Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My WAW and I separated

I agree the situation is different. I think you got some good advice to start with there. It is hard day by day, it seems you are doing pretty good so good for you. But it is a long road so take care of yourself too so you dont burn out.

I think it is good she asked 'what about us?' Also think its good she is open to talking/chatting with you, the reaction seems positive.

Try and keep busy in your spare time with things you enjoy or possibly stopped doing for yourself. Find some new activities, etc. Build your confidence as that will make you feel better and will be attractive to W.

How did you find your DB coach? Did this give you a lot of help? I am thinking about getting one.

I just called the line one day and asked for a phone session. Virginia said Jody was available and was very good. I have had 3 sessions with her and they have been very helpful. I recommend it highly. If I hadn't have gotten my sessions I would probably do a lot more wrong like pursuing.

Drew

Well I went by my W's and SIL's place to grab more of my stuff and catch up. I immediately started getting boxes together because I thought she had to get the SIL from work. She asked "hey aren't we going to talk?" So instead we went for a walk and mainly talked about family and work. There were times she seemed open and later she got a little more clammed up and acted aloof but morose. We got back to the apartment and she went on to pick up SIL. I packed boxes and my car while she did that. When they got back and I was done packing I went upstairs to their study area where they were watching TV and my W was sewing some crafts. I joined them and my W seemed to try to ignore me but our eyes kept meeting. I tried to chat with them both but it is hard to insert convo between 2 twin sisters. Especially them. I sat there with them occaisionally they would say something or I would. I got kind of mad since I wanted to talk to W without SIL being around. So I announced that I had to go ahead and go. When I went downstairs my W came down and was upset and said I thought we were going to talk? I went ahead and told her that I couldn't converse with her like I wanted to while SIL was around and I wanted to talk to her. So We sit down downstairs and try to chat. It is a little strained but it warmed up a little. My W seemed very morose most of the convo though and had this kind of pleading look in her eyes. I just acted casual and comfy and eventually she asked if WE (yes We) should go ahead and file. That confused me. It is like she is trying to use some of my strength to go through with this. I told her it was up to her to file. I said in my opinion we should just stay separated and see what happens. She said ok! I told her that my door was still open and that I did miss her (maybe bad but didn't say I love you). I told her she looked good and all her working out was paying off. She told me I looked good too. It did seem like there was a moment she was checking me out and after that she got really nervous, antsy, and more morose. I made sure I kept eye contact with her as much as possible btw. We were able to share some laughs as well and she did ask about my job promotion. There was a time when she got really cold and turned down the ac. I got the impression she wished she could be held but of course I didn't initiate that. I asked if she wanted to play some Rockband because doing something physical would warm us up. She said she didn't because she wasn't in the mood.. perhaps some other time. I did finally say I was going to leave and she followed me. I wonder if she hoped I would initiate a hug and I didn't. She said bye and said I hope inventory doesn't take too much of a toll on you (my store's inventory is tonight - overnight shift.. yuck). Anyway I think this went fairly well. I hope so and I am wondering if she is starting to miss me and wonder if she can go through with D. The reality of the sitch may just be setting in for her. Now then should I be kind of unavailable for the next few days??

Drew

Yep. Just keep busy.

Today has been a little rough. My sister is MIA. The local police found her car abandoned and out of gas. I've also been thinking a lot about the fact that my 1st anniversery is coming up. I am not even sure what to do but suspect I will treat it like another day. I plan on getting a phone session a couple of days before.

I did get out last night. It for the most part was fun but I was moody. I believe it is do to my weird schedule (inventory) and just need to get some more rest.

I do feel kind of good about how my W asked about D and seemed fairly eager to just be separated. She always seems to put the we word in her questions (what should we do, what about us.. when it should be what she wants to do). I guess somewhere in her head there is still an us wrapped around a whole lot of fog. Maybe soon I will hear should we get counseling.. hahaha!

I am feeling more detached now and the rest of the day will be good. On to work!

Drew

As per DB, what were goals that you wrote down.

How have you been GAL? What have you been doing for yourself?

That's the important thing.

Your W's twin is getting in the way of you two, but of course you can't bring it up because after all it's her twin sister. Have you actually talked about it?

Hi Drew,

I am thinking that this situation may be unique b/c of your W being a twin sister. Perhaps you could give us a bit more information about their relationship before this tragidy of the SIL's H. Also, how were you and your W getting along before all of this happen?

I can't help but wonder if your W is reacting to a codependency toward her twin. She sees her twin in a bad situation over the death of twin's H and in her attempt to be there for her twin, maybe she is "blending" into her sister too much. Does that make sense? Knowing a little background of their R would help to get a better idea of where they are with each other now. Were they always thought of and acted as very individual people or were they treated as if they were "one"? Some twins have a very difficult time separating themselves from what their twin is experiencing. If this is the case with your W, I am wondering if she felt guilty for being happily M when her sister has lost her H in death. I also see moving in together as more codependency. Are their parents still alive and do they live near by? Also, have they always had the same friends or did they go separate ways in making their friends, careers, hobies, etc.? Just trying to get a picture of their R.

