Journaling here. Interesting turn of events yesterday. W offered to have my truck serviced at the dealer while I'm working today so she came over last night to swap vehicles and wanted to come in and talk. She met with the IC yesterday and said there was a lot of tears, a lot of pain, but that she had a good sessions and had hope for the first time. She is working through her long repressed pain (that I have caused) and also addressing her guilt/shame regarding the A and how much that has hurt me/us. She was sad, crying on and off, and apologized to me for the A for the first time. I empathized and said I understand that she is going through a lot of pain right now; broken heart from the loss of the OM, guilt/shame over her decisions, fear about the loss of her job, panic about her security, confusion about what she wants from our R (etc, etc) and she agreed on all points. I specifically said I'm sure you loved, or still love, the OM and that loss is probably very painful and she nodded a yes. Difficult to know about her, but I always knew the A was not about anything physical (if there was a PA); she's a very emotionally connected person and I lost track of that along the way and created the opportunity for the A to happen (not that she's not 100% responsible for her decisions; those are her failures).
I was supportive but detached, happy but compassionate, and made several points about us both moving on with our lives. I'm starting to make it clear that I'm not sitting here waiting for her to come back to me. She made some "us" comments during her talk and that is a change. I did not pick that up and talk about it (staying detached and cool).
What I did do for myself when she was over is tell her I forgave her for the A and the lies. I'm just tired of carrying that anger and resentment around in my heart and made a decision the past few days to let that go and forgive her for my own sense of well being. Michelle says forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and I am happy I did; I was very at peace last night and today about that decision. I hope it gives her some comfort also, but I did it for me and am glad I did. I followed up that statement with a reminder that I'll never forget, I just don't want it in my heart anymore. I also said that this doesn't mean I won't need to know certain details of the A if we are ever to have a chance to work things out and she said she understood that. She shared some details from her IC session and what she would be working on next and seemed hopeful. I told her I was proud of her for starting IC and facing her fears and pain, that she needed to resolve her issues for her own sense of peace and happiness and I was hopeful for her. She was very appreciative, told me I looked good (have lost 42 pounds through this ordeal) and looked into my eyes a lot more that she has since the A came to light.
One thing I had not talked about earlier is a decision I made a week ago after lots of thought and prayer. Despite all the pain, the A, the lies she has told (etc) it has been hard to watch her go through so much pain because I do still care about her. I have been able to see clearly for the first time how much "baggage" she brought to our M from past failed relationships and M's. These bags didn't come out until we started to have issues 2-3 years ago but once out, they contributed to a lot of our problems and eventually caused her to detach and find comfort elsewhere instead of being able to address on our issues. So I made a decision that, while I was hurting and had needs, I was more concerned about her recovery and therapy needs than dealing with my own needs and decided to focus on being supportive and stop trying to address me needs for awhile; i was going to put her first in my life and prayers. I think this change in my behavior, and regular daily prayer, created the situation where she was willing to go to IC and start addressing her own issues instead of our M issues. I have come to a place where I am more concerned about seeing her get better so she can have a successful R with whoever than I am about saving our M. I am still hopeful that is possible but realistic about how hard that road is and doubtful of my W's ability to travel all the way down that road. I see now that she has areas where she is weak and may not have the character to complete this journey. I'm OK with that because I now know that I do have that strength for myself; I know without a doubt I'll be happy going forward with or without her.
So I find myself in an interesting position this morning; I'm feeling some anxiety, and when I look at why, I think it's because I see that the door to our M might be opening slightly and I'm feeling ambiguous about that. I know Michelle says this is a common reaction and I need to go back and re-read that section to deal with these new feelings. I guess I'm just getting comfortable being alone and liking my life as is; without needing her in it and that feels a little weird.
Still a long road ahead but I'm OK with where I am and with any outcome. I know what I want, what I need, and she can either deliver that or she can't and I'm OK either way. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time and I hope it stays that way.
