Those of you who remember @Thinker’s post with his canoe/kayak “parable” will recognize some strong similarities and he was kind enough to let me borrow heavily from his story to try to make sense of mine.
W,
I’ve thought more about the exchange we had about friendship, as my last e-mail to you felt incomplete and also because of something else you said last week about trust. While it started with the “friends” idea, it expanded from there…
But first, because I didn’t want to forget… For what it’s worth, I don't believe it's a way of life for you... Even so, I think I may still believe in you more than you believe in you...
What I am trying to tie together is the end of our marriage with my feelings about our children and the form of “friendship” future in light of all that has happened.
It got me thinking about what the precursors to friendship are… In our case I think it would communicating better and re-establishing some sort of trust as I don’t think either one of “trusts” the other right now…
I see what has happened through a different lens than I did before and my focus is on our children which, perhaps, given that Sunday was Father’s Day is with some heightened awareness. My reticence with divorce at this point has nothing to do with saving “us” as it once did, but because of my concerns about the children and how this will affect them. I don’t think for a second that you do not share my concerns because I am certain of one thing, your love for our children.
And, just as certain as I am that I am that divorce isn’t the best course for them so, too, do I realize that you do not see any other choice. I get it; I want to move on, too, because I don’t want the relationship we don’t have now any more than I do want the one we had before. And as sure as I am that we could have the relationship with each other that we each want, you are just as sure that you do not want that relationship with me.
I get that, too. I accept it [thought-bubble (in homage to SP) “even though I don’t respect it…”.] In fact, I’ve realized that what I think sucks most about all of this is how we have let the kids down. I hate the idea of having to tell them we’re getting divorced more than I hate that it has come to this. I know you will be fine and I know I will be fine; but, there is no way for either one of us to know how it will affect each of them. The passage of time alone will answer that question.
But, while I accept that it is time to move on, it took some time to realize I can do so without it meaning that I agree it is the right choice; but it is your choice. Your needs are your needs. It is what it is. I also accept my responsibility in this narrative.
While I DO still love you, I cannot honestly say I am in love with you today. I still desire you, more so than in 20 years. But, with no fans flaming them, the embers have all but burned out; but that’s different than not caring about you and ignoring that we still have to “partner” with each other for the sake of the kids.
So, as I’ve tried to tie these ideas (friendship, trust, communications and co-parenting) together in order to understand my own thoughts, a story a friend told helped me to visualize things in a way that starts to make some sense of the inexplicable…
He, too, is going through hard times in his marriage and he wrote a story about the journey of life and used the imagery of kayaks and canoes.
As I thought about those symbols in the context of our journey, I adapted his story this way…
In our 20's, we joined each other and began paddling and setting off on our journey in a canoe. We never noticed each other’s wistful glances back at the kayaks we had left behind us on the shore.
During the next 25 years we had a journey - lots of travels, adventures, three wonderful children, who, in their own kayaks, but never far from ours, took their cues from us in the lead canoe. Yes, there were storms, too, but in my mind, we were still in it together. We would take turns in back, steering the boat; but, when it was our turn to steer, we would too often get frustrated with each other because to me or to you, the other wasn’t paddling hard enough or in the direction we wanted the canoe to go. Finally, in a particularly stormy period, we gave up trying to convince each other to help all-together and the canoe floated about aimlessly in the middle of the lake, in a fog so thick, we could barely see each other.
Recently, when the fog lifted just a little, I noticed that you were no longer in our canoe. Your seat was empty. Somehow, during all of this, you had retrieved your kayak and were now paddling by yourself - and I began to flounder. Why did you do that? How was I going to manage my two-person boat without you? How dare you?
It is only in the very recent past that I have come to realize that the canoe was the wrong craft in the first place; the right one for a life’s journey should not be a canoe! It should be a kayak!
Now life as an independent, one-person kayak might sound lonely and "wrong", but in a canoe, one person is always in charge, shouting commands, and staring at the other person's back. No real conversation is possible; arguments are, in a way, built in. If both people are in their kayaks, however, you can happily paddle along next to each other talking. Each person is responsible for their own journey, but you decide to make the journey together.
So, now I am in the middle of a lake alone. I saw you paddle off in your own direction, but I thought I would be able to rope your shiny (and sleek) new kayak back to the ungainly old canoe we had built. I thought I could still be your husband, even though you made it clear that you are not my wife. You can’t be roped in because you are getting your kayak to work the way you want it to. I get it… I get that you have chosen to paddle off; and that I can't do anything about it. I need to continue (using a hammer, saw and other tools I can borrow from Eliot) to rebuild my craft from a canoe into a kayak, too… We’re each responsible for the design of our own canoes as well as our own supplies and rations as our crafts go off on their separate journeys and new adventures.
