Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC with young personal trainer

PS: a hug, is a BIG form of affection. Maybe smaller ones might be better. eg: a very small pat on the arm/shoulder/back or something. rarely.

Also... try to identify whether you are hugging for HER, or for YOURSELF. You might be hugging her, just for yourself. If so... you should probably stop.

rd,

Thanks for the positive feedback. In answer to your question--I am probably hugging for myself, but ultimately to remind her of feelings of closeness. I don't want to go all the way to living like Roommates, and not be able to get back to any intimacy.

just remember: pushing yourself on her, will drive her FURTHER away. LESS intimacy.

"trying to remind her" of stuff, can backfire majorly. you gotta stick with positive things. IF hugging is not positive for her right now.. you are hurting your relationship with her.

you probably know your wife better than anyone... so you are probably the one to judge best, whether it is really a positive for her right now, so long as you can detach yourself from, "well, *I* really want to hug her..."

Haven't posted anything recently, not really sure what to write. School's out for another year, so a little extra kid duty for my W. She tries to keep them busy at pool. I keep hearing "They're already driving me crazy".

Here's what is driving me crazy. It's the apathy. I have freely admitted that I didn't pay enough attention to my wife, that I didn't give her what she needed. I'm not dealing with venom or anger, which is good. However, I feel I get nothing now.

My wife is on the phone every night with issues with her co-workers until she just goes to bed, always with no affection( or even acknowledging my presence. Whenever she leaves, it is straight to the door and out. If I try to get close at all, it's "don't touch me".

Again I know this isn't the worst topic of discussion on these boards. I'm starting to get angry about her lack of effort into improving things. I know I "let her down", but as any DBer knows, problems are an equal action/reaction and she doesn't want to look at her actions at all.

I don't know if there is any useful advice--just needed a good rant.

welcome back!

okay, gonna give you some advice from a newbie
she doesnt want interaction with you.. so... dont push for them.
Do a 180 from what you've been doing.
Get A Life.
Beat her out the door!
DONT try to get close to her. At All.

Dont expect her to try to improve things. She isnt going to try. you're suffocating her, sounds like from her reactions.

Be strong, sexy, polite/considerate in common household things.. but otherwise unavailable to her!

Dont try to get close to her
Dont try to get close to her
Dont try to get close to her

unwanted closeness, makes her want to run away even more, remember.

If she approaches YOU.. I'd say respond postively. But otherwise, keep yourself busy, instead of moping after her.

PS: you probably would have to have a few WEEKS of "i'm not trying to trap you" behaviour, before you would see any kind of relaxing in her part, i'd guess.

Thought I would let everyone know that my wife has changed her trainer. They had a blow-up one evening last week. She walked out in midst of a session, because he kept helping others in gym. She felt that she wasn't getting "personal training" if he kept leaving her alone. He wouldn't apologize to her so she switched as of Saturday.

I guess if you give a 24yo M long enough, he will act like a 24yo. She is upset by it--says it feels like a breakup. I agreed that she is acting like she has broken up with someone.

Overall to me is a great thing! It doesn't fix the marriage, but it certainly takes out a major stumbling block. Family vacation is in 2 weeks. We look forward to that.

Later,
Scout

Have been continuing to watch my W act as though she has broken up with a boyfriend. She is sulking around, can't sleep and is anxious all the time. I have been trying to comfort her, but she still won''t let me touch/hug her. It hurts me to not be able to help. The initial happiness of the EA ending is gone, now trying to work through the fallout.

Everyone have a good Fourth.

Back to post for the first time in a couple weeks. Just back Saturday from 2wk family vacation.

Let me back up--as we were about to leave, my W had a fight/blowup with her EA 24yo personal trainer (never became PA). She was an emotional wreck before leaving--very anxious, not sleeping--had to get a sedative from my partner on July 4 to calm down.

Things have been up/down since then. Strangely, the night before we left she tells me, "I want you to know that a couple months ago, my friends got me a vibrator. I've used it a few times and it really works, but I know I should be having sex with my husband instead of using it." Now I would have given anything for a hug and kiss for months suddenly she's saying this. She packed it for the trip and asked if I was taking anything (we use condoms as BC). I had obviously not expected a need, but this raised my hopes.

The first week we went to DisneyWorld--stressful anytime, but probably more so in this circumstance. It was mostly good, but had one big fight on 5th day there--she said (while in line), "I can't live like this anymore. You've controlled me for the past 13 years". I replied, "Does this mean you want to see a lawyer when we get home?" The rest of day was good and talked that night. She did not want to see a lawyer, but just wanted stress to go away.

Last week was spent at the beach with her family (always sure to produce stress). She had told them about EA prior to leaving--her father told her "I would have told you to hit the street". Her mother was slightly more tactful, but also negative. Week seemed to go really well except I had my hopes of physical contact raised too high. Nothing happened except hearing that I felt that physical contact was too important and she said "Trainer and I got much closer without any touching". I told her that was a cruel thing to say. Ultimately it still was enjoyable, but not all that was hoped for.

I know she used her "toy" at least two times on trip--make a comment about it the second time and about got my head bit off. I will definitely keep mouth shut about it from now on.

She wants me to join the gym now. She hasn't wanted me there before. I know mostly it is to repair her reputation (lot of gossip in small town--so if I go there, it takes heat off her.)

Piecing is definitely harder than I thought it would be. I don't think we are "there" yet by any stretch, but hopefully are on our way.

I'll keep posting--I think I may change to Piecing though.

I posted this on PIECING earlier in week, but thought I would put over here for anyone who may have known story here.


I feel like what I'm about to write is like The old TV show Dallas when supposedly dead Bobby appeared in the shower and told his W--"it was all a dream".

You see my wife hasn't come home the last 2 nights and probably can't for another 4 or 5. Yes I wrote CAN'T.

I have been writing about how she was "mourning" the loss of EA. Well, things deteriorated. She got very paranoid that "people" were trying to keep them apart, that "people" were now spreading rumors. At first I just thought she was feeling guilty (and that may stil be true).

However, over the weekend, she became very paranoid. Sunday night, she didn't sleep at all. She was very agitated. Doctor got her a sleeping pill for Monday night--she slept a couple hours, then was bad again. I told her about 4am, we need an emergency psych eval. She said, "I can't wait until morning. Let's go now." Got someone to sit at home with kids (woke d10 who had picked up on erratic behavior to tell we were taking Mommy to the Hospital) and headed to ER.

W now is inpatient in a LOCKED PSYCH unit. They have diagnosed her as a Paranoid Psycosis and likely Manic phase of Bipolar Disorder. She had some postpartum depression after D5, but never any mental illness before.

I decided to let EA trainer know what was going on yesterday. We spent about 15min on phone. He says he never had feelings for her, other than friendship. She had just grown so attached to him, he didn't think he was effective as her trainer anymore. So when she blew up at him, he thought it best to just slip away.

Makes me wonder if all EA and MLC was "delusions of grandeur" common in Bipolar that I missed all along. Of course, I was busy trying to figure out how to save my M from EA.

Not much else to say right now--obviously I'm not running away. It will take some time to figure out where to go next.

Thanks for listening!

Scout