Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated for 3 weeks now

sitch earlier

I read a post where it said I need to be selfish, but I have been selfish the whole time and need to treat my wife and daughter better if she will give me the chance.

OK maybe we're getting somewhere here...Why did she think you were selfish what did you do?

I think you need to flesh out your story. If you need examples, take a look at the other threads. Tell us your whole marital history and maybe before that.

I only have control over my thoughts, words, and actions. I pass out what I want to receive. If I need more support, I support more people. If I want more smiles, I smile at more people. If I want more people interested in me, I become more interested in them. This is a law of nature. During this difficult time in my life, the last thing that I would do is to be selfish. I found that being patient and kind to others (especially the people I care about the most) has been working great. Forgiving others (especially my X) for every thing I feel they do against me helped me tremendously.

The best thing I did was let W do what she needed to do, while doing what was best for my kids. You may want to go read my earlier threads for some ideas......

Hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and you will be OK. Be the best dad you can right now. Your wife is in a fog and you need to be there for your kid........

Greetings, PC;

The best way to utilize these forums is to think of us as an on-line "support group," and then tell us your story, as if you were sitting down in front of a group of friends and telling them what happened. How did the relationship begin? What were the early days of your marriage like? How did having children affect your relationship? How did it deteriorate into its current state? You'll start to get good, practical advice when the helpful folks here have as many of the details as possible....paragraphs and pages of them.

So far, we don't have much to go on, and therefore can't give very good advice. All I can suggest to you, from what you've shared is:

(1) Begin a Get-a-Life (GAL) campaign.

If you're depressed and just hanging around in the house, you need to start investing a lot more time and energy on YOURSELF. Improve yourself physically (weight, fitness, health, hair, clothes, etc.); improve yourself mentally (pursue interests, hobbies, sports --> NOT watching TV); improve yourself socially (go out with friends, join a new club or two, sign up for a course or a class -- get out of the house!). There are other ideas and suggestions about GAL activities that can be found on this website.

(2) Read and research your situation.

Pick up a copy of Michele's Divorce Remedy and really study it. Pick up a copy of John Gray's old classic Men are Mars and Women are from Venus, and start educating yourself on the sometimes *stark* differences between men and women and how they interract in relationships. If arguments and unresolved conflicts were a mainstay of your marriage, then pick up a copy of John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and study that. Once you have a good notion of (a) where you made mistakes in your marriage, and (b) what you can change about yourself that will make you a better partner in the future, then start applying what you have read and learned in small, easy to maintain and monitor steps.

The only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF, so that is where you begin. Let your wife do what she's going to do, for now. Take advantage of the break to improve and work on yourself, and your relationship skills.

-- Bagheera.

My wife has been talking to a friend back home frequently. She says that he is just helping her going thru this separation but I think they are beginning a relationship. They talk to each other all evening long. Please help with any advice.

Hey P....

I will give you the same advice I got...Set some boundries...Let her know if she wants to talk to him, she has to take it outside to do so...No sense in sitting there and allowing her to disrespect you...My hubby did that to and he now knows it will not happen in my house in front of me...I don't care if it is hotter then hell outside - Not in my house around me and our kids.

Try not to think too much about what she is doing over the phone, but indeed feel OK to set limits on what happens around you. Own your actions, and don't try to analyze her actions right now. Don't believe anything you hear from her and half of what she says.

You need to work on yourself, and set small goals on things you want to happen. They should be focused on things you can control.

Give space - she needs it and you do too.

Hi Paul -

I think Bagheera's suggestion to read and research is an excellent idea. I have started with Divorce Remedy. I haven't read it all yet but it has already helped me SO MUCH! I was amazed how much I learned in such a small amount of time and what a difference it makes to use the strategies suggested. If you don't want to buy it, go to your local library.