Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie - first post and ?s

Ashlee, good to hear from you.

What I have gathered is that as long as you want to try to save the M (why else would you be here, right), you do not want to do something that makes it easier for them to leave. I do not think you did anything wrong. What you did is not pursuing (although in the future, you should probably have said you were going to keep the car and left it at that - he knows your position re saving the M and trying, no need to repeat that).

The point of not pursuing is that that behavior is not attractive. Your actions and words need to convey that you are calm, confident and are not pushing him in any way. Now, that does not become a doormat. But, what you are trying to communicate to him is that you realize you cannot control him or make him stay. And you cant. The book goes into much more detail on this (Acting "As If"). What you are going to try to do with your actions - not words - is to become a wife that only a fool would leave. In the process you will become a better person.

Keep plowing through the book. Which one are you reading - Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? Both are good.

If it's an emergency, text him back immediately.
If it's about the kids, and it's NOT an emergency, text him back within an hour.
If it's not an emergency, and not about the kids, and he's simply button-pushing, then don't respond at all.

In this case, you shouldn't have responded at all, in my opinion.

Puppy

Ashlee, I will defer to PDT - he has WAY more knowledge than me on this.

VERY well said, GIMA!!!

Puppy

Thanks PDT. I hope I am learning something.

I am reading Divorce Remedy. Thank you both for the great advice.

I guess my eagerness to reply so fast when he texts gives him the impression that I am always here, no matter what, even if he treats me like dirt. So, so much to learn.

Yep. What I gathered from here and the books is that we have to lovingly detach. That does not mean give up on the M, just make yourself unavilable at times. Could be running out for a coffee, movie, whatever. They need to wonder about where we are going.

I am going to a movie tonight with a friend for that very reason. Haven't told W yet.

Ashlee, always make it (your delay in responding) about being "busy." Say things like "Sorry, have been on the run and just now saw this..." or "Sorry, I've been busy and didn't get a chance to get back to you until now"" -- stuff like that.

The idea is to come across as BUSY and somewhat MYSTERIOUS -- not to come across as a petulant a-hole who's simply not responding as some sort of tit-for-tat.

Puppy, who's hoping that the new profanity filters don't bleep out "tit"

Good luck!

I plan (in 2 weeks) on going to see a friend for a weekend in VA after taking S to grandparents house. H doesn't know. The only reason to tell beforehand is cause of 2 dogs and H works 24 shifts. I'm afraid to tell H too far ahead of time cause H might try to find a way to meet with OW...who lives far away. But I can't control that,right? However, that possibly scares me to death.

Thanks for clarifying, I wasn't thinking in those terms. Excellent ideas...