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TD - I've not posted to you before, and look forward to reading up on your sitch...

This sentence caught my eye. I have a similar posting somewhere in my history. Mine included driving by our old house, and a shower scene. UGH! Just pulled over sobbing. Sucks to look up from the steering wheel to a young boy looking in your window, wondering what kind of freak mom is sobbing on the side of the road! "Shooo kid! You're interrupting my self humiliation!"

Be strong.

Yes Smiley, this is true. I am trying to get there. But for now, until I am marvelously happy, I hope at least one of us is.

Travel,

Hang in there. I hope you are doing OK. I never thought I'd be this patient after my W left. But it's been exactly a year, and I'm not giving up on my M. Patience, Travel. You are doing good.

JR09

Okay, so The Big Chill is now in effect. Moved to new city 10 hours away. No need for contact for a good long while.

In keeping with the o so fun DB theme song running list, que the soundtrack track from above referenced film: The Rolling Stones... "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need"...

Right? Maybe? I know this is what I am supposed to accept. All this that has happened, all that is continuing to happen, we will one day look back and say, had to happen for the best. Still having trouble getting on board with this. But trying.

A little venting here, indulge me.

It occurred to me that while it was best for me to move, start a new job and get some space from the circle of doom (old life and social circles post bomb ) I'm pretty resentful of H. now having free reign over our mutual friends, favorite haunts and hangouts, whooping it up in the city I loved and called home for years-and presumably with OW in tow.

True, those haunts and hang outs were painful for me to visit, hanging out with mutual friends was often awkward since the split, and in general I was not coping very well-especially when in a coffee shopping over hearing my particular situation discussed by total strangers, who were apparently new work colleagues of H., hearing them discuss our spit over their steaming mugs as if we were the latest Jon and Kate plus 8 scandal.

So the move was for me, not for him, but still can't help feel that he gets to benefit from it hugely. He now has a lovely buffer of 10 hours and like 5 states between us. He can claim our friends now along with whatever other spoils he chooses. Okay, I am making myself sick with this ugliness, so I'll stop.

Suffice to say, I am feeling a bit jilted. Focus on the positive. I am in a new place and get to create a new life for myself. I can be mysterious, do new things that I enjoy and, if I choose to be petty, revel in how much better and more interesting my life is now that working on "Us" is not the name of the game. Is it wrong that I hope at some point he will be curious, feel he is missing out....probably not, just human response to crushed ego.

I feel pretty sensitive about the fact that a lot of people IRL(with good intentions of course, which I appreciate) comment on the fact that since we don't have kids, this will be much easier. And that at the point we are at, since we don't have kids, there is no reason to think that saving this marriage is either worthwhile or necessary.

I agree that kids add a whole nother element to the cost benefit analysis of the relationship. Reading what people on this board go through in seeing their kids sad, angry and their lives disrupted humbles me. You parents are amazing in the way you must navigate this on a whole nother level. But the notion that not having kids to worry about or to co parent leaves one feeling completely free to GAL, move on, close a chapter of their life and not look back does not completely ring true. I invested a lot in the M because I chose to, kept chosing to, because I wanted it, wanted H., even when things got rough and I thought about throwing in the towel and walking myelf, I didn't, didn't want to.

Anyone here read Eat, Pray Love (perhaps could be referred to as the walkway's manifesto)? I read it and liked parts of it, but to referrence the whole "bathroom floor moment" that Oprah champions, I had my own BR floor moment last Nov, before I knew about the EA, but knew H. and I were both lost in grief over our baby and unhappy with aspects of life and needed help. I thought about walking and all the benefits to starting over. I thought about how easy it seemed, compared to the downward spiral we were in. But I didn't want to. I wanted to stay, I wanted to find the path where H and I together could rise from the ruins. It really was what I wanted. Perhaps I knew it more at that moment than I did on my wedding day. I suprised myself.

I recognize that without kids, I have a different degree of responsibility these days, and have no doubt that I probably will be very happy one day without H., perhaps with someone else...but I if I could have my druthers I still would choose to be happy with H., in an improved version of the M. that we had. Why I still feel this way, I don't know. But I do. I miss things about him that are not interchangeable, and worry that no matter how whole I become without him, that I always will.

But for now, The Chill is in effect, I am dark, and GAL is the name of the game. Thanks for listening.

How about that you're human? That it has only been 5 months!! That you just moved on top of everything.

Don't mistake having a PMA with repressing your feelings. You've got to grieve and allow yourself to feel the loss. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can start to really move on...

I, for one, can't say that not having children makes it easier for you BUT, as you said it sure takes a giant load off your plate and enables for a clean break.

Do you have friends in new city? If not, you've got plenty of GALing to do.

