Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

Yes, good point.

Will wait until I see her again after work tomorrow. Actually, I will wait until after the boys go to bed. I have to say something, it's eating me up. I just need the strength to be prepared for whatever the answer will be.
I hate this situation. I hate everything about this. It is changing my personality, affecting my relationships with my friends and family, and slowly affecting my love for my wife, my best friend. I still love her with my whole heart, but she has wounded me deeply. Sometimes I wonder what I am fighting for. My heart used to leap when I heard her car pull in the driveway after work, now it sinks. I am not ready for this. I feel at this point I need a miracle, but it doesn't come. The success stories I read here only depress me because they are not my story.
Please, whoever reads this, I am just venting. This sight is like a journal. It feels good to put down how I feel, knowing that those who read it have similar feelings.

Rich,

Communicating with each other will make you closer. Even if you have to work through horrific things together. Living as you are is not living with passion and intimacy. Be brave!

Lucky

I went thru the exact same thing. Fridays went from the best day of the week to the worst, too, and Mondays vice-versa.

I think we all go through that dread of seeing the person who we formerly loved so much, change into Mr./Mrs. Hyde. It's like living with the Hulk where if you say the wrong thing, they transform into this grotesque human being.

You say that you're depressed about the success stories you read. If you look at them carefully, they all have 2 things in common. Time and patience. The process takes a long time. Some longer than others. Which is why you need the second thing...patience.

We all have that anxiety especially when there is an other person involved.

There's another option for you rather than just accusing her of seeing this other guy. And before you debate that, mark my words, that is how she's going to see it. She's going to see it as a direct attack at her whether it's true or not. Is there any way you can get involved with what she's doing without making it look like you're in her business? If she doesn't offer up any information, stay consistent in asking how things are going and really engage. Kind of like when you're first dating someone, you try to find out everything you can about them when you're talking to them.

Get that interest in her while you're detaching and GAL. After all, you want her to find out that your life is interesting too.

Stuck,
yes, I can be involved, in fact I already am to a point. You see, this movie business started before we were having problems. I always do ask her how things are going. That's how I know this whole thing is legit. She updates me on the progress of the movie each time I ask. I am not naive, however, something might have ignited with this guy, but at least I know that this isn't a cover up. I will take what you said very seriously. Thanks for your input. It all helps.

My sister came over to my house yesterday to keep my mind off my wife. We played with my kids, took them to dinner and watched a movie until their bedtime. She left and then I went to bed.
While she was gone, she texted me a few times. Once to see how the boys were. She goes out on average 3 times a week. Once with her girlfriends from her old job, once with her brother, and every Sunday night she goes to the meeting of the movie company with the old friend she texts so often to. Whenever she isn't home to eat dinner with us, or put the kids to bed, they get upset, "where's mommy?" and "Why isn't mommy eating dinner with us again?" I normally don't tell her, because up till now I thought she needed to get out to relieve some of the stress I thought was she was under that was affecting our marriage.
This time, when she asked how they were, I told her they were very upset that she wasn't home. She texted back if she should call if either of them wanted to talk to her. By this time, they were happily playing with my sister and said they didn't want to talk to her.
The next couple are the ones which make me think. She texted me to see if I had heard if Michael Jackson had died, and if it was true. Later she texted me to tell me the band was good, and the boat ride was great.
I don't think she is so cold that she would be calling me and rubbing it in my face that she is having such a good time. So, I see it that when she heard the odd news, she thought to ask me, and later she must have been thinking of me if she wanted to tell me the evening was good.
OK, am I reading into this something that isn't there, or am I a completely naive idiot?
Thanks for your input.

You are overthinking and trying to read her mind as to her intention of why she called. You have to drop this.

I'll say it again...you have to DETACH to the point where it doesn't matter what she does/thinks/feels, or what the outcome may be.

I posted this on one of my older threads:

You're right nds. Detachment is the key. In hindsight I know what I did wrong.

1. Didn't GAL
2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was.
3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory.
4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on
5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances. Alot of damage was done in that first month and a half.

So for any newbies - DETACH like you will die if you don't. It's kind of a catch 22 though. I didn't know what detaching really was until recently - and it took my W saying she wanted a D to actually get me to the point where I actually understood what detachment really meant.

To me (now) detachment means:

1. To not care what the outcome will be. And I mean really not care - not just lip service because it's not heading south. When my sitch was heading north, it was easy to convince myself I was detached because the horizon looked good. It was a false sense of detachment, it was actually comfortability disguised as detachment - because it looked like it was going to work out the way I wanted it to.

