Appreciate the comments and I'm definitely going underground for the next few days. As for the pics, I can appreciate the criticisms above but I can say with confidence it's not petulance or a display; i just don't want to see those pics right now and she's not in the house. I might put a few of the obvious ones back before she returns but I'm also addressing my needs and those reminders are not what I want to see right now.
As for the lawyer issues, there are no underage children, I'm not the father of the 25 y/o and, despite her abhorrent behavior in our marriage, we had already talked about having a civil divorce and had agreed on how we would divide and proceed; I see no reason for that to have changed as a result of this last issue. If it goes sideways I will certainly engage outside counsel, I just don't think that's necessary right now.
Thanks as always, will check back in later this weekend with additional thoughts/questions.
If it goes sideways I will certainly engage outside counsel, I just don't think that's necessary right now.
Mike,
I just want you to consider that if it goes sideways, it may do so QUICKLY, and it's certainly more than just a possibility that she may respond negatively to your rapid and strong moves. Just want you to watch yourself, that's all.
To be more specific, as I should have done to begin with, this was the part that I found particularly off-putting:
Originally Posted By: Mike in Phx
and built a pile of stuff that includes a bracelet she just bought me, a few special rings we bought together, an emblem of out initial love and my wedding ring with a note that says "These belong to you again"; she'll probably see this on Monday.
That, IMHO, serves no useful purpose at all. If you have (or think you might just possibly have when you've processed a bit more) any hope of salvaging this marriage, I'll reiterate my suggestion that you rethink this.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
To be more specific, as I should have done to begin with, this was the part that I found particularly off-putting:
Originally Posted By: Mike in Phx
and built a pile of stuff that includes a bracelet she just bought me, a few special rings we bought together, an emblem of out initial love and my wedding ring with a note that says "These belong to you again"; she'll probably see this on Monday.
That, IMHO, serves no useful purpose at all. If you have (or think you might just possibly have when you've processed a bit more) any hope of salvaging this marriage, I'll reiterate my suggestion that you rethink this.
Point taken, I'll think about how to address this. I'm hearing that she is really scared because she's lost the OM and she's losing me now; I feel like the wheel is in my hands for the first time. My point with the pile is to make a statement about just how ready I am to walk away at this point (and I am). She needs to come to the table and do a lot of the heavy lifting now, be honest, come clean about everything and start showing that she is doing the work because it's been all me up 'til now. The pile reinforces the shock and awe but I do recognize that it might be a little over the top; I'll reconsider. She wants to talk tonight, I'm not sure I'm ready to (although I do want to get acces to all the email accounts and history). Thoughts....????
I would NOT discuss this tonite, for a couple of reasons. One, that's her timetable, not yours. She's not setting your agenda now. Two, you need time to process this emotionally -- you've been hit with quite a bomb, and you need time to think, pray (if you're so inclined) and gather advice from a close circle of those you trust.
See my other post to you about this. If she wants to talk tonite, say "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to discuss this yet. I have some thinking to do," or some such.
I'd also suggest saying something along the lines of "I have no intentions of discussing this marriage so long as you've unilaterally invited a third person into it. End your affair, and I think you'll find me ready and willing to discuss all issues, including mine."
Let her sweat a bit. And WHATEVER you do, DON'T MOPE. If she asks you how you are (some do), say "Me? I'll be fine. I just have some thinking to do," in a matter-of-fact, confident voice.
Oh, and one more thing. If at any point she says something to you that you KNOW FOR CERTAIN is a lie, put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please stop. We both know you're lying right now, and I find it incredibly disrespectful."
If she gets rude, disrespectful or starts shouting, end the conversation immediately.
Thanks for the help PDT, I'll do as you say and put off any discussions this weekend. I'm definitely not moping and will put on my best face when we do talk.
As for the 3rd party discussion, that was exactly what I said yesterday; "you end the affair immediately and never communicate with him again and we might be able to talk. Otherwise, you are not welcome in this house because I will not be in an open relationship". It might have worked because she has closed all but her "secret" email accounts today (although I can't say she hasn't opened others). Time will tell....
Not sure which might you were referring to so I'll answer both. If you mean "we might be able to talk" I mean that I'm not sure there's any room to talk. She stopped caring for me a long time ago and used this OM to satisfy her her emotional (and likely physical) needs. If this M fails this will be dead marriage #4 for her; I now see that this is a recurring pattern for her. When the going gets tough she starts to separate, finds a way to break the relationship (infidelity) and moves on. It's very possible that this ship has sailed already. I also mean that I don't know if I even want to try to work this out. Since pulling my head out of my a$$ I've come to see that I have a lot to offer a partner and my W has failed to honor or appreciate that for some time now. I'm conflicted about the work being worth the hurt nand the very good chance it work work anyway. I also struggle with the "once a cheater always a cheater" possibilities.
If you were questions when I said "it might have worked" I mean that she appears to have canceled the secret accounts and has stated she knows she needs to come clean and be 100 truthful.
It was the first "might" -- thanks. I was just wondering why, even if she does what you want her to do you'll only "might" be willing to work on things, she would even agree to come back.
I'm not saying you're wrong to feel this way -- considering her past track record -- but just trying to understand what you were trying to convey.
