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Sandi,

Thank you, thank you for your response. What you said not only validates some on my gut reactions to what has happened between my H and I, but also makes me feel like less of a fool for not being ready to walk away from this marriage.

Of course many people around me feel like, wow, he couldn't be there for you in this major thing, why would you want him? I agree that its unfair that he couldn't, like you said, we both lost this child. But, I also know that I come from a back ground that has given me more tools to get through this. So while its not fair and hurts me hugely, I think he might have been doing his best, at first, and then kind of melted down.

Regarding our initial converstations regarding children following the bad news we got last summer. We were planning to try for another pregnancy. He really wanted to intially, but I needed some time to recover, which he understood. During those first few weeks after the pregnancy loss, he said the exact right thing to me, for me, the only thing that made me feel ok in the midst of our initial loss. He said "We are just going to make a list of all the things that will be difficult to do once we do have children and start doing one of those things, each month. Like a back packing trip, or something. And then, when we have kids, we will have all sorts of fun, non kid adventures, to remember". I made me feel like we were a team, where going to be positive, and get through this together.

I don't know when we first started deviating from that plan, but I know the endless family drama that we ran to attend to did not help. But then, when he began to really withdraw and we started arguing, we both agreed that this was not the time to invite the stress of another pregnancy. I didn't know that the EA was taking off at this time, but knew that he seemed really depressed. This is when we put MC on hold and he started IC. For the first time in a long time, he did not press the baby issue. Obviously now I know why.

What is encouraging to me is that I do see him making small progess in continuing with IC, in stating that he wants to learn to be more responsible financially, in his intention to discuss his family grievances with his parents (something he has never done, only festered over). So I do hope that H. is on a journey to becoming stronger, and at least for now, I don't want to rule out the possibility that I might get to benefit from that in the future. Of course the presence of OW hurts and makes me crazy...but I am doing my best to not see her as truely legitimate. Still, sometimes, it over takes me, is he falling in love with her, where has their "relationship" gone to at this point....I try so hard to put it out of my mind and ignore it.

I'm very appreciate of your advice regarding staying dark. This is a 180 for me, and I have been really trying to stay this way, for exactally the reasons you said. I'm glad you specificed no post cards, because every once in a while I wonder if droping him a little note, just to keep me in his mind now would be beneficial. But I agree with you that right now he needs the absence of me to be surrounded by only his feelings, cisis, and learn to deal.

Along this line, I have decided to take a new job 10 hours away and move to Boston. This is relatively close to the small town where my family (and H family actually) live, so I will have support from my family and friends. I figure it will be better for me to not be so sad in our city where we got married, where I have memories at every resteraunt, etc., and there will be no chance of me running into him and melting down. Also, I've always thought of moving there, H and I had discussed it as an option regularly. So, if and when he is ready to resume contact with me, if I am even still interested, he could easily find me and would have to pursue me.

For our sitch this might be the ultimate LRT, and I am pretty scared to do it, but I think it is the right move, so I am plannig to do so. I've spent the last 2 weeks with family for R&R to decide on this move idea. Its been good to be around people who love and support me and I think I feel stronger now in knowing what to do. Any thoughts on this course of action from your perspective?

One other question that you might be able to advise on:
This weekend I am going back to D.C. to retrieve my belongings from storage unit. H. and I talked last week by phone to resolve an outstanding bill issue. Conversation actually went well. H also told me that unless I wanted him to, he didn't think it was necessary to file for divorce right now, "since we have to live seperately for 1 year before it could be granted anyway". I let this silly, non legal based rationale go and just said "What do you want to do?" He said, "this seems fine to me". So I said, "fine", and left it at that.

When H realized I was gone from D.C., was moving (I hadn't bothered to tell him, not really his business any more,) he hesitently stated that when I come back to get my things that maybe we could get together "to talk a little". This is only the second time since we have been S that he has initiated any kind of contact. I was vague and said, "I'll see what my schedule looks like when I get into town".

I am not sure if a) he just said that to be polite and will not follow through with this (he probably will not call me), b) what "talk a little" means...makes me nervous, or c) If I should do this even if he initiates (calls me) once I am there because I need to be just moving forward in my life and putting him to the side until he has himself more together.

thank you again Sandi for your time, your words and your support. I am so thankfull I found this forum.

Best to you,
TD

Hey Orchid,

Thanks for your post.

I am in the process of moving, will be in my new place next week (I can alreay feel your unpacking boxes pain). I am nervous about it, for reasons I am sure you understand and are living right now, but think it is the right step for me right now.

Thanks for the suggestion of lavender oil. I am definiely going to try that.

