Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

Orich,
I'm sorry to see what you're going through - and I know it's impossibly painful.

Something that jumped out at me in your post is that she had told you what she wouldn't do....I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I've found from my own experience and also on this board that WAS tend to show their cards in language like that...Not so say that your W is having a PA....but the language certainly sounds like that of an EA. I heard the same words from my STBX - the same script...I know it's hard to face this...but one thing I can say is that no matter what she's doing you'll have to do the same things for yourself - namely - work on improving yourself and exploring/understanding what kind of unfinished business brought you into your marriage.

It's painful stuff - hell, it's excruciating - but I know for certain that you can come through this with a much healthier sense of yourself - and if your marriage reconciles in the end, it will happen with you as a stronger person as well...and if it doesn't, you'll have done the work to be a better man. I find that most of the men who come to this site are good, decent men who want to work at improving themselves - and from what I've read of your posts, I see the same in you.

-Carlos.

OK, I get it, she might be having an EA. I still doubt it for a couple of reasons, but I admit it is a possibility.
apart from that, this is what confuses me, but kinda gives me hope: Our everyday interactions are barely different than before. We joke together, tell stories of our days to each other, etc. If she was just sticking around for the kids, why would she still get along well with me when they aren't around, or in bed sleeping at night? We had my family over on Saturday for father's day, and she cooked and cleaned, and put together a great day for my family. On Sunday, we went to her sister's house for fathers day with her family. She made sure I ate while she chased after the kids, looked into my eyes while talking to me with other people and even confirmed a camping trip for next month.
She now tells me she in fact will see a psychotherapist starting today. I'm not sure exactly what she wants to get out of it, whether or not it is for our marriage or just for her. Hopefully it is the former.
Am I missing something here? Does she really have feelings for me, just blocked by unresolved grief and other stress? Or is she actually basically cold in that she can truly feel nothing for me at all other than a good friend, I guess?
If there is the tiniest of possibilities that she can turn around and love me again, and we can be a normal family again, I can wait until the end of time. If there is no possibility, as painful as it would be, I would like to just move on and hope there is a possibility of finding someone else to share my life with. I really really hope it doesn't come to that.

Orich,

You have time on your side. look at all the small things you listed in the post you just made. I counted at least 8 positive things you noticed your W doing in a matter of only a couple days. why are you losing hope so fast?

Thank your W for things she's been doing. let her know you appreciate and value her. she doesn't know if you don't tell her. also, work on you through all of this. be the man you need to be and the one she wants you to be.

you have NO REASON to think about giving up at this point imo. even if you are labeled as a "friend" right now, become her best friend. This doesn't happen overnight, but start becoming more interested in the things that interest her. not in a codependent way, but in a VERY friendly way.

You have to drop this kind of thinking. You can't 'fix' it. The best sentence here is the last one - focus on you and 'fixing' you and not the M. I learned this the hard way. Fix yourself and if the M gets 'fixed' then that is great.

Both parties have to work on themselves in order for the M to get better. Take care of your half - you have no control over hers.

Here you are trying to feel some semblance of control. You 'think' if she does A then B will happen. You have no idea which one of these two intentions will lead her to a direction you want. Sometimes something that appears to be bad is actually good and vice versa. You are trying to predict the future and focusing on what she is doing.

I know it's hard not to. Keep working on focusing on you. When you catch yourself focusing on her thinking/actions/feelings laugh at yourself and tell yourself you are just writing a story in your head.

I hope it's the latter(spelling?). My H went with me to the C for a few weeks and what it all came down to was, that unless he sets HIS priorities straight, knows what he wants and what he needs, and is willing to do what it takes, we cant be together. We are in "pseudo-reconcile" mode for 8 months with very little progress, we are actually heading to the divorce, I think.

I have never posted to you before but I do try to keep up with people that "reconcile", I think it can be the hardest part of all.
I agree with everybody posted to you regarding a possible EA. I think she is in the middle of it.
I know you are discouraged and upset and sad. Take a step back. Dont ASSUME anything. Let things evolve. Stay strong.
K

Thanks for the responses.
Let me ask one more thing, then.
Should I confront her and lay out what I feel we need in order for us to work out the marriage, including addressing the possible EA or whether or not she is even interested in saving the marriage? Or should I wait and see what happens with her. I am already taking steps to work on me. I have done a complete 180 and kept it that way for many months in the area of household chores, which was an issue for her, I have joined a gym and have gone on nights when she wanted to go out with her friends, I don't call her at work as much as I used to, and I am also making decisions for the family that she used to.
Believe me, I am trying to do the right thing by working on myself. It is hard. I have many other stresses coming at me at the same time, unfortunately. But I am working through them. I used to use my relationship with my wife to endure the other stresses I have faced.
I am staying strong, though, I have not given in to anything yet.

Welcome to the sad paradox of male-female relationships, Orich, but as long as THAT is the vibe you put off (or maybe you've actually even spoken it to her), she will actually move AWAY from you.

However, if you move away from HER -- and do it the right (read, "DB") way -- I think you will see her move TOWARD you.

Personally, I would suggest the Last Resort Technique.

Puppy

Does she use the computer at home? If so check to see what she is doing? Key logger. etc. Might answer your questions. Sux tht u have to do this but it will help u figure out your strategy.

PMA

OK, I admit I have not read the DB books. What is the Last Resort Technique?
I have checked the computer, it was inconclusive. I would like to check her phone for text messages, but she always has it on her. I hate to think it has come to this.