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IL,
I like the sound of this post. Good for you. The DivorceCare group is a wise decision, and will help you to find your balance. I think they come from a Christian perspective, but are open to anyone.

I'm not sure how you're defining detachment. I think of it as establishing and maintaining physical and emotional boundaries so that we can use our energy wisely, and not get pulled into maladaptive patterns (relational and internal).

CL

Hi In Limbo......you sound so great! I am so relieved to know you are thinking like you are and have the attitude you do. You will make it now....just keep with what you are doing.



Sandi

All - thanks for the encouragement. I don't have time to post much now, but wanted to thank you guys for checking in on me. Had a great weekend with my parents, brother and his girlfriend. Think I'm doing ok in a lot of areas. Still trying to "lovingly detach" which remains my biggest challenge. Will post more later.

Hello all! I hope everyone is having a good day. It's beautiful here, not a cloud in the sky. Too bad I'm working instead of at the pool!

I'm struggling with something and hope someone has some advice. Last night, H asked me if it was ok for him to take the boys to the beach this weekend. After slipping up momentarily and asking him who else was going (thinking it was a college aged male friend of ours, NOT a female) which aggravated him, I said yes. I then started planning what I was going to do with three whole days without any responsibilities! I had planned a massage, pedicure, pool time, etc.

Then this morning H says "if you will find us a place to stay, you are welcome to go with us to the beach." H never plans anything on his own, has NEVER planned a vacation - I've always done that. I was insulted as it seemed to me a conditional invite and that I was being used. I told him thanks, but no thanks for him to just take the boys and go. I figure a great 180 for me is to hold out and NOT help H with any reservations, planning, packing or even directions (I always navigate). If he's going to be on his own, he needs to be doing those things anyway and I've got to give up trying to control situations by always doing everything (my tell-tale codependency). If I know H, he will either try to convince me to go or end up not going because I didn't make the arrangements. I may be surprised and he may just go on and everything be fine for all involved.

But here is my delima. I know my children well enough to know they will not understand why I am not going with them and may not even want to go without me. What do I do if they kids react that way? What do I do if they beg me to go or say they don't want to go? Do I go for them or is that just a cop-out for really not trusting H to take them without me (again controlling)? I really want to break this cycle of H depending on me (using me) for all of his responsibilities, which is what I believe is best for me, but I also want to do what is best for the kids. If we were D, they would have to go without me, right? Is not going an opportunity for H to see what he'd miss without me there? Or would going be an opportunity for H to see happy family times?

I'd appreciate feedback on this if anyone has thoughts on it.

Thanks!

In
I dont really know
If you are DB and standing, you can go and make it a really pleasant weekend see how it goes,

If you choose not to go
maybe you could tell the kids the truth?? a simple version of truth-
when my xh dropped bomb and started to go out every weekend
and we never spent any time together as a family anymore
I had to tell kids something
my kids saw me trying to speak to x, listening to him, attempting to make the M work
they saw xh visit, leave, lie, spend a lot of money, not return calls ect..
they know
I told them daddy was in crises and trying to work things out in his life
he still loves them and this was Not about them or me
I loved them I would be here for them and we prayed for DAD to be ok
I felt it was the truth as I saw it..not sure if this is the right thing
this is somethging we really cant protect them from
they will know something is up
they adjust easily though especially when they see mom is still there and their lives are the same in other ways
house, friends, school ect
good luck
peace

IL,
I understand your dilemma. We have to continually make decisions about what events we should say yes or no to. I had to grapple with the same thing regarding a vacation with my W.

In my case, I decided that given my W's behavior over the past six months, the logical consequence for her actions would be that I would skip this trip. Maybe the concept of logical consequences will help to frame how you should decide if you go or not.

I'm not thinking in terms of punishment, but to assess the R based on his behavior over a period of months, and determine if the R is at a point where the R can withstand the connection involved in a trip together.

In my case, I was able to see that my W wanted a companion. She has shown no signs of putting effort into reconciliation. I didn't think we could handle the level of connection required to make a trip together.

