Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GETTING UN'STUCK'

Based on?

What? Stuck doesn't "think" she still is?

How about that she found her "soul mate?"
How about that she fantasizes about the OM while having sex with Stuck?
How about that she is acting and behaving STILL like the typical wayward?

Those things don't count?

Stuck really needs to wake up here. It is time. Looks like some others are only enabling this process. Sad.

Well, we've got a lot in common cuz I'm lost.

I'll have to go back...I didn't even think the perfectly fine came from you, whateva.

Moi, angry???

It is sad to watch people toss out marriages, repackage themselves and just do it all over again. It has impacted the lives of people I care deeply about. And, it is the easiest trap to fall into.

We're married, kids, there's a lot at stake.

As the LBS (barf), I lost a bunch of weight and doin' the GAL and all that BUT, there is no way in bloody hell that I will just go out there and attach myself to another guy...the shallow stuff HELPS but it is not the real work.

Again. This is why you are "STUCK"...

It isn't about "debate"..

It is about doing what works. What you are doing is really not working. It isn't going to work. You can take her to dinner, rub her feet, wash her hands, do the laundry, give her comliments and be her friend for another three years.

What will work is letting go and letting her see and feel that you have given up on trying (alive calls it "working")

Your working is NOT working. Two and one half years should be more than enough. I could be wrong though. Maybe another year or so and enough work can turn this around. Be her friend.

Okay, if I may interject (this is my thread after all), the thing about "work" in a M.

I agree with aak in that it all marriages are a work in progress. Some couples are able to roll with the punches easier than others. As conflicts or life changes (such as the birth of a child) come up, you put in the work to keep the M thriving. The lucky R are the ones where the couple sees the changes and independently adjust their roles as the transition calls for. But no matter how you look at it, it is work. Work defined as an effort.

Most M's aren't so lucky. We need something to wake us up to show us when something is or isn't working. And according to all the research the majority of M have one spouse that is doing the heavy lifting to keep the M happy. Of course the ideal is for both partners to be sharing the load, but realistically it just doesn't happen for most of us.

We forget to see our spouse as someone we dated and loved. Even our perception of love changes as the years go on.

Just a short commercial break. Carry on.

I am not working on my M at this point. It is dead as far as I'm concerned. I'm working on me.

However, every long term marriage I've seen that lasts, requires work (do we need to break that down too???)

Especially, with all of the dysfunctional, co-dependent cases we have on this site...it takes work to change, and to create new dynamics whether alone or in 1st, 2nd or 3rd marriages.

It is not bad to work...to be mindful, to grow.

Man, you inspire me and then I gotta say WTF?

Yeah, but the mods need to get us a new "munching popcorn" smiley emoticon!!

Right now I'm just taking the "debate" that's going on here with interest. I'm just looking at it as an outsider right now. There's no right or wrong answer. Just differences of opinion.

You can't imagine what it's like to be a woman no matter how hard you try any more than it's impossible for a woman to totally understand what it's like to be a man.

Both of you are making valid points based on what you've done and experienced in each of your separate sitches. What I'm going to learn from it, I'm not sure yet. I'm just waiting for the dust to settle. Not taking sides or anything, I just see it as a man and woman and how they talk to each other.

Alive. YOU didn't toss out the marriage. HE DID.

What would a spouse have to do before YOU would say enough?

Married to a pedophile?
Incest?
Rape?
Murder?
Physical abuse?
Verbal abuse?

Would you still do the "work?"

Not me. I am a good person. (not perfect, but good and perfectly fine the way I am)

I won't share my wife with another man. I will let her go if she doesn't want to be with me. I WILL find someone else. (and dating quickly because there IS NOTHING wrong with me now) I will be happy. There is NOTHING wrong with me NOW. My wife finding another man doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me THEN. It doesn't mean if I find someone else that will and can be exclusive that I am running and not willing to do the work.

I believe it is just another excuse to say that you can't let go.

Mr. Stuck's "work" (can we pick a different word, jeez), is to focus on himself and what the heck he needs to do to feel ok in his skin. Read what I've written him, we are saying the same thing in different ways.

But, you are batsh*t crazy if you think a person can up and leave and make huge life-altering decisions because YOU told them they would gain self-esteem from doing it.

There are many ways to skin a cat.

And Stuck, for starters, what do you need to spend some time on (not work )? What's up with you?

Why don't you do the 24 hours of no posting about W and see how that goes for you? Just about you.

PDT,

You're so right. We'll need the jumbo sodas too.

It's like watching our own version of Springer. We'll have to duck when they start throwing chairs.