I think your statement about being more assertive with your H but not necessarily with telling him all about how you are feeling makes a lot of sense. I think that is a stance I also need to take, in the only absolutely necessary times that we need to be communicating right now.

When is your H due to arrive in town? Have you identified what you would like to get out of your conversation? How you want to present yourself? I think its always helpful, at this stage, to try to plan ahead for various scenarios. I guess the whole hope for the best but be ready, planned in your response to the worst.

Hope the work function went well. I have a little event here in new city that I am attending tomorrow night. It is a meet and greet at a little non-profit group that I've decided to start volunteering with. Figured I would feel good to have something outside of work and another way to meet people, hopefully.

Have a great day!

Hang in there, traveldane. I know your pain...I really do.It is not an easy thing for a M to recover from, even when you discuss the issues. YOu not only face the possible loss of a M, you have already lost something else. It is not easy.

BUT....God is good and he hasn't failed me yet. There will be better days for us all.

I did not see you like that at all. I see a couragous young lady with grace and dignity that has enough spunk to move forward with her life--hopefully with the expectations that her H will wake up and decide to share his life with her.



I want to tell you that if you were my daughter, I would be so proud of you and how you have dealt with all of this terrible ordeal. Your parents did a very good job in raising you! Again, your maturity comes shining through loud and clear with every post. Not only your maturity, but the compassion you have for your H. A lot of women would feel just as the ones you described about saying he was not there for you, etc. As I stated in the last post, he started out trying to support you and stand beside you, but men do not "deal" with troubles the way women do. So, even though it would be easy to get extremely angry at him and feel that he has deserted you......I still believe he should have a bit of time to try to work things out in his own mind. Maybe it is b/c my own H would not discuss his intermost emotions about things that are hurtful, causes me to think a lot of men have problems in expressing themselves the way we females do. We can talk and cry it out, which is part of our therapy, but "some" men see that as being sissy for a male to do. Maybe your H can talk freely about most things but this just got the best of him in so many ways and made him want to start running and never look back. In "our" eyes this may not seem rational, but it is your H that must work this out in his own way or find professional help with it. That is why I hope his IC will talk to him about it. The fact that he started out sharing plans about the future and then having the meltdown (so to speak) makes me think that the stress became too unbearable. B/c of your background, you were able to deal with the painful facts and go from there to making plans ahead......but you said a mouthful when you said he did not have the "tools" to do what you could. I think it is a wonderful trait you have to be able to see that truth and be so understanding. Someday......he will be very grateful. He may....or may not express that to you.....but he will feel it in his heart.

You were also able to realize that you should not physically or emotionally try to have another baby right away. I heard it said that it takes a woman's body two years to really get over having a baby. Of course, a lot do not give it that much time, but it would be better. Your H probably did not fully understand that aspect of it. You know that my heart goes out to you, but I just can't help but feel sorry for him wanting to have a family of his own. I should not keep bringing that up since I've already talked about it, but it goes back to his upbringing. So sad.

I hope you will never wonder if it was your fault that he turned to another woman or begin to drown his sorrows in his work b/c it was not "you" that he was having a problem with at all. The OW was simply an escape route just as taking drugs or drinking would be for some. Being a former AWAW who had an EA, I understand all too well about those "escape routes". In time, one sees that it is not working and has to find something else of deal with reality. I hope he chooses to deal with reality....and do it in a healthy way. The fact that he is making some progress and facing his parents about things in the past should be very hopeful, indeed. I would certainly see that step as being a move toward a stronger maturity.



Oh sweetie, he won't forget you for a second! Don't you worry about that. He may be fighting hard to wipe out particular memories, but you will always have a part of him that no other woman could ever hope to hold. However, IMHO, going dark would not only be a time of healing for you (even if that sounds weird) but it will cause him to "miss" you. All LBS worry about their WAS "forgetting" them. But it doesn't work that way. Remember, he loves you in spite of what he may be doing. I know it hurts you that he's with the OW, but don't believe for a minute that he is in love with her.

Regarding the little talk he suggested......that could mean several things. However, let's think positive since he is making some progress with his IC. If you "want" to see him and hear what he has to say, I would suggest you look so great it will knock his socks off! Act friendly and sweet but have the confidence that any man would be lucky to have a wife like you! In other words, don't let your nervousness take control of the time you have with him.

In my personal opinion, I think it is wise to put off the D for at least the time the law allows. That gives both of you time to do some healing and for him to try to find solid ground. If he approaches you with the idea of proceeding with filing, that will have to be your decision. My advice is not to give in to what may turn into an emotional reaction when you hear whatever he has to say. Could be that he is seeing how wrong he has been about his actions and wants to find out more about how you react to him before he talks about what is on his mind. I do think you need to meet with him and find out what is going on.

