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Sometimes it does. Sometimes not. Sometimes doing what you want when you want to do it has nothing to do with confidence. Sometimes it is selfishness. I know a lot of people who are viewed as selfish that do what they want to do when they want to do it. It certainly doesn't come across to me as confidence just because they are doing what they want to do when they want to do it.

Sometimes confident people DON'T do what they want to do because they are being thoughtful of what someone else in the relationship wants.(ie, spouse, children, in laws, etc.)

The husband wants to watch football on Sunday, but goes out with his wife and lets her shop for clothes, while he happily stays in the backround......

Confident people do NOT do what they want when they want all the time. Sometimes they DON'T do what they want. The key is that when they do something that they really would prefer not to do, is that they do it with happiness and a willing heart....

For what it is worth, I agree. As I so eloquently articulated on another thread-

"the one" is the one who you choose to be "the one" and who chooses to be "the one" back and I think that's the whole unromantic kit and kaboodle.

Well it has been an animated morning with everyone's replies.

gucci, robx, aliveandkicking,

Although the posts have been different in terms of degrees, it all comes down to one thing. Emotional detachment. Through emotional detachment I'll get:

1) my mojo back
2) my confidence back
3) my value back
4) my life back

And whether or not she wants to be a part of that life, then its her decision.

So it goes back to me being a friend to her. She already know perfectly well that I want the M however, she also knows that while I would like our M, I don't NEED her. I've already told her as much. I had told her that I am perfectly fine raising the kids on my own and finding someone who values me. I just hadn't brought it up in awhile. That and the fact that I told her if she wasn't happy, she should leave. Although from gucci's POV, I should just tell her to leave which I can't because of our kids. I couldn't do that to them. I'm not worried about me.

Heck when we were separated, I went out, had fun and when the kids were with me, I was the best damn parent around. I guess I'm doing what robx was doing. Now we can sit at the dinner table alone and talk. I don't let the convo get too deep, just keep it light and play it by ear.

Everyone's approach has to be different because all WASs are different. What works for one person may not work for another. Look at 25yearsmlc who waited years before her H came back. Is she a weak person for doing so, not at all. She just did what she had to do.

When I found out my W was first having her A, I promptly kicked her out and told her she'd never see the kids again. I didn't want her back. But as I looked at the wider scheme of things, I figured that it was worth a shot for my kids. And that's where it's gotten me to this point.

I am going to continue to work on myself. Heck even last night, my W said I could go the gym while she watched the kids. I just had to pick up dinner for them on the way home. That's something she wouldn't have done 3 months ago. She actually saw something that was important to me and told me to do it.

How does one interpret that? Reward the behavior or punish? Or is there the middle ground which I've been walking?

Interesting.... It seems to me that the context of the subject was pointing to the fact that your opinion was in loving more than just one person "at a time"...

NO? Or have we now changed the context.

I hope you don't do this when you discuss things with your wife.

Well it's usually one person at at time which is why when we come across a time when you are interested in someone else while in a R, you make the choice. Although sometimes people don't want to make the "choice" and go out with more than one person at the same time.

It happens all the time especially when you're dating ... at least nowadays it seems. You could be going out with more than one person because you love a different aspect of each. It's not necessarily morally or ethically correct, but it is what it is and it happens. We all know or have friends that have done it.

It doesn't have to be through emotional detachment. This is what is tripping you up....

DISCIPLINE. It comes through discipline..
Discipline yourself DESPITE your emotions. As a man, this should be something that you can logically understand... Keep your emotions out of it. Discipline yourself to do and say and act detached. Forget out the emotional detachment "before" you get confident, let go and whatever else you say you will have after detachment. Just do it as a discipline.





Nope... Then it will be YOUR DECISION....

Get it?

This is the basic problem I have with the "be their best friend" approach (other than the small detail of "It rarely works"):

You can TELL them, a lot of things. But what you are showing them by the friendly behavior is that "He seems okay with this. This is going to be fine. HE's going to be fine. This will all work out how I want it to."

We all teach each other on here to "Believe none of what they tell you, and only half of what they do." If we think WASs aren't doing the exact same thing, we're deluding ourselves.

Puppy

Not sure it is just about low self-esteem; it is a flippin' marriage!!! However, let's say it is a self-esteem issue. Building self-esteem takes time and work. In a perfectly implemented DB paradigm, a spouse would be able to do the work, build self-esteem while tolerating the other spouse.

Leaving and getting all fancied up, getting attention from the ladies, being super busy (my H) does NOT build real self-esteem. Guarantee, doesn't matter how many success stories you show me. You have to do the work. And, it is so much deeper. That is why I keep asking Stuck (no answer yet)-How are you stuck? What do you need to work on (unrelated to W)?...and guess what? When he gets on that, he will probably have the confidence and the where-with-all to lay it on the line with W and she'll have to sh*t or get off the pot.

So, it takes some people years to "get it"...leaving doesn't fix it either.

The arrogant one who becomes completely self-obsessed, I'm perfect the way I am, guess what he'll attract? Another insecure, needy woman (perhaps disguised as a super-model)...shallow nonsense this decided confidence is...

You start by faking it till you make it but no matter where you are physically, Do the flippin work no matter how long it takes.

That right there is why she needs a drink to have sex with you. Get it?

Now you have switched from LOVING two people, to going out with more than one person or dating more than one person.

We may be onto something here. I would suspect the way you discuss this topic with your wife leaves her confused as much as it is confusing me.....


I believe your wife means this...

She can't be "IN LOVE" with two people at the same time.

I agree with her. I can't either.

If you can, then why don't you go find another woman to be in love with and quit trying to win your wife's love?