Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I had an Affair when I thought my M was over!

I know I am posting a lot here but I don't know where else to go.

It seems to me that whenever W and I get into a sich, she holds a double standard. She will even admit it.

I will give her a few days on this but why is it that anyone I talk to sees that if we want the marriage to work then none of this semantic blockage means anything and it is logical that we both now understand what the affair feels like to the other person.

I forgive her and I always did. I did not go with someone else for revenge, I finally after almost a year felt a hint of giving up but I didn't really give up. I worked so hard and just when I fell apart she decided she wanted to make it work.

I am so angry at her, myself and our terrible life. People are asking me what it is that I want back in the marriage.

It has been so long but I remember when we were a working marriage. even when it was bad and we had a lot of friction, we used to really understand eachother very very deeply but now there is so much pain and geographic distance between us. What can I do but give up and let her be alone? It's like we want to be with eachother but now the only thing keeping us apart is the pain we have caused eachother in the separation.

I don't think there is anything more I can do to save this marriage, it is all on her but she is so weak and gives up on anything that is emotionally difficult. She seems to be saying that the only reason she wanted me back was because I waited for her but now I have betrayed her.


Is there anything more I can do? What could I offer her?

The Harleys?

I have looked at the coaching over the phone. It cost about as much as I make in a week. I would be willing to do it if she were but I can't afford it on my own.

So I am giving her space and time.

After we had our last fight, She decided sort of seemingly out of the blue that our marriage is worth saving. So many times I thought she had made that decision and this fight was so bad.

I had a friend that had been just cool and there for me the day I got back. It is foolish and immoral but I had sex with her, partly as a panacea to feel better and to force my spirit to LET GO of my marriage.

The next day however the wife calls and swears she wants to reconcile. I didn't tell her what I did because I want my wife back but when she asked, with a bit of hesitation, I told her.

She had told me before that she is not like me and that she is glad I can forgive her but she does not think she can forgive such a slight if done to her.

Bariga,

Space and time maybe be all you can do. You told her the truth and it was the right thing to do IMO.



Speaking only for myself but I know I used to say that if my H ever cheated on me that I'd be outta there and nothing would ever change my mind...until it happened to me. You never know what you will do until you are actually faced with a situation.

She may or may not be able to get past it, but you won't know that unless you try.

Take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

Bariga, I hope you are not beating yourself up. I know what you did wasn't right either, but it is totally understandable in my opinion. At least you have reasons for what you did. Tangible reasons that she knows she can fix and you won't do that again. With our WAS, its hard because they have their A with little reason, I feel, which makes it even harder to resolve. You're only human.

I think that she may be saying those things to make you feel guilty while not facing her own guilt. Be strong. Admit your wrong but don't take all the blame. IMHO

Thank You, I am trying not to. Blame is a problem. When I told her how I felt and why it happened, she thought I was blaming her. I was merely trying to lay out the emotions as they are. she thinks that since she told me she won't promise fidelity during our separation that she is exempt from responsibility for that action of hers, but since I was telling her I wanted her all along that I am a cheater and she is not.

I think her's is the most immature response I have ever heard in my life. I'm not mad at her for being hurt though, I am upset that she can hold such a double standard and still expect to be taken seriously.

Is it a positive thing that she is texting me at my request to let me know that she is okay at nite before she goes to bed?

Its magical thinking and helps her justify what she has done and gives her the ability to make you the bad guy.

I agree with Vickyd...take responsibility for what you have done, but you can't shoulder the responsibility for everything...its not fair.

Really hard to get through her "Magical Force Field" always has been.

My wife is like Teflon. She never seems to let any responsibility stick to her but she will be the first to say that I or anyone else is not behaving responsibly. She has real jealousy issues yet she has a pattern of infidelity to her boy fiends and now me. I am in the process now of waking up to realize that this woman that I looked up to and admired for her strength and conviction is actually a very selfish and scared little girl with delusions of entitlement.

There has been a very deep connection with us in the past and she has relied on me for emotional support without knowing and giving next to nothing in return for almost a year now.

If I were to take her back after all of this none of my friends and family will understand why and at this point I am trying to figure that out too.

She came clean to her mother about her "affair" and to me that is huge, she said she was ready to talk to me about what ever I needed to talk about to heal but then when she found out that I had a moment of doubt about our relationship, she decides it might not be forgivable. It leaves me standing here thinking. God.....what if I hadn't lost faith in the marriage just that one time? Would we be happily working on the marriage.

Seems as I may have said before that she was fine with hurting me and being forgiven but when she is hurt, she can not forgive. Can this kind of selfishness ever stop? Am I wishing for too much?