You are so bright and engaging and young, forgive me for predicting that you will be more than ok.

For now, it is really alright to feel like cr*p, it is normal.

I feel like cr*p today too...(Father's Day without me involved, hurts)...

It is what it is...

TD,

I don't know your sitch, was just reading some recent posts and read yours (guess I'm one of the ones you meant by "Thanks for listening.)

I admire what you're doing and can appreciate your grieving process.

We're all trying to GAL, I admire your GA(new)L.

The Eat Pray Love mention really caught my eye. The WAW Manifesto, huh? My WAW read it 2 mos before Bomb and said to me "You should read this". I didn't.

Guess I'd better.

Peace and good luck

TD,

Thanks for replying on my thread. You can do this. I didn't know I had a lot of resiliency stored in me after 1 year of separation. It's not that it makes me stronger. It made me understand why my WAS left and what I needed to do to get myself right.

I know you don't have children. But I'm sure the pain of separation is just as tough. Remember: you WILL know when it's time to call it quits. If it's not time yet, then keep DBing. If for nothing else, you'll be a much better person, humbled and void of any anger towards your H. At least that's what 1 yr of separation has taught me: I have no anger towards my W. I applaud the fact that she was courageaous enough to remove herself from a rough situation. Now I hope she musters the same courage to trust me again.

You can do it, TD.

JR09

Traveldane,

THANKS for the reply. You made my day with your encouragement. One year is definitely a long time for me. But I take it one day at a time. And that's how I am able to cope this far. I even surprised myself with the amount of resiliency I have after one full year of separation. Someone told me that I WILL know when it's time to stop the wait. Well, I haven't felt it yet, TD. That's why I still hang on to the hope that my W will one day welcome me back.

I don't know if you read my thread. I still talk with my W each week as well as with each one of our boys. So that's still a blessing. When I called my W last THU, I extended an invitation to her to join the boys and I for a couple of days if she wanted to. She didn't say yes or no...just remained silent. I didn't push the issue, although deep inside I sure wish she says Yes so she can judge for herself how much I did change during the past year.

I hope this finds you well,TD. Many thanks for taking the time to encourage me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I'll check back again soon.

JR09

Thanks AAK, Gardner and JR,

Appreciate your support and encouragement.

Hope everyone is having a good, DBing-tastic day.

Ok. So I am supossed to be dark, no contact. I suck at it. No, actually, I don't completely suck at it, can do it to an extent, have been overal, but can't seem to drop the rope completely. I know it is bad for my situation, bad for me most of all.

I talked to WAH today. Much as I am mad at myself for initiating contact, it was a good conversation, in that it gave me some understanding. For months I've been collecting words or phrases, trying to understand him, what happened. I know that I need to stop doing this, but my drive to connect the dots, to undertand my reality, is too much for me at times.

My anger and hurt over so many things about this seemed to culminate over the past few days in thoughts about why H gave up on us. Why was something that was so good for him once no longer what he wanted. Was I vanilla when he now wanted strawberry, or did he just accidentally order vanilla in the first place. Or, did he think he wanted vanilla and than realize he was lactose intollerant?

Anyway, whatever. Following the DBing "rules", I just listened. I obstained from defending us, what happened. I validated and agreed at times. Here is what he told me.

For a long time, about a year before we lost our baby, he felt like we had started to focus on too many other things besides our relationship. He said we pushed to do more, buy more, always were everything to everyone (neighbors, friends, family) but he said "if only we had put as much effort into us as we did to everything else in our life". He said that perhaps we did this to compensate. He said the poor communication was a factor and that then, when we lost the baby, our already leaning tower collapsed.

I so wanted to defend us against all the things that had spread us thin over the past year, to say that it wouldn't have had to continue this way. But instead I agreed with him, because I do agree that we spread ourselves too thin and lost sight of what was important. I told him how much this time apart had allowed me to refocus my priorities, learn what I wanted most from life. Was continuing to work on that. I told him I could understand why he felt our relationship was lacking and said how sorry I was that it had become that way.

Feeling better after conversation because I feel less personally condemed. Still frustrated that H. judged the situation irrepairable a long time ago (5 mos)and appears to have closed the book for good. Did not bring up OW but know that that is making it easy for him to lose no tears over our M.

Wondering. Do WAS who eventually take the risk to try again, where does that first seed of willingness to believe come from?

Clearly H. wants space to live his own life now. I am trying to let go completely, and I think he knows that, but clearly since it has not fully happened, it has no meaning for him.

Maybe I will allow myself one more post about connecting the dots of our conversations to try to understand this all a bit more, but then, no more posts about WAH for a while. Only can do my best for me, for now. Really really have to find a way to get my head in that place.

-strength to accept what I can't change, courage to change what I can, wisdom to know the difference. Please.