I think it throws them off their game a bit to see that you are not falling apart. They feel that they are the ones walking away and we can't make it without them. Sometimes we have told them that, so they must wonder why we are doing well.
Yes, it would be good if they could see the extent of the pain they are causing but I also think that in their honest,alone moments they feel pain. They immerse themselves in distractions so that they do not have to focus on the pain.This is why they get a new, busy, non- stop life.
Wow, I came to the right place today. I am feeling the same and I can honestly say that I had the same thoughts on my R. Not always great, but we were a GREAT couple. The envy of all around us. Maybe that is the curse as it seems to be a common thread here. I don't know... What I do know is that I agree with the demoralizing part of being left behind. I feel like he will always have one up on me because I was not good enough to fight for. I look around at people and every pretty girl I see I wonder if she could be his next R. Is that crazy or what? Like..."oh, he would probably be happier with ANYONE else but me!" And I wonder if I will ever get over H and wanting to be with him. I keep telling myself that I will never know the way he is probably hurting. It has to be worse than me, in a way because he cannot even pinpoint the reason. But heartbreak FEELS bad. I mean, it HURTS in a literal sense. I can see that it is stages of hurt. I can see that I have passed through some of the stages already, but one of the hardest parts of DBing is that pendulum. That ever swinging door. I have figured out that I am 2days up and 2days down. Today is day 2 of up for me...that means that tomorrow should be a bad one. Maybe I can ward it off by recognizing my pattern. It does give me comfort knowing that I have integrity, and loyalty figured out. I cannot imagine not having that... and that is what DBing gives us. My H also seems relieved that I am doing OK. (or so it might seem to him). I just have to continue to pray that he is really wondering if doing this is going to make him happy. When does the remorse and regret kick in? When does the "oh crap, I might really lose her and my family" kick in?? Hopefully soon cause I don't know how much more of this I can be strong for. In any case, I wish we could all meet up and have one big PITY party! It would be so much more helpful than logging off of here and still feeling alone Not to say this doesn't help...it does. I am so thankful for everyone here! Praying for us all.....
Nicoles, our WAS's will eventually realize what they have done. No telling when. I can see my W being so proud she would never admit she had made a mistake.
My counselor told me that it often comes crashing down on a WAS at some point. I had one of these days as well where I was emoting about being left behind. I didn't think it was fair that I was cast out of my WAW and her twin sister's place while they have each other for support. I have to sit hear wondering why they don't want to deal with anything right now. My W with her marriage to me and both of them for not properly dealing with the death of my BIL. Why won't they go see his headstone? Why won't their parents or brother talk to them about what happened? I feel like I have been let go because I am the strong one. My W admitted to me the day the BIL took his own life that we would have to take my SIL in and I would have to help the W be strong because she wasn't a particularly strong person. Of course, the solution is to factor one person out of the equation. That is me. I can't help but wonder when it will all come crashing down for my WAW? How does one hold off dealing with the death of a family member, consoling a grieving twin, and shunning a spouse? I am now ready to talk seriously with my W about what happened and now we are barely on speaking terms.
Drew --- me-36 WAW-32 separation - 5/22/09 WAW twin sister-32 (lives with WAW) SIL H death - 11/02/08 ILYBIANILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
I look around at people and every pretty girl I see I wonder if she could be his next R.
Aaaargh...up until only very recently I was experiencing this to the point that I felt like kicking every beautiful woman I saw in the knee caps!
It is just that feeling of being so replaceable.
GOD, I thought I was the only one!!! I have no evidence of an A, however, if we're out and some young girl gives him attention, or I see someone that I thought he might find attractive, my head just spins.
Makes me want to vomit!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
OMG, HopefulinVA, your post is right on the money! It is exactly what I am going through, too. He is out having a great time, where I am just feeling hurt and sad, but trying to have a good time. It is not easy.
Right now I just want to say to my H, "F you, F you, F you, F you, F you"! One big "F you!!!" Sorry if I offended anyone, but after reading this thread, I just want to let it all out!!
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
Thanks for all the responses...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but am thankful for your support.
Giving it - that is the same conclusion that I have come to with my H. If this ends in tragedy, I believe he will never look back. He will always see me as the problem. I think even if we have a happy ending, H may always think it was because I made changes. Nothing to do with him!
I know DBing is solutions based, but does anyone know a WAH/W that has been able to tell us what is going on in their heads during this time. It almost seems like a quasi-MLC or some sort of identity crisis. I just can't fathom how a normal, healthy person does something like this! Is it depression? I feel like there should be some sort of diagnosis...Or is this just what resentment can do to a person???? In which case, I must then rationalize that IT WAS ME. I was that terrible of a wife.
It's just that the things they say are so BIZARRE. And my H functions just fine in every other area of his life. He has said he feels "lost". His answer to everything in the beginning (1/09) was "I don't know". He can, at times, seem SO ANGRY. Yet most of the time he just appears to not care at all. I heard something interesting lately. In scripture Jesus says "Love your neighbor as yourself". You can only love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. Another way of saying it would be to add the words "You will" before the word love. Meaning you can never love anyone more than you love yourself. So if you feel like crap, you will project your crap onto others. Who would that other be? The closest person to you - your spouse.
Nicole: I keep wondering - were we just the envy of all because we got along so well? Did we just get along so well bc H always kept feelings inside? It always just SEEMED like we agreed on everything & were great friends? While meanwhile his resentment was eating him alive! Meanwhile it doesn't help that he has erased all good memories from his mind. If this was the case, not only am I being put thru all this, but I WAS ROBBED OF MY REALITY! Will I ever trust again? Will I ever be able to know what is true & what is not? Did H take that capability from me?
When you say you look around you at pretty girls & think your H will be w/them next...I do something similar, but I will look at (sorry to sound rude) fat, nasty couples at the pool & think - even people like that can find someone to love them. WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH ME????????? WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE?
Tomorrow will be better...
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
