Why do you say do not communicate this deadline to him? In a previous conversation with him a few weeks ago I told him I'd want to re-evaluate everything at the end of the year and make decisions in January. Was that the wrong thing to do?
Because, in my experience, if you give someone who is wayward a deadline, then they will continue to waffle and/or cake-eat right up until the day before your deadline, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars not to leave them!
They should be told only "my patience isn't without limits" or "I won't wait forever," or something similar.
Well hopefully he won't remember that. He doesn't listen well all the time. I'm not so sure he's not trying to figure out his own escape. He keeps lamenting about the fact that there's no money for him to move out. That he thinks space is good it gives people time to figure things out for themself.
So am I on target otherwise do you think? I think if I show consistent behavior changes and new confident me that has to say volumes to him. Granted I know with his MLC mind - the marriage has never been any good, I'm the problem, etc. I have to face the fact that he's probably not extremely mentally stable at this point. I'll need to roll with the punches.
After reading my last several posts - anything else you recommend I do differently or start doing that I'm not doing?
Well hopefully he won't remember that. He doesn't listen well all the time. I'm not so sure he's not trying to figure out his own escape. He keeps lamenting about the fact that there's no money for him to move out. That he thinks space is good it gives people time to figure things out for themself.
So am I on target otherwise do you think? I think if I show consistent behavior changes and new confident me that has to say volumes to him. Granted I know with his MLC mind - the marriage has never been any good, I'm the problem, etc. I have to face the fact that he's probably not extremely mentally stable at this point. I'll need to roll with the punches.
After reading my last several posts - anything else you recommend I do differently or start doing that I'm not doing?
At this point I'm moving on. If he wants to be with me great, if not I'll be just fine. He still wants to ML so I'm not buying that there's no connection at all between us.
By the way the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry CLoud & Dr. John Townsend is excellent! I've only read the first three chapters and I've already learned a great deal - especially about myself. I highly recommend it. You should know that it is written from a Christian perspective.
I'm sure at some point with my own growth & development I may come to the conclusion that the marriage can't be saved. I'm not there yet. I can only control my own behavior and that's what I'm going to focus on. I let him know I'm expect to see changes in him as well. We'll see what happens...
I couldn't do the ML thing, but that's a personal decision and up to you. If it makes you feel good, then go for it. Just be careful. But everything else -- yeah, you sound like you're in a good emotional place.
I think I finally am. I still cry once in awhile but for the most part I'm feeling strong. I've been chatting with a friend from High school and she and I talked tonight. It was great to catch up with her. We're going to keep in touch and get together next month. It's been fun reconnecting with high school friends. My H asked me who I was on the phone with so I told him.
I've been hanging out in the office tonight doing my own thing.
I will go to our scheduled counseling appt on Thursday. I still plan on going for my own sanity and help with dealing with everything. I think I really blew it last week when I got upset and drove out to his work to talk to him but I can't take that back. It is what it is.
The ML thing makes me feel connected to him and I enjoy it so for now I'll still participate. If he decides he doesn't want to work on things then I'll be done with that.
Thanks. I just needed someone to tell me I'm finally on the right track!
I think I finally am. I still cry once in awhile but for the most part I'm feeling strong. I've been chatting with a friend from High school and she and I talked tonight. It was great to catch up with her. We're going to keep in touch and get together next month. It's been fun reconnecting with high school friends. My H asked me who I was on the phone with so I told him.
MISSED OPPORTUNITY!! Next time, just say "a friend." Try to be more mysterious in all of your doings.
OK on the ML thing, but I hope you are using protection. Hate to bring that up, but it's a real concern here, and the board has some threads on others who went thru this hell.
Something I'm trying to work on none to successfully is not analyzing everything he says and digging for more information. Example - I just talked to him about our plans to take our son and his friend to the lake this weekend. I'm taking a half day of vacation and I wanted to know if he'd be able to leave early. He said I don't know we'll have to talk to L (our son). So immediately I say are you still going to go this weekend? In which he says can we just talk about this at home tonight? I press a little more and he says here we go again. I said I'm sorry I'll talk to you about it tonight at home. UHH!!!!!
I think now that I won't even bring it up tonight? If he goes great if not I'll deal with it myself.
Also I have some things I'd like to say. I feel like everything is on his terms right now. Would it be OK for me to say the following:
- I thought it was good the other not when you brought up a couple of things that were on your mind (the purchase I made for example). And I want to keep commuication open but sometimes I feel like it's only OK to communicate with you when you want to.
- I cannot change overnight nor do I expect you to. We need to cut each other some slack while we're growing and changing.
- I'm trying to work on not over-analyzing everything. I need you to not make assumptions about something I say or behavior you observe. Please keep talking to me - if something is coming across a certain way to you then I need to know. And I want to be comfortable doing the same thing.
I feel like I'm under a microscope and my every action and every word out of mouth is constantly being scrutinized. But I guess he feels that way too.
I wouldn't suggest getting into all that right now. It's "R-talk," and Da Book says we're not supposed to do it, and I tend to agree.
At a MINIMUM, he's foggy and wayward right now, and "you can't teach a wayward." The best you can hope for is to land little "truth darts" every now and again.
What do you mean by landing little truth darts now and then? Any tips for the over-analyzing problem? Well we tried relationship talk in counseling and he's dropped out. We're about 8 to 10 weeks into this. When is it appropriate to talk about R? Only if he brings it up?
