there is a standard code to crack, except that consistent new behavior on our parts will slowly become accepted as the new norm by our spouses. It's almost a race - do they accept that first or leave first?

Seems to me that the WAS is stuck in anger. Perhaps some of them feel like "You had everything YOUR way all these years while I suffered. I'm finally able to stand up for myself and make you feel some hurt/rejection/abandonment/neglect, and now you're not even going to let me have THAT? HMPH!"

The way I got over my anger toward my H was when I started learning and reading and understanding the forces that HE was struggling against in life. I found those materials (at first, "Sex Starved Marriage," then "No More Mister Nice Guy") and this site on my own. Being able to understand how he was a product (victim?) of his own upbringing helped me loosen my anger and have compassion for him. Then I was open to hearing his words and seeing his efforts as genuine and loving. Until then, I could easily turn anything he did into an act of evil. Poor guy.

I don't know how your WAS' can get access to the books, because I doubt your spouses would be receptive to anything like that coming from you. Maybe a friend of a friend...

Lucky

Lucky,

You wrote:



My WAS looks at ANYTHING ANYONE (even a friend of a friend or a family member) puts in front of her as challenging her or "judging" her and not only digs her heels in, but turns the other way... She walked away from her mother before -- can't stand her, she just "puts up with her" -- because she tried to control her when she was growing up... [Warning: Psychobabble to follow]... But she has become like her mother, trying to control the people around her, all the while projecting that trait on others, most notably on yours truly.

I'm going to do what I want and NO ONE is going to stop me...

And, don't get me wrong, I have my own FOO issues, though many less than before because of the many self- and other-applied 2 X 4s. I've come out of this a better father, and for that I am grateful, I just think her methodology $ucked...

-AlexEN

God, this is IDENTICAL to what my W has told me. Justt to put the exclamation point on it, she said she was "resolute" in her decision.

Alex, all I can say is my W too. Too common to be just an accident. My W has cut off friends of ours that she saw as "not validating" her decision as she put it. She said they (our friends) weren't there, so they don't know.

Sad that the friends of OURS who have OUR (kids included) best interest at heart are the ones she sees as the enemies.

Yes, but what I've also found, when I've learned that she's told mutual friends, that it is surprising how few of those friends won't call her on how it will effect the kids... A lot of people just don't want to be seen as "taking sides" and she leaves out pertinent details...

-AlexEN

Alex, not a lot of our mutual friends know, but those who do have told W she is making a mistake by walking out. She continues to talk to them, but she has made it clear she will NOT discuss our M with any of them.

I do not know for sure who she is talking to about our M, but I have a pretty good idea who it is. She only seems to be listening to those who validate her decision. After learning through DB'ing, I completely understand why and what W is doing. Don't agree with it, but I understand.