So far she told me about the EA..and that she was confused...and everything so far in our marriage has been honest accept her feelings I guess, but I am less trusting lately, checking on emails, phone calls etc. She is going to be quitting a job that gave her a cell phone, so if she is calling someone on either our vonage phone or our cell phone I have access to the call via online checking...
But I have to honest I hate the spying thing makes me tired and worrysome.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
If you don't have the stomach for the snooping, don't do it. I'm just always questioning people that blindly say "I trust him/her," and the spouse has a history of lying, deceit and infidelity. Just challenging you to keep your eyes open, that's all.
BBM, I agree with Puppy (he know WAY more than me about DB'ing). I, too, looked a little, and did not find anything. If you cannot handle what you may find, do yourself a favor, and don't look. If you truly suspect something is up, it is up to you to decide whether you can handle what you may find. If something is going on, you will need to know it IMHO. It may hurt to find out, but if there is someone else, that has to stop (or at least be acknowledged) before any of the DB'ing will work.
Thanks, but her parents were going to come here for a visit, and since I could not afford to send her away on her own, her parents fit the bill for her to come with the kids, I had to work, with no babysitting arrangement, she wanted to take the kids, to visit Grandma and Grandpa instead. She assured me that the OM..which she is confused about did not want to see her, and that she was ok.
Thanks for explaining that...
Originally Posted By: BeingaBetterMan
I saw an email from the OM and he said that he did not want to get in the way of our family.
That has kinda already happened...
Originally Posted By: BeingaBetterMan
So I know a little more about the OM.
Does that make you feel better or worse ? He really is NOTHING more than a band-aid to her right now.
Originally Posted By: BeingaBetterMan
I still think that she tried to see him to see if there was anything, I guess I am not so trusting, but I have to trust her, I can tell that she is saddened to leave CA from talking to her.
These are assumptions on your part. And they can kill YOU. You aren't going to know what she is thinking or feeling right now....
Originally Posted By: BeingaBetterMan
I have tried to create a peaceful environment for her to return to, and am looking forward to seeing her and the kids. When you are alone like this for a while your mind can play tricks on you, your fears can become obsessions, I guess this is natural, My fear at the moment is that she is going to drop another bomb.
Expectations are much like assumptions, they can kill you.. Expectations can come from positive OR negative thinking.
Originally Posted By: BeingaBetterMan
But she has been honest about every thing from the beginning, so I have to trust her.
Do you really know this ? Can you be 100% sure that she has? Tendencies are to lie for them. Hence the believe nothing that you hear. And snooping ? If YOU can handle it, then go ahead, but I would tell you to not. It tends to make us focus on them instead of where our head should be at this point.
That is focusing on being the best person we can be for us and our children. I always said that I didn't want to know.
Is a PA or EA a dealbreaker? If it is ? Then go ahead and validate yourself.
If it isn't ? Then don't force the issue. Answers will come in time. When it is the right time. Sometimes as we move down this path, the questions that we feel we NEED answers to, become fairly un-important as time goes on. This is YOUR call, not anyone elses. Just because it was right for them, doesn't make it right for YOU.
The only person that you are truly hurting by knowing is YOU, she kinda already knows, doesn't she.......
A few questions for you BBM....
What are YOUR goals in this ?
Short term AND long term
How are you going to get there ?
What have YOU done to make those goals possible ?
What is different about you today as opposed to this time last year ?
Are your actions ( not words ) bring you closer or farther away ?
To become the kind of person that others are proud to be associated with and for my children to be modeled after. To be emotionally strong beyond words. To build an amazing relationship with my wife, and continued growth as a couple.
How are you going to get there ? by learning patience, serving others, overcoming bad habits, being a better friend to my wife, becoming an excellent provider of emotional and physical needs for my family. Many other things
What have YOU done to make those goals possible ? So many things.. My wife has commented on all the changes, but has admitted that she is happy for me, but it has no affect on her heart.
What is different about you today as opposed to this time last year ?
Are your actions ( not words ) bring you closer or farther away ?
I am more patient, more loving, less likley to stress, more willing to think of others first, more fit, better better better. Doing it for myself worth, but also for our marriage.
Now..my wife did see the OM in CA and she told me that she had lied about not seeing him. I am trying to understand that she needs to figure out her feelings, and she felt awful for not telling me and was afraid to for lack of fear that I would kick her out. From everything I have read she is in a MLC and fantasy world. She has told me that she is very cautious of her feelings and that he heart is far removed from our R. She has admired me for all the positive changed, but it is not affecting her heart.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
Now..my wife did see the OM in CA and she told me that she had lied about not seeing him. I am trying to understand that she needs to figure out her feelings, and she felt awful for not telling me and was afraid to for lack of fear that I would kick her out. From everything I have read she is in a MLC and fantasy world. She has told me that she is very cautious of her feelings and that he heart is far removed from our R. She has admired me for all the positive changed, but it is not affecting her heart.
