Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GETTING UN'STUCK'

25mlc,

I hear what you're saying about the judging on my part. I've been working on that and now it's up to here to whether or not she feels like she's being judged. In that respect, sometimes I feel that she's so afraid of facing it that she'd rather leave than have the guilt hanging over her head.

When she had gotten defensive in the past about the A and it changes to she never loved me, etc. Do you think it's a protective mechanism for her?

I'm trying to make things as trusting between the two of us so that she'd be willing to share a little more "personal" things with me. It's going to be awhile though.

Thanks for the encouragement.

robx,

Thanks for the tips. I have been trying to build up her self-esteem by complimenting her in the areas that I know that she's self-conscience about. Just complimenting her and not offering suggestions.

One thing I know she's always been uncomfortable about is her looks. She's very cute, but is always self-conscience about it. She won't even go down the driveway without makeup if she feels a neighbor is outside. Any suggestions for that?

Anyone else with suggestions for that matter?

The confidence thing is definitely coming back and I'm doing alot more things for myself. Any more attraction tips for getting my W to notice me? From a guy's POV. Just curious.

Oh, one thing I did do was that I know that she's got a big nursing exam coming up, so I ordered her some practice materials and sending them to her work place. I'm not expecting anything in return, I just want her to succeed in her career.

Catch her with no make-up and in her robe and let her know how beautiful she is to you. I love seeing my wife working in her garden with sweat on her brow and dirt on her nose, it's times like that when her beauty shines thru from the inside out.



Let her know what is going on with you. Share your day, all of it.

Stck,

Let her put her make up on if it makes her feel more comfortable but as someone else here said, show her that YOU find her attractive just as she is wthout makeup.

Also, if she starts sharing more of her feelings, dreams, fantasies (like what countries she'd visit if she were a gazillionaire, or if she could fly or whatever, NOT the other kinds of fantasies...) she'll be less likely to have an EA b/c you're so darn approachable...Oh, but IF she did share a sexual fantasy with you, which I know would shock you, LISTEN to it w/o judgment.

That book I recommended to you, had a really humbling effect on me. We all need lessons on forgiveness. IT is so hard. Wish it had been taught in the schools b/c I did not see it at home growing up. More details coming later...

hang in there,
J-

Stuck said-



Coach said-



Most likely she wants to feel "beautiful", not "cute."

Hi Stuck. Thank you for suck sweet words you gave me! You always were a "charmer"!

I hate to hear about her taking off the wedding rings. Not sure what that may mean, but my suggestion is not to say anything at all. Don't hint, ask questions, or even "look" at her fingers. My first thoughts are that she is working something out in her own mind and if you can stay relaxed and not comment on the fact she's not wearing her rings, then hopefully she will put them back on without a word being said. But if you "do" say something, I feel that nothing good would come in the end.

I know that I have told you at least a hundred times to give this stitch more time than you ever thought would take for her to reach a good place.......but I still have to keep going back to saying it b/c I know that is what it took for "me".

Your fears of her having another A is understandable. However, anybody could think that about their spouse at anytime, right? We can't live life like that! It goes back to the forgiveness. I think if you can findly reach that stage of 100% forgiveness, that you may be able to feel that you can trust her and you can "rest" in that trust. As somebody said, "fear" is not attractive at all. Fear in a person comes shining through a dark room and makes people turn and walk away from you instead of causing them to turn toward you. Strange, isn't it?

The longer I am on this board and read what LBH's say.....the more I have to admire my own H. I can't imagine how hard it must have been on him to forgive me and especially to ever be able to actually "trust" me again. As I've said before, he proved that trust and I don't want to distroy it ever again.

I don't worry about having another EA. If things were to get as bad as they were before and I was in the "shape" I was before.....who knows? But, I don't worry about it and I feel strong and confident that we will be fine. However, I know that my grandmother was so right when she said (after more than 60 years of M) that you never reach a place that you can stop working at having a good M.

Stuck, I have come to think so much of you and it hurts to see you in so much pain. I know you are dealing with all sorts of emotions going on in your brain. If I did not believe that you had what it took to be who you need to be in this thing.....there is no way under the sun that I would have spent this much time writing these long posts (lol). But you are worth it! This M is certainly worth it and I do believe that there is such a great and wonderful chance of seeing a happy end of this bad time in your life.

Keep posting and reading.....and I'll still be around to nag you.

Take care,
Sandi

Greek,

When you decided to make it work again in the M, did you approach Coach or were the two of you "dating" again? I was just wondering what kind of positive signs you might have shown to show you were interested again.

Sandi,

Yes, please stay with me. I definitely need yours and everyone else's help on this rough ride. I have a question though, when you decided to make it work again in the M, did you approach your H or were the two of you "dating" again? I was just wondering what kind of positive signs you might have shown to show you were interested again.

My problem has always been jumping the gun on a small positive sign, so I don't want to scare her off any more.

Please listen to sandi and be more patient Stuck.

You are often posting on kev4's site (thank you for that) and you know the drill. You must use a much more realistic timeline. If you feel that YOU cannot endure this beyond a certain point then come up with an internal deadline that you might not share with your w, so you can have a light at the end of the tunnel and know that you'll move on then if she's not back. At that time however, YOU can alter it or renew it and try for some more time. (I dont' advise telling her this b/c it'll sound like an ultimatum that you don't want to enforce) This is for YOU only. So you'll know the limbo isn't forever.

I had a 2 year GOAL, b/c I had a d in high school I hoped to provide stability for so she could graduate without moving, etc. But in my heart and mind I wasn't sure I could stay M that long if there was no movement but at least I had that goal. Never told H about it. Usually had 6 month timelines in my head. "See what I feel THEN" is what I'd tell myself.

And when I finally thought, "when d graduates, I'm done..." it must have showed b/c there was movement from H before that and yes it was clear movement. first the "comfort" times without arguing and then some bonding experiences but at some point the WAS who wants back in, does make it clear. If not, that's an answer for you. If they are still "iff" when they claim to want back in but are only half way...then you have some tough choices to make. But you are not there yet.

Be much more patient Stuck. Much more. In sum, "what sandi said..."

(( j ))

yep what Sandi and 25 said...I've never thought I'd do it this long but I finally set a deadline in my head...Will I stick to it, don't know...After two years what's another few months...It sux but it gets better you know that you are so much better than when you first started posting...