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Long day driving. Lots of time for thinking.

Left behind mid atlantic, home for last 10 years. Arrived in New England in time for the post sunset drop in temperature and smell of sea salt mist that remains the consistent background to most of my childhood memories.

After the 10 hour exercise in driving mediation, broken only for refueling, and once during absolute grid lock on the cross Bronx expressway where I decided to try putting into practice the notion of finding opportunity in adversity and got out of the car to do a little yoga stretching, to which the motorist behind me responded by leaning out his window and shouting, "Lady, its 85 degrees out there, you're new age a** is gonna melt", I came to a few conclusions. Nothing earth shattering here, but helpful for me none the less.

1) I am scared of what lies ahead but either no longer too afraid or now too exhausted to remain paralyzed by the fear. Somethings got to give. I feel a little window opening in my heart.

2) WAH. may be melting down into even more of a mess or he may be well on his way to finding happiness in his life. Understanding what happened in our M, why and how would be nice, but it won't do anything to help me here in the short term. What will help ME be the best, most happy and peaceful ME, is mutually exclusive of WAH these days and its time for me to really shove off, roll up my sleeves and get to it.

3) I am still more sad about this then I was willing to let on and that is ok, for now.

4) It would hurt me more to have increasing unpleasantness between me and WAH and to have things deteriorate further. Not ready to full on except what is happening, but certainly don't want to start bickering over details of remaining issues-just because he is not behaving nicely doesn't mean I am a sucker if I don't volley back a hard line just for the sake of doing so.

So, planned my words, set a time limit, and made a quick phone call to WAH where I offered a bit of good will in the form of giving up something that we had been in a power struggle over that I realized I was holding on to in principle, not because I really really needed it. There are enough of those things that will need to be decided and by giving up something that was important to me from the past but that I could get over for the future, I felt a small sense of regaining control over the right things.

WAH was appreciative, perhaps a bit disarmed. 'how can you do that, still want to be nice to me?'

I explained. "because its not worth it to me to see us become less than i know we are, as people, to each other. Its not worth it to have the unpleasantness between us."

WAH: I'm sorry that you feel you have to do that, for it to be that way.

Me: I'm sorry too. And I'm sorry that you weren't willing to do it. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to, and why I want to do it. I'm not doing it out of resentment or anger, or to say I was the bigger person. I'm doing it because it's something I can live without-not all things will be like this-and because regardless of all that has happened, what is happening between us, I will always value you and what we had.

WAH: I know, I know, me too, I...if you want, I could (XXY),

Me: Its fine. I've actually got to go now. Just wanted to get that decided. I hope things go well for you.

WAH: I hope things go well for you too. I'm really glad you are out of your job...you are...you always were...I want so many things for you.

Me: Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that, I've already got myself into a little of this and a little of that up in (Northeast).

WAH: I'm not surprised.

Me: And you shouldn't be. Right then. Over and out.

And no, he did not hang on the line. But I didn't wait for it. Getting closer to being able to say that for now, I'm not looking over my shoulder. We are not friends, but nor are we going to become enemies. That is one thing I will not let happen. Its just not my style.

Well done!

Good stuff, traveldane. You too are getting mojofied! I recently read a plaque in an office with words to the effect that you can slay someone with kindness,forgiveness, smiles,grace and prayer. I think it was called the Best Revenge or something like that. And so your "high road" approach of letting go of the possession you were in a power struggle over will disarm him. More importantly things like this help to free you and are on a larger scale symbolic of your letting go right now.

You are a very strong lady and if I were there I would shake your hand.

THanks kara and mnt,

Hope I can hang on to this mojo...at times it feels like chasing a balloon...always just about to get away from me .

Today went pretty well though.

Hope you both are well.

Dude.


Duuudddeee!


Friendiness! Whoa, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuddde!

And here in Coastal City, the longer the "dude," the higher the compliment.

@kara reminds me of this:

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

SP-

I appreciate the "dude"s. Coming from The Dude, espcially.

Kara-I love the MLK quote. My old job was in a pretty volitle ER in a hard core urban setting. I had the sweetest little old lady patient who was one of our regulars, who would quote MLK to me every time she came in. Thanks for reminding me.

Ok, so ups and downs right?

Ups...moving into new apartment. Lots of light, beautiful refinished floors. Unpacked my tea kettle, sipped a mug of chamomile while staring out the window at the little crack of harbor view I can make out above the tree line. Nice.

Downs...moving into new apartment. Our stuff, all around me. What to do with this stuff?

I had moved it all into storage the week before we let go of our town house...when H. had insisted on separation but not packed a single solitary thing two days before we had agreed to be out. I divided out sheets, pots and pans, etc., into two piles. Take to storage. Leave for him. God, it pains me to think of the way I couldn't even cheat him on the counts. Even down to dish towels, even steven. Whatever.

So now our storage unit contents is being delivered to my new apartment. Small load arrived today, rest will come next week. Saw a tupperware bin with wedding pictures and photo albums...eeek, straight back to the pile for storage.

And then, the unavoidable, painful trip to Target. Here's me, zombie walking up and down the aisles, contemplating the fact that our separation/divorce is fueling the struggling economy,feeling utterly beaten by the sadness of this whole thing, trying to avoid any obvious painful triggers. The couples filling out their wedding registries actually don't bother me (too obvious), nor the expecting parents, pricing car seats (saw the one we had bought, then returned) nor the PDA couples holding hands and smooching in the check out line.

Its the the couple in the kitchen aisle looking for the right spatula, apparently for their Saturday morning pancake ritual. Their playful teasing and easy comfort radiating "I'm happiest right here, right now, with my best friend" sends me over the edge. I pay, leave, and then bawl in my car for a good ten minutes before I can manage to get it under control and start the ignition.

I drive "home" in the rain, thinking to myself-
He better be marvelously, insanely, stupidly happy. To throw what we had away, to walk on and discount our Saturday morning ritual...the trip to the farmers market and then home to make fried egg and tomato sandwiches, with the baseball game playing in the background on the radio...
F. him. It better be freakin amazing.

td,

Hang in there. The times alone are the hardest to deal with. I remember when my W first moved out with my Ds, I walked past their rooms and saw the empty crib and folded like a baby.

As the days go on though, the sadness slowly dulls, so you hang in there.

{{{stuck}}}

'Course there's another way to frame this, isn't there?