The only way you'll know that you're really detached is that no matter which way the situation seems to be headed you will feel the same way - no rollercoaster ride. If you get there, then you're really detached.

2. To detach from your own feelings about the situation. Don't let your feelings dictate how you are going to feel/act or what you're going to say. As a LBS our feelings are often attached to our spouse in such an unhealthy way that we are focused more on interpreting their actions, guessing their thoughts and feelings, trying to control their thoughts/feelings/actions by what we do/say.

I see it so much in my behavior over the last 9 months since the bomb dropped. I used WAY TOO MUCH energy thinking about things that I couldn't control, thinking about the future by doing negative projection, trying to take the temperature of the sitch, trying to guess what my W was thinking/feeling, interpreting her behaviors and trying to establish a connection between her actions and her thoughts/feelings. I have to say, I never guessed right. So put an end to it RIGHT NOW.

3. To detach from your spouse. And I mean really detach. When you: Aren't thinking about what she may be thinking, aren't concerned about what she is doing, aren't snooping to find out information, aren't trying to gauge which direction she is heading in relation to your sitch, aren't adjusting your actions to have an 'effect' on your W, aren't doing things to elicit a response, aren't focused on her issues, aren't focused on her behavior, aren't gauging your self-worth based on what you perceive to be her feelings about you - then you'll know you have detached from her.

When you get a life for yourself. Do the things you like to do without any thought of how it will in some way 'improve' your chances of reconciliation. When you stand up and keep your head high no matter what is going on around you. When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome. Then you will have detached.

Anything else is a false sense of detachment. It will be many things disguised as detachment. So be wary of when you think you are detached. If things head south, then you'll really know if you are or not.

And also this:

I thought what I wrote above was flying in the face of the advice of doing 180's, but in reality it's not.

180's are doing things for yourself which you typically don't do. If we do them for the purpose of changing our sitch's they could easily backfire and put the final nail in the coffin. If that happens, how do you think you'll feel when you realize you did it to illicit a response only to get opposite what you wanted?

It's the 'if I do this, then that will happen' mentality. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I see now I put way too much energy into thinking about it. My shite often backfired...lol. Go figure.

The only 180 you need to do is this - WORK ON IMPROVING YOURSELF.

If you keep on improving yourself you'll have a natural 180. You will be constantly changing and improving and you'll be damn moving target. As you improve yourself:

You get more confident
Your communication skills go up
You learn to shut up and listen - really listen
You learn to put yourself in the other persons position so that you can really understand where they're coming from
Your self worth and self esteem goes up
You start doing things you always wanted to do but didn't
You start taking care of yourself physically
You start a new hobby
You go outside your safety zone and start doing different things (I'm gonna go jump out of a farkin airplane)
You start to embrace your life (go watch Yes Man)

( Notice the things on that list have nothing to do with your spouse or your situation. I didn't do alot of these things - so learn from my mistakes. Keep your damn eyes off your spouse and your situation...and stick them on you)

Of course this list goes on and on....you pick the things you want to work on...but don't do it based on some 'effect'.

As you do these things, your happiness will go up. If they aint happening for you, well that's the map for what you need to work on. Constant 180's, made for you without intending them to 'change' your situation. You go for the ride, if they hop on then more power to you.

If they don't, well they just missed the best train they could have taken. Don't worry though, there are other stations ahead.

Remember this - 'Control is an Illusion'

And this - I could be wrong about all of it. Use it at your own risk or throw it into the shite pile with the rest of the cr@p.

You're simply reading too much -- PERIOD. If you spend any time at all on other people's threads, you will learn very common advice from experienced DBers: DON'T TRY TO "FIGURE OUT" WHAT EVERYTHING YOUR SPOUSE IS DOING "MEANS."

In fact, your wife is pretty much all you post about. You're still way too enmeshed, IMHO.

Puppy

You both have hammered home for me what I have admittedly tried to avoid. Subconsciously I know I need to "go dark" and work on myself. I have not been giving this enough of my effort. I keep thinking my situation is different than others here, she really does love me deep down and she will come back, etc. But my situation is not different.
I also have to admit to myself that I am weak and probably co-dependant.
From now on I will steel myself against co-dependant urges and focus inward. It will be difficult, but necessary. I only hope it isn't too late.
Pray for me.