H threw a bomb out today. Told S and I that he is or did apply for a job in TN. Said he is stuck where he is and this would be a great move for him professionally. He would still be in the military, just stationed in TN. S asked "What about us? Are you going to move without us?" H said that is still all up in the air. I finished what I was doing and left to get in the shower. H yelled to me "did you hear me?" I said nothing and he followed me into our bedroom and asked me again. I said yes. H asked "Don't you have anything to say?" I said "It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your career." (talk about a 180 - I was flipping out inside!) H laughed and said "that's it?" I said no more.
Originally Posted By: Ashlee
told him that all big decisions must be discussed first, before informing S. He agreed, stating he did not "do it on purpose." H said he thought about it after he said it and realized he should not have said it.
In reference to the above - H applying for the job in TN - H sends me a text this morning which says "i guess i won't apply for knoxville." What am I suppose to do with that? Nothing?
Sometimes I think I see a hint of him coming around then the turnaround and the 'monster' appears. As minuscule as this sounds, he leaves for work this morning (works 24 hour shifts) and doesn't say bye to me - 2nd time he's done it. I'm just lying there thinking WTF?
Friday night, I cleaned the house. He comes home Sat morning and seems appreciative (he always cleans when he gets home, this time he did not have to). I go to get a shower yesterday,and he has a scrub pad and cleaner sitting on the bathtub. I removed it and went on about my business. This morning, once again he left the cleaner and pad on the bathtub and left the shower curtain open. Now am I overreacting or am I now being treated like a freaking maid?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I wouldn't respond to the text, at all. As for the cleaning stuff, just leave it where it is. If he keeps doing it, say something to him like "You're such a baby. If you feel something needs cleaning, all you have to do is mention it to me, or -- God forbid -- clean it yourself. I'm happy to do it when I have time, but leaving little hints like that is VERY unattractive."
Men hate it when you say we're "unattractive." It's a powerful word to have in your toolbelt. Another good one is "quit being a whiny little b*tch." We hate that too!
Gardener- Thanks for checking in...I'm doing alright. Happy Father's day to you. Did you make it through your W's b-day ok?
S and I went to a restaurant to eat and I sat there watching all these families - interacting and looking happy. All I could think was why can't my family be like that? Why do I have a MLC H? I know, no use in focusing on the whys. Except for you guys and my sister, I know no one who has tried to weather a MLC with their spouse. 3 divorces in my office within the past 2 years (out of 11 total people in my office). Each one involved a PA. 2 in my office were the cheaters and 1 was cheated on. 2 were MLCs, the other one I don't know the sitch well enough to say. I don't really know what my point is...maybe that I wish I had someone around me who really understood what it is I am dealing with. I know I have you guys and my sister, but no one who lives near me, no one to hang with or chat with, you know what I mean?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Ashlee, W's b'day was fine. Just a bit of a twinge of...loss when I woke up. No b'day song to sing.
Re: the prevalence of divorces at your job - everywhere -I believe most of that is because it's easy. The easy way out...and mostly selfish. What you and I have decided to do, what we've just begun to work is the exact opposite: it is hard, very hard. And selfless (okay, maybe a bit selfish, but the good kind).
I lm for W yesterday morning. She called back 8 hrs later. I didn't answer. See my latest post on all that.
Originally Posted By: Ashlee
I wish I had someone around me who really understood what it is I am dealing with. I know I have you guys and my sister, but no one who lives near me, no one to hang with or chat with, you know what I mean?
Boy, do I hear you on that. But, y'know, before DB, I confided in 2 or 3 and then I said F this. I was getting bad advice, I don't want to give just my side, I don't want anyone's opinion of W tainted as she's a truly good person...and I was pity-party-whining. Pity party's okay, it's kinda cleansing but I figured after one or two healthy ones, continuing them was just cementing my role as victim. So now I talk about anything but. Period. When friends say "So...how're you doing?" I give one of two answers: 1) "Better and better." (true) or 2) "Better and better." (lie) This is the place I dump it and spew it and get my strength. I got you guys, you got me. And we're all experts and we all know exactly what each other's going through.
Today, after conversation w/W, I crashed, bummed out for a good 2 hours. Then I thought, why am I giving her and the sitch that much power right now? Some days, between DB, GAL, 180, PMA, don't initiate, end interactions bfore she does, etc., etc., etc., I feel like a juggler and when I drop one of the balls, I invariably say, "S&%t, bend down to pick it back up and then the other 8 come crashing down, too. So today I figured, I don't really have the whole PMA thing down yet, let me put these other 8 balls back on the shelf and just keep PMA with me until I have that one down (index card in my pocket that says "PMA"), then I'll pick up the next one - and only that one - until that one's (semi) mastered. If I'm expecting to see/talk to W, I'll go over to the shelf and start brushing up on those other balls* as well as the wonderful stuff I read here so I'm "db-ready" for exchange w/wife. Gotta do the same thing w/all the books I'm simultaneously reading right now. Just gonna stick w/DR book and tap into the others as the need/situation warrants. We gotta take care of ourselves first and I'm starting to exhaust myself. Whew!!! Thanks for listening. * Hey, I guess db'ing takes a lot of balls
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I just received the following text from H: "wow..I think you hit a new low...not even a happy fathers day wish"
I don't know why but it's really getting to me. I helped S pick out a card and gave son $ to buy 2 gift cards, which were all given to H yesterday (b/c he is working today). S and I even took him out to dinner last night. Now this. No, this 'person' who looks like my H is NOT the man I married.
Great, now I just snapped at S and who I'm really pissed at is H. Going to try to make amends with S...
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
