Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What's it really all about?

Alex,

What are you trying to achieve with this letter? What is your goal? To make sure you will coparent nicely? Let her know of your intentions? Remind her you are "there"? I am sorry I dont know the details of your sitch.

I've sent at least...20 letters to H before separation and ...8 short mails during separation mostly about his shortcomings as a father and his refusal to D me and 5-6 during pseudo-reconcialiation. I was mostly expressing feelings and it was a way to vent. Until this day, I am not sure he really read those days, it seems he does now. I was very devastated to not get any response from him. What I am trying to say, be clear in your head what this is all about BEFORE you send it.

And I would be more...strict, less emotional about it if it was only about coparenting. It feels a bit like...subtly pleading, as a last ditch effort? I may be out of context and cant read your previous threads at the moment, but that's what I got from reading it.
I will think about it some more. You are not in a hurry, are you?
xxx
K

Thanks Kalni,

This:



... is exactly the way I don't want it to come across...

Back to the drawing board...

-AlexEN

Alex,

I was going to say something similar, but I never made it all the way thru the looooooong letter, so I didn't know if my comment would be fair or not.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a "parting shot/let-me-be-on-the-record" letter (I did it, as I think you know). But you can't "teach" a wayward.

Puppy

Geez, Puppy, maybe you're right, maybe one can't "accept" and be "vulnerable" at the same time...

That's the tone I wanted, but, evidently, didn't get...

Oh, I think it can be CONVEYED, but I don't think they're in a frame of mind to RECEIVE it that way.

If you're looking for an "ideal script," that they can read years later and see what a wonderful guy you were/are and how you fought the good fight, then yeah. But just don't expect them to "get it" now.

Puppy

Hey Alex..

I read your letter and waited a few days before posting.

Great story, great thoughts, lotsa words.

It's great practice for you. For you to write. For you to work through things.

For your wife?

Why not try again, this time writing from your heart, simple direct honesty.. no teaching, no big agenda... just a man.. a husband, father, son, lover, friend.. all you are.

Less is usually more. Write what you feel, what you believe for you.. not an audience. This is a gift you give yourself.

*hugs*

I promise you the DONT get it. They cant. Their little grey brain cells are programmed to NOT get it. Period.
What is your goal: "bye bye have a good life, be well so that my kids have a mother" type of letter? What it is? Trying to sound determined?

And when we say vulnerability and detachment dont assume you have to SHOW vulnerability at all phases. Just keep your heart vulnerable. It may be productive to show otherwise to your W, but INSIDE, keep that spark alive.

Anyway, my H responded well to "have a nice life, sure I want you to be well and find a nice woman to make you happy but you are only the father to my kids for me". And I was sweet, no emotion, polite and short. Of course he bought it when I truly meant it... Talking about a mess!!!!
K

Gypsy,

Thanks.

You're right.

Did I ever tell you you're a great writer?

-AlexEN

Back off Alex, I am her agent. You need to talk to me!!!

Being vunerable doesn't mean you're open to being hurt. Think (Stockdale/Spiers) I love you and I am comfortable enough with who I am to have another go at this or I am strong enough to press on. Get yourself to the point where you love yourself enough to not be afraid of the outcome either way. You can handle it.
Cheers