Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie - first post and ?s

Thanks Gardener - needless to say you, Giving, Serenity and Puppy are my saving graces, thus "my guys".

H threw a bomb out today. Told S and I that he is or did apply for a job in TN. Said he is stuck where he is and this would be a great move for him professionally. He would still be in the military, just stationed in TN. S asked "What about us? Are you going to move without us?" H said that is still all up in the air. I finished what I was doing and left to get in the shower. H yelled to me "did you hear me?" I said nothing and he followed me into our bedroom and asked me again. I said yes. H asked "Don't you have anything to say?" I said "It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your career." (talk about a 180 - I was flipping out inside!) H laughed and said "that's it?" I said no more.

Oh, and on the midlife crisis/computer thing. After eating lunch, I asked H if there was anything left and he responded "yes, I'm not eating that much. I have to watch my figure, all I care about is what I look like." That comes from the first midlife crisis site he looked at. I just love the mature, mocking behavior - it's a real winner! (yes, I am dripping with sarcasm)

Told H S is going to stay with grandparents on Friday. H asked if I was taking him. I said yes, I would be back on Sunday. Told H the dogs would be taken care of, as a friend of mine will be coming to watch them. H asked when he worked, I said Sat. H said he might take the day off because he does not want my friend in our house. I did not tell H that I am not staying with my parents for the weekend or that I'm picking up a friend in VA who will ride with me then I am going back to her place til Sun. Until he asks I am not giving up any more info. I am right on this one, aren't I?

BTW - I am very calm right now. I have been in a much more 'peaceful' place since finding this website. I am, however, a little scared by it. It's like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When he asks, do not give any more info.

Re: job move/TN: Man, were you being baited! To the point that when you didn't bite he tried two more times, once following you around to do it. Good job. He tried to get a rise out of you and you didn't hand over that power to him.

IMHO

And when/if it does drop, there'll be two on the floor.

You'll be able to handle it. Don't handle it, imagine it (borrow trouble), unless and until it does drop.

I agree with Gardener...Mine does the same crap..I won't rise to the bait and he will follow me around the house or seek me out to repeat what he stated...You need to learn to say the following: (I just learned myself)

"I am sorry you feel that way"

That is how I try to start any answer I give hubby now...After bailing on us for 10 days so he could get his dipstick checked, I had a lot of time to read and that is how you validate what he is saying without being drawn into the game.

Ash

Great job not letting him get you into an argument. Handled perfectly.

Gardener is right. If and when other shoe drops, you can deal with it then. You can't control his actions. So don't worry about things you can't control. If you can let that go, you will find even more peace.

You are doing great. Hang in there.

Thanks so much guys. I thought I handled it correctly but it's always nice to hear it from others...also reinforces that I am on the right path.

Let me get this straight:

He told your mutual 14 year old son that he is moving, without talking to you, first???

If I have that right, it's not only unconscionable; it's abusive, and you need to set a hard boundary NOW: no announcing decisions that affect the child(ren) before discussing it with each other first!

Puppy

Ashlee,

Great job keeping your cool with your husband. Our spouses will try to get our attention in any way. Dragging you into an argument or breaking news is an attention-getter. You did great by not falling for it. My W does the same with me as well off and on over the phone. But I learned to not react to any attention-getter. It took me a few months to get it right, but I think I am doing better now. And you did great!

Hang in there,

JR09

PDT -

Took your advice and told him that all big decisions must be discussed first, before informing S. He agreed, stating he did not "do it on purpose." H said he thought about it after he said it and realized he should not have said it.

My next obstacle will be the OW. S said H was outside talking on the phone to someone tonight, most likely OW. H got some texts earlier in the day and tried to act 'sneaky' - like he wanted me to ask or try to look at his phone, but I did not. I already have the proof I need that OW exists (i.e. phone records) and if it manifests to a PA, I will have to take steps to obtain proof at that point. My reasoning for the proof is in case we do D, I will pull out all stops if necessary.

H is bugging me to ML (not those words, though). I am still on the fence on this one. There is no way he has been physical with OW because she lives 1500 miles away. On one hand, I feel like it might help us stay together because it reminds him of how good it can be but on the other hand, I DO NOT want to be a doormat. Haven't found any advice in the book yet on this but I'm not finished reading yet either.

Ashlee ~

Sorry for the reason you are here, but this is where you'll get a lot of comfort.

I have only read the first page of your thread so far, I will read the rest before I go to bed. BUT, I wanted to let you know that I also am continuing to live in my house. H even filed for D six months ago. He's still here also. It's so hard, but this is my house too. Especially times like right now when I sit here and know he's probably with OW. I think about him out there having the time of his life leaving me behind. But, I think of it this way. I would rather be me here with a broken heart, than him out there commiting adultry. We know who he has to answer to.

Hang in there, take one day at a time. You'll gather your strength along the way.

MJ