Better go for now. Will be thinking much about you and will be anxious to hear from you again.

Take care,
Sandi

Thank you Sandi. You have spent much time writing to me about my situation; I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I will wait to see if he actually intiates getting together when I return to home city next weekend to retrieve my stuff from the storage unit. If he does, I will do as you suggest, if he does not, I think I will just stick to dealing with the move and head out of town.

Thank you again. I'll let you know how it goes.

just a bit of journaling here-

had a low day yesterday and began to realize how this experience has really called my attention to perspective. Some days I can maintain PMA, really keep the focus on myself, enjoy the growth that I am experiencing and kind of just surrender to the fact that this is what is now, but there is know way to know what lies ahead...for my broken marriage, for my life and where it will take me...and kinda just trust that God will provide what I need, what is best. Regarding the marriage I think, its not unreasonable to think that it might be restored, when and if the time is right. There are sucess stories to look to...

But then, there are still a frustratingly large number of times when I feel only demoralized. I sometimes still can't believe that 1 year ago I was pregnant and my H. was starting a new job and we were just taking for granted everyday things that now I marvel at. And on days like this I feel like the last one in the room to to get the joke, in even thinking that our marriage might be saved or restarted. I look at the right here today reality of our ongoing separation, that during this time he has initiated little to no contact between us, has talked about divorce with such certainty, has not once indicated that he misses anything about me or what we had together, that he is likely still seeing OW, and that the likely scenario is that he is moving on. That this is how it happens.

Its hard because I work in health care and every day I see people and families dealing with disease and loss and all they want, what they wouldn't give for just more time with their loved ones. I feel for them and it makes me look at this marriage situation I am in and think, if we can come through this stronger, than this is what needed to be for the better. But even then, time to love and be together is not indefinite...I see it run out on people every day at work and it makes it hard for me to not be judegemental of my H.'s need to throw our marriage away and do what he is doing right now.

Ok, enough of that. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by a case of major negativity. Got to get back to the positive, for me and my life regarless. Just feeling a little cynical today I guess.

travel...
Gosh, it is soooooooo funny how sometimes I don't even need to write my own feelings out because I come on here and someone has already done it for me. This is the case here...I TOTALLY feel you on this. I fell exactly the same way. The ups and downs...the positive /negative...and right on down to the wishing we could just get to a place where we appreciate the prescious time life has to offer.
For what it is worth...it helps to know that I am not alone. And you are not either.
I guess we cannot go up if we do not go down sometimes too. Ahh, the rollercoaster. For the last few days I have chosen not to get on...today I was pulled onto it and am trying to get off again. I believe we have a choice and we just need to be conscious of it...
Take care and thanks for journaling!!!

hey nicole,

thanks for writing. It does help to know someone else feels the same way. I always am amazed how that happens here.

you are right about the what goes down also goes up. and i guess we just have to ride the ride and see where it takes us :-)

thanks again

Hi traveldane,

Thanks for writing. I was feeling pretty down today also. I tell myself that things will start getting better, but lately I really haven't been feeling any better. For me, it's like the pain is so deep inside of me, like it's wandering around a foggy maze, ever evolving, but always there.

But we have no choice but to endure it. It's a wonder that I just haven't started getting bored with being so sad and lonely. I fake my GAL and PMA, so I would think that eventually after so many days of faking it that the power of mind would prevail over matter!

I always feel better after reading your post and the posts of other women whose husbands have left them. We chicks need to stick together through this! We will all get through this one step at a time!

Take care and stay true to yourself.

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 9 1/2 months
stepson 9
H left 3 1/2 weeks ago
No D filed

I remember that my first year of M was very hard b/c there was so many tramatic events that took place in our lives. If it had not been for our families and upbringing.....there is no way the two of us would have made it through what we did.

Both of you had a very rough time in just a short period. I do not think it is unreasonable to think it could still work out. I believe you are being realistic and hopeful. I encourage you to read the success stories in that forum provided by the board. Also, there are many that have moved on who did have successful outcomes in their marriages but did not continue to stick around, which we can understand that.

You will have days that you will feel very down and wonder why you bother to keep hoping to see something positive. That is normal and don't beat yourself up when it happens. I do want you to be active in doing something to help yourself when you have those days b/c it would not be healthy to just continue to live in a depressed mood. In the little time I have known you through this posting.....I believe you are the type person to do what you need to do to keep moving in a postive direction.

Glad to see you journaling b/c it does help. Remember to reach out to others here on the board b/c I think you have much to offer as the person you are.

Take care,
Sandi