And it's not GOING to affect her heart so long as she is having sex with another man. Her brain is all hopped up on "love chemicals" right now, and as long as she is doing this -- and LYING to you about it -- she's not going to be receptive to your changes. Now, you can (and should) do them ANYWAY, so long as each item on your list is "the right thing to do" and you're NOT doing it to make her notice, but just don't expect her to be open to you emotionally while she's having an affair.
But so long as she "feels awful" about it, I guess it's OK.
To become the kind of person that others are proud to be associated with and for my children to be modeled after. To be emotionally strong beyond words. To build an amazing relationship with my wife, and continued growth as a couple.
How are you going to get there ? by learning patience, serving others, overcoming bad habits, being a better friend to my wife, becoming an excellent provider of emotional and physical needs for my family. Many other things
What have YOU done to make those goals possible ? So many things.. My wife has commented on all the changes, but has admitted that she is happy for me, but it has no affect on her heart.
What is different about you today as opposed to this time last year ?
Are your actions ( not words ) bring you closer or farther away ?
I am more patient, more loving, less likley to stress, more willing to think of others first, more fit, better better better. Doing it for myself worth, but also for our marriage.
As they say on Family Fued ?
Good answer....The ONLY thing I would have liked to have seen different, is less about your wife or marriage as a reason for change.
These have to be for you to make them real.
Believe me, she will know the difference.
Originally Posted By: BBM
Now..my wife did see the OM in CA and she told me that she had lied about not seeing him. I am trying to understand that she needs to figure out her feelings, and she felt awful for not telling me and was afraid to for lack of fear that I would kick her out. From everything I have read she is in a MLC and fantasy world. She has told me that she is very cautious of her feelings and that he heart is far removed from our R. She has admired me for all the positive changed, but it is not affecting her heart.
MLC=Lying....No other way around it.
IF and I do mean IF this is a MLC. It is going to take a LOT of time for this to play out.
Not all MLC'ers are the same, but they do follow a certain un-spoken script.
Is she MLC ? Does it really matter to you that much ?
Cause you may never know that answer, better to NOT ask her. Good way to get your eyes scratched out.
Most MLC'ers are like cats, when they are done being petted and played with, they will scratch and claw their way out. I.E. spewing something horrible at you to make you stop talking.
MLC test results will vary, results take 2-5 years. ( NOT a timeframe, just little humor to lighten things up, cause you can't lose yourself in this )
Just read all that you can so that YOU understand what is happening. Maybe start a thread over in MLC and ask some questions.
Nothing you do right now will make a difference now, but everything you do now will make a difference down the road.
MLC is one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. This is a path that she needs to walk.
I have had the chance to talk to several MLC women that have made it through, and the one thing that is common, is the confusion that they all have over their decisions.
The selfishness overwhelms them and it is paralyzing. The control is a power trip.
My one friend told me that she had a baby, went to bed, and when she woke, her baby was four, and although she has vague memories of that time, it seems like it was a dream. Her husband shows her pictures of that time to show her that she WAS still there. But she has no memory of it.
She also ( as they all have ) has told me that it was the honor and integrity of her husband that drew her back. And the fact that he kept the promise of " Till death us do part "
I saw this coming last year when she started to become emotionally involved in a musician, joining a fan group..etc..something a teenage girls would do, then trying to reconnect with everyone in the past from High School through facebook. We were head deep into our problems at that pint that helped fuel the crisis. She is going to councilig, as am I as well and I understad that this has to run it's course. I told her that she is loved at home and I am happy that she is a great mother and would not want her to leave. The OM has called me trying to say he is not in the way..I told him ever so politely to not ever call me again and to please stop sharing his feelings with my wife as this is hurting her.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
puppy dog...She is not having an affair of sexual nature, because if she did I would not stand to let our family go through it, This is one thing that I will not stand for. And if she has then it would most certainly be over for us. With our value system it would be a huge breach of spiritual certainly.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
For a woman, an ongoing EA, with a strong emotional attachment, is even more significant than a brief PA. Trust me, only us DAMs make that "it's 'just' an EA" distinction.
What studying have you done about EAs? I'd suggest the book "NOT Just Friends," by Glass. I think it would be a huge eye-opener for you.
