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Matilda,
A family picnic is being planned for next Saturday. My W's brother and family are coming to town. The expectation is that we're to wait by the phone as to what time the picnic is to start.

I prefer to take control of my plans for that day. I don't think my presence is essential, since the main purpose is for my W's family to reconnect. I usually say hello and sit off on the side, for these events.

I sent my W an email telling her my intention for that day, so there's no miscommunication. If she thinks it's essential for me to be there, she can say so, and I'll reconsider. I'm not going to go, just so she can have a chauffer.

She and her friend tried out a church together yesterday. I think she needs to be doing something like that, so hope she continues. She needs to be making her own connections beyond her friend. He will go on with his life at some point.

CL

My W decided to try the my weekday dance venue this past week. I told her that would be fine as long as she understands that we're not going as partners, and that I am there to practice and build and maintain my network. I ended up dancing several dances with her, as I knew she was new to this venue.

The next evening, I agreed to teach her friend some basic cha cha steps. After the lesson, I asked my W to return the favor and help me with some moves I had recently learned. She was helpful, and now I'm more confident in putting those moves on the dance floor.

There has been ongoing conflict between the two of them regarding the dancing. He has been a free spirit dancer, and my W wants him to learn some ballroom basics. He takes some guidance from me, and after realizing how difficult it is to learn dancing, he is discouraged and tells my W she is being too critical, and threatens to quit dancing. My W does give detailed feedback, and is trying to mold him in her image.

I told my W I would not be going to visit her brother and family this weekend at the picnic. I've decided that my free time is limited with the cooking job, and don't want to miss a night of dancing to attend an event where my presence is not essential, or to visit relatives I see yearly, and don't have much in common with.

My back problem is slowly getting better. It still hurts to sit for a length of time, but the shooting pain has been replaced with a dull ache in the buttock. The chiropractic 2X/week is helping. The daily walking is essential. Whenever I feel tension or aching in my lower back, I pay attention to my body and practice my yoga poses. My guess is that I need to also focus on poses that strengthen the back, and to personalize my routine for what my body needs.

CL

Hi CL. Did your wife react in any way when you said you weren't going to her brothers? I know when I was sill married my ex really wanted to put on the appearance that all was well. It doesn't seem to be that way with you.

It's so interesting that she is now critical of her friend's dancing. When you danced with your wife, did you approach her or vice versa?

I'm glad you can set your limits and stick with them. Also glad your back is not keeping you down!

Matilda,
I don't think it was an expectation that I attend this event. Her friend accompanied her. I don't know what people think of him attending a family event. She was not allowed to bring him to her nephew's graduation last month, so she boycotted it.

I asked her to dance, as she wasn't getting asked much.

I went to a studio dance tonight, and had a good time, and got some good practice in. I was one of two guys at a table so was needed, and kept busy.

CL

My W's friend does the things with her that I dislike doing--sitting at restaurants, talking incessantly, staying out late, going to bed late, and sleeping in late. He always asks me to join them, but I refuse, and say that I don't like sitting in restaurants. It's not how I want to spend the free time that I have.

I went to a studio dance last night.

My poor dog is having to endure the sound of fireworks tonight.

CL

Last night's outing between my W and her friend gives a sample of his state of mind. They had plans to drive about an hour away to visit his favorite Cuban restaurant and to go to a studio dance afterwards. My W owns a navigator system to assist when they go to unfamiliar places. He refused to use it, and they ended up getting to the restaurant after it closed, and never found the dance. This scenario repeats itself often.

His stomach was hurting him throughout the evening. He gets calls daily from his W, about the latest family drama.

Stories like these validate that I should continue the path that I'm on. He can't run from his life, and like my W, can't avoid the work of moving forward, whatever direction that entails.

CL

Your wife and her friend seem to behave almost like children.
How do you feel when he invites you to come along? How does your wife react when HE invites you along? Is he staying at your house on a regular basis? Neither of them can run from their lives, but it doesn'ts seem like they are trying to change things either. You are a patient man!

Matilda,
I'm not sure how I feel when he asks me to go along. I think he genuinely likes me and is offering out of kindness and inclusiveness. My W is silent when he asks me to go. I don't think she would mind if I went as long as I assumed her role.

I don't think it would work though. I would grow weary of the incessant chatter, the emphasis on food, and being his tireless support in helping him to solve his domestic problems. My W seems to enjoy the role.

He is trying to help his high functioning MR young adult son establish independence in the community. This is taking up a lot of his time. He needs to learn to establish boundaries with his son, who seems to want his time on demand. He and my W have missed several nights of dancing to respond to his crises.

Detachment and GAL allow me to spend my time as constructively as possible, and to intersect with my W as little as possible. It certainly is the slow road, though I think the one in my best interest for now. This boundary allows the marital dysfunction to continue, with the hope that I'll get more fearless, more connected in the dance community, wiser in my decisions, more skilled in my ballroom dancing and writing hobbies, and that there will be opportunities to move the M forward at some point, whether it be Piecing or D. This is not a zero tolerance approach.

CL

My W is reconsidering her two week trip to Puerto Rico with her friend. He is struggling with trying to move forward with his D, and his STBXW is creating obstacles by negotiating unfair division of the resources. He is having job problems, and my be unemployed soon.

He continues to to get he and my W lost on their way to events, sometimes resulting in missing the event. Last night, he had a tantrum, and abruptly cancelled the evening, after they had almost arrived. He turned the car around and dropped my W off.

My W announced that she is shortening her PR trip, and asked me to go. The answer is still no. I would consider planning a trip with her, such as with the Friendship Force group we joined earlier in the year, where you stay with a host.

She knows where I'm going dancing tonight, and is welcome to go with me, but I think she'll stick with her salsa venue, while I go to the West Coast Swing club. There are a few ladies who are willing to let me practice new moves on the dance floor, so I'm not dependent on my W for practice anymore.

I think it's important that I allow my W to connect with me, and just enjoy the moment, and put problems aside for the time being, when she offers connection. She doesn't seem to be on a path towards D, so I need to make sure I'm not carrying around anger and resentment, and work on living day to day, and moment to moment.

I'm working out of Memoirs of the Soul by Nan Pipher to prompt my writing forward. I'm trying my hand at spiritual autobiography, memoir, and personal essays.

CL