Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

I can't get to her phone, no. She keeps it on her person at all times. Maybe while she is sleeping and it is recharging, but it is in our bedroom, if she woke up and saw me, well...
I don't know the other guy's wife. I wish I did, I would ask her how she feels about so many texts with another woman.
As I said, I will confront her within the next couple of days. I will certainly let you know what happens.
I never thought you were making this stuff up, puppy, I just didn't want to consider this scenario.

Orich,

I know that you're probably reeling right now (I was), but you need to know that there is a strange UPSIDE to finding out that your spouse is having an affair. Affairs are highly ADDICTIVE, and it's very likely that very little of what she's been saying to you about not being in love, all of your faults, etc., is nothing more than typical wayward "re-writing of marital history." Her brain is awash with chemicals right now, and they distort her view of you and of everything she's running away from.

It will also help you to remain compassionate towards her if you can think of her as being an ADDICT.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't excuse her behavior -- this was her daily decision-making -- but it does help EXPLAIN it.

Wow, thanks.
That is a way of looking at it that I hadn't thought of. I have been going nuts trying to figure out why this happened. However, I think our problems started before this EA (still not convinced of PA) and that she turned to him when things got bad between us. May I ask, what is your story now? are you together with your wife?
Thanks again for responding

Do you know if she LOCKS it?

My wife carefully guarded her cellphone too. Cheaters always do. So I had to get creative. She'd been sleeping upstairs, in our daughter's old bedroom, on the floor in a sleeping bag. I started to pay attention to her daily routine, and I noticed that every morning, she would get up earlier than I did, leave her phone plugged in and charging (and unlocked), and come downstairs and go outside to get the newspaper, all without coming into our bedroom, where I was still sleeping in the marital bed and with the door closed. She would then make coffee, and sit down at our kitchen table and read the newspaper, and I'd typically get up about a half hour later.

So my plan was, one morning when I heard her go outside to get the newspaper, to quickly get up out of bed, leave my bedroom and close the door behind me, and run upstairs to the room in which she was sleeping. It was easy -- there was her cellphone, unlocked, with dozens and dozens of the most damning text messages between her and OM that you can imagine.

I forwarded a few of them to myself, deleted the Forwards from her Sent Items, and returned the phone to its charger, and then calmly walked downstairs. When my wife saw me, she turned as white as a ghost and stammered "I-I-I didn't even k-know you were up." I just said "Yep!" all upbeat, and went to go take a shower. When I closed my bedroom door, I could hear her immediately RUN upstairs to her room, where she was no doubt checking her phone to see if anything was amiss.

That's a long way of saying "There are ways."

Puppy

Yes, I am, but we are still having our SSM problems. I did, however, bust her affair very quickly (within two months), and she later THANKED me for fighting for her, and for our marriage and our family, and said she respected everything that I had done (multiple exposures, etc.).

Puppy

Rich,

Still following along here. I'm sorry to hear about the frequent text messages. If she catches you looking at her phone, you can simply say that you paid the bill which indicated some suspicious texting behaviors to the guy's cell phone. As her H, you have a right to know.

Puppy: Do you have a current thread going? I have a niggling thought that I wanted to mention to you.

Lucky

Kinda. In Infidelity, I have one called "my 10,000th Post".

I didn't confront my wife last night, I was too angry and afraid of what might have happened. We ate dinner as a family, then we took the boys out to ride their bikes around the block a few times. She gave the boys a bath, and when they went to bed at 8, I went to the gym. We barely spoke to each other. I just started the gym a couple of weeks ago. I love it. I get out of the house and go to a place that has nothing to do with her, and it's full of strangers. I don't know why I find that comforting. True, once in a while I'll see a couple working out together and get a little jealous, or I'll see a very attractive woman in tight gym clothes sweating on some machine and get a little frustrated, but they are usually fleeting. I get in my treadmill time and circuit. I can spend up to 2 hours there. Last night, after the workout, I didn't want to go home. However, it was past 10 o'clock, and I have to get up at 4 every morning to go to work, so I did go home. Fortunately, she was sleeping. WHen I came into the room, I accidentally woke her up. All she said was that I could turn on the light if I needed to change for bed. I thanked her, changed, and went to sleep.
This morning, I woke up by the alarm. I looked at the time and thought, ugh, 4am. 2 seconds later, it was like a kick in the chest again: "Oh yeah, my wife doesn't love me."
I need to think about what I am going to say when I confront her. I also need to think about what to do depending on her reaction. If God forbid she confirms it, what do I say or do then? I want to make sure I have everything in order.
A last thought. I have recently spoken to a friend of ours who knows my wife very well. He said that he noticed a change in her personality after her mother and sister-in-law died. I told him everything, and he stated to me that he thought she is troubled, that none of this behavior is normal for her. I certainly agree. I am not ignoring what may very well be, but I am still holding out the hope that, although 1800 texts are inappropriate, this guy is just stroking her ego, just making her feel good while she is upset, and that there has been no physical infidelity. Anything is possible, of course, but my wife and I are true Catholic believers. I don't think she could take that step and actually have a physical affair. Of course, as long as her mind may be screwed up, who knows. I have to be ready for either possibility.
She is going to continue going to therapy. As much as I hate to say it, I hope it works for her no matter what the outcome of our marriage is. I hope it helps us stay together, but I still love her too much to see her screwed up.
Anyway, I am working overtime today, so I won't be home until 8pm. I will tuck the boys into bed and go right to the gym. I won't have to see her today.
I can't believe I am writing that about my wife.

Orich,

There will never be a "perfect" time to confront her. Just do it. As for what to say, i would suggest:

1. If she lies, then put your hand up in a "stop" position and say "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful."

2. If she confirms it, say "I'm really sorry to hear that -- that's so disappointing. Looks like we both have some decisions to make," and end the conversation right there so you can re-group and seek out some guidance from us and others.

Puppy

I just want to make sure to control my anger, I would never hit her or anything, but I don't want to say anything I shouldn't. Now, I'm sure you are going to lambast me for this, but, How do I know if she is lying? If there is nothing serious going on, I can tell her I don't like the fact that the texting is going on anyway. What about confronting the guy? I have his phone number. What about trying to get to his wife and see what she thinks of all this?
Sorry, just trying to see this from all angles, still trying to focus on the relatively positive ones.