CL

Peace and CL,

Thanks for the feedback. At this point, I've decided not to go. I've also made no effort to help H plan, make reservations, etc. To my knowledge he's still done none of that and yet plans to leave tomorrow evening. I will pack for the boys so I'm sure they have what they need, but that will be the extent of my involvement. Things between us have been very difficult the past week or so. We've been fighting, which hasn't really happened since the bomb.

We have another trip already planned and paid for in July that we will both go on with the boys. H has said he may not go. Either way, I'm fine with it. I just don't care to go on a trip where my invitation is solely based on a desire to have me "take care of things."

We have a MC appointment today. H hasn't shown up for the last two, since we had a very difficult session where he and the MC actually had a very heated exchange when the MC called H on some things. Will be interesting to see if H shows up.

H has initiated several conversations lately about R. I've let my guard down and not done a very good job of validating as much of what he's said I don't agree with. I need to work on validating and not defending. I believe that's why we're fighting more. Also, he seems to be more angry when I do some things that I see as ways to distance/detach (such as declining invites).

Gotta get to work now. Will update after MC session. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Thanks,
IL

Been offline a week and it feels like a lifetime!

MC last week was terrible. Once MC asked H if D was what he planned and H responded "it's headed that way" (he has still never said the D word), MC spent the rest of the time talking about Lawyers, dividing stuff, etc even though we kept trying to steer him back to discussing the kids and how to help them through this. Conversation after MC was not productive - H still focusing on the past and thinking I'm insulting him by saying he's been unfaithful (emotionally), insisting that OW is a friend only. I may be crazy, but I believe that if someone is only a friend, there's no need to hide that from co-workers, spouses, other friends, etc. I'm just so sick of it. Sorry, just need to vent. There are many days when I still want to confront her and her husband both and then let it ride out from there. If it's truly just friends, then what would be the problem with making sure they both know everything? Wouldn't change anything between us (would just make H furious), but I'm just so sick of the secrecy and lies - let's just get this all out in the open like adults why don't we?!?! UGH! Vent...vent...vent!!!!

I ended up going with H and the boys to the beach so that H would not be driving them around without a license out of state. Ok, again I caved and H didn't have to suffer the consequences of his actions. I always enjoy the beach but this trip was difficult being down where we've always vacationed as a family and not really being a solid family any more. I really need an attitude adjustment (obvious from the above rant). I'm having a really hard time with PMA lately and I think it's tied to the fact that as I look at how things are right now, I'm falling into old patterns that lead toward depression and low self esteem and letting H run all over me. Since he decided to stay in the house it's been so difficult and I've let myself get off track the past week or so especially. I feel myself withdrawing from friends and family and need to do something to break out of this quick.

When H and I were in MC after bomb, I called the therapist and told him I would only discuss working on M and he was hired as a tool to get H to see the value of working on it
the therapist agreed and after a few sessions my XH decided to not go
as he had no intentions of working on M
I had no intentions of discussing D/s at that time
he was already in secret PA with younger secretary

I dont know if you have spoke with the therapist privately
but in my opinion, therapists can be told what you have hired them for and what you will work on

you H wants to keep the A secret, like there is nothing wrong with it
they will lie, cover and do wahtever to protect OW
obviously many will give up everything to keep OW
as you know, it is probably best to Not discuss this with H

you are aware that you are off track and maybe the beach getaway had something to do with your state of mind
but
you are only an affirmation away from your center
you are doing well stronger than many
keep chin up
peace

IL,
You're hoping there's something you can do to influence H, to work on the M. I know how you feel.

Detachment (emotional, space, and time boundaries) are difficult to practice, because they involve facing difficult emotions and realities. You will detach because you will tire of the frustration of not getting results with your old patterns.

You have good insight into yourself and your actions.

I wonder why H attends MC? You want to work on the M. What does he want? Does he know? I still think IC for you is time better spent, and to hold the MC for now. You need to work on detachment and getting stronger. The MC seems to serve as another way for your M to play out its maladaptive patterns.

The beach was a mistake. You're going to make them. Emotions can pull us in ways that aren't in our best interests.

It's time to experiment with some new behaviors and ways of relating to your H and the world.

CL