So, right now I have to keep working on my canoe - rebuilding it into a sturdy, independent kayak. When I am done, perhaps we may even want to join each other in paddling into an occasional new adventure together (or at the appointed time in our 70’s)... or, perhaps not. I accept that
...because even if we don’t, I'll have a great life paddling ahead in my kayak
...and in that case, I know someone else will want to join me.
But there’s still the matter of those three precious kayakers looking to us to lead them… From us, I hope they will learn not to abandon their own kayaks on the shore. Yet, they aren’t ready to kayak off by themselves in search of the partner with whom they may eventually want to journey. Their kayaks are still works-in-progress. Until the day each of their kayaks is ready to find that other kayak to paddle alongside, we need to make sure they can always see both of our kayaks in their vista. We each have some of the tools they need to get their kayaks ready for the Real World.
Our kayaks will have to come together from time-to-time without crashing into each other in what remains of the mist. We’ll have to navigate even more carefully to make sure that when our kayaks get near each other that they do so alongside each other, with neither of our crafts pulling ahead or falling behind. Because, from the side, that would look too much like the canoe did.
Implicit in this is a different form of communication between us. With some trust and if our kayaks can be, however temporarily, paddled calmly alongside each other’s, it will be so much easier to hear what each other has to say; we won’t have to shout instructions anymore. And, the kayaks watching us so closely will be able to see how two kayakers can communicate better, so when they pull alongside other kayakers, they don’t make the mistake of jumping into a canoe… and we, too, will be better-equipped as we go off in search of the next kayak we may want to be paddling alongside as we, too, set off on our own new journeys…
*****
Last week you made a comment about us having to trust each other. My initial thought, as you probably could either tell or would have guessed would have been, was “Yeah, right. I should trust her because?” But, I don’t like not trusting and so I’ve decided to trust. I will trust that you will do your best for the children. We will not always agree, but we can, I would hope, commit to be civil, courteous, and respectful to each other and to listen to what each other has to say.
And my desire to go to a “marriage workshop” is tied to that; it is not to try to change your mind or to try to win you back. I’ve let go of that idea. I want to do the workshop to see if we can, even though it’s too late for us, learn how to communicate better for our children’s sake. We still have some modeling left to do. I want us to work on trust and communications as ends unto themselves… for no other reason… I have no hidden agenda.
I just want to increase the likelihood that when our kayaks get near each others’ they can do so smoothly and peacefully.
It's always easier to find the flaws in what others have written, so I'm asking for feedback before I hit "send"...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Many couples go to Retrouvaille with one person wanting to save the marriage and one wanting out. The only expectation is that both participants are "willing and open"...the WAS does not have to want to work on the marriage just not go in closed minded (although I've read some interesting stories about that too).
Don't leave us hanging...what'd you read?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Alex, maybe I'm just getting in touch with my feminine side, or just getting some of my W's early menopause hormones, but I had to stop in the middle of your note. It choked me up.
I have read portions of this before from one of Thinker's posts. How anyone could read that and not be moved, I don't know. I wonder when the time may come for me to compose such a note to my W.
I'll try to find it, an article I read where the W dragged the H (or maybe was the other way around) and it worked out.
This is like crack for us DBers though...not sure if it is really the panacea it seems to be. If only, right?
Yep. I am actually reluctant to go until my W wants to. I kind of see as a trick you only get to try once, so pick your time and make it count.
Your wife has expressed interest, that alone is huge to me.
In my case, I feel like I haven't yet but will likely totally lose H to an A...as of now, I think he is still available. So, if I felt certain that he wouldn't be delving into another R (I can just see that he is needy that way), I would hold off. I hate feeling like it is the end all be all. There has to be something more profound than just the right timing...it just all feels so precarious for something that was supposed to be so reliable (M)...
S9 was just discussing M in the car and said that hopefully it can last a long time, "like 20 years or something"...niiiiice. Followed by, "daddy's so awesome. All of my friends wish they had my dad instead of theirs."
Yes, it is true, both partners do not need to want to save the marriage to walk in the door to Retrouvaille. In fact, few couples do. There's always one spouse pulling, and the other going along because.....a lot of things. Children, usually. Retrouvaille believes the children are always worth the effort. That we owe it to our children to try.
Thinker, I see what you are saying, that you may only get one shot at it, but those aren't their rules. You can go back. I met couples there who had tried before and failed, and came back a year or two later when they had more understanding. Retrouvaille will ask you to really look inside yourself and see what you want in life. And reveal that to your spouse. And talk about it, in private. Just the two of you. No counselors, no third opinions. And yes, it works. Not for everyone. But probably for more than 1/2 the couples who walk through the doors.
No, sorry. I don't know anything about it. I admit I did no research on marriage programs before going to Retrouvaille. One of my coworkers had just been to a Retrouvaille weekend after finding out that her H was having an affair with his secretary. She raved about the program, and when I found myself in a similar situation, I just said "Let's try this." And we did.