How do you feel about your SIL? Do you see her as influencing your W's decision in breaking up with you? If so, do you think it was intentional or her reacting to grief and depending too much on your W as her main support?

I also am wondering about you, Drew. You sound very strong, but is that what I am really seeing in you? It concerns me that you do not "appear" more heart broken over this break-up when it has barely been a year of M. Is that due to pride or anger? Again, just trying to see how things really are in the stitch.

I would like to suggest that you stay on one thread until it locks up and then you just start another one. I'm not sure how it works, but each thread is allowed so much space and then it locks and we pick up our story on a new thread. No big deal, but it is hard to follow along if the thread is jumping around from place to place.

The more you can tell us, the more it helps us to understand the full stitch. Don't feel that you have to cover-up anything b/c we don't know who you are and we are here to help you figure this out and to give you support. So, lay your feelings out there and don't be afaid to talk about anything. That's not to say a 2x4 might come swinging..... but I bet you can handle that.

I want you to know that I am very interested in your stitch. I have a feeling that it may have to be treated just a bit different that the "general WAW"......but won't know until you give more details. In the meantime, be careful about appearing that you do not "care" at all about what she does or what happens in the MR. I'm not suggesting that you pursue her. Right now, the best way is to give her space and time to work through some issues. But the question I have is, "What are the issues in the M apart from her sister's tragidy"? Maybe I missed something in your posts that you can catch me up to date. I tried to read all of them.

This has been a very recent move and things are fragile, so don't over react to anything that is said from her or the sister. When you do see her, try to keep her separated from her sister when you talk with her. The twin does not need to be there in the same room when you and your W visit. In fact, it would be better to get your wife away from the house to ensure that the twin is not around.......if the two of you should meet just to talk. Don't make any rash decisions about getting a D. BTW, was it your idea to move out of the house or did she ask you to leave? Maybe I should look back over the posts, but am running short on time this morning and have to get ready for work.

Drew, I don't feel that a year long M has had much of a chance. A couple hardly gets to know each other (truly) in that short period. Did the two of you live together for any length of time before M? Sure would be sad to see this end b/c of somebody else's tragidy. Has she blamed you for any particular breakdown in the MR? It seems a bit vague outside of her twins situation.

Well, I've asked a lot of questions and will be anxious to hear your answers. I have to go for now, but will get back shortly.

Take care and post often to keep us updated.

Sandi2

Yes sandi she expressed that she was very sad that she had someone and her twin did not sometime in Jan. Sandi, I am a strong person but believe me when I tell you I am heartbroken. I am also still heartbroken over my BIL's death and now I am no longer be around the 2 other ppl that were most involved in that sitch with me. I have a sense I have to be strong because they are not and they have completely reattached each other to their hips, they are not getting IC, and they don't go too many places unless it involves exercise, parents, or errands. I think my wife is perfect for me in every sense. We laughed at the same things, were on the same mental plane, had so much in common, and physically were perfect for each other and our energy levels meshed as well. No not everything was perfect. She is a stubborn woman and a bit of a perfectionist. When I first dated her and moved in a little later I had to ask her to speak up all the time because she was a quiet mumbler. That was from the way she would talk to her twin. I finally worked that out of her a bit. It didn't help that I had auditory problems and problems focusing but we were on the road to compromise there. I also have ADHD and I would lose focus during conversation. But I always made sure I did my best to listen to my W. I showed love and compassion even if I didn't always seem like I followed the conversation or had to have her backtrack. I did have my boundaries established pretty well when she got critical or cranky with me. We always got through our arguments even if I acted passive aggressive and defensive during them (problems i need to work on). Incidently we dated 6 months and then lived together another 6 months before we got married. She asked me if we could get married and I told her yes. She asked me if we could live together after kind of waffling about it saying that she had a hard time living with anyone. She realized that she wanted me around on the nights she thought she wanted space but then missed me so in the latter month of our courtship she asked me to move in. Anyway, before this incident we were very happy with our M. We didn't go out much but we were pretty spontaneous and our nights were filled with laughter and passion.

About the twin. They looked and acted alike through high school. They relied on each other for friendship. IN college they started getting an identity from each other. Even had times they didn't hang out much. They still kept many common hobbies but at least they had some very noticeable differences in attitude, appearance, and lifestyle. The SIL moved to my town first and got a job and had been dating her H by then. My wife followed suit shortly after graduating but lived separately. My W got into a bad relationship with some guy and moved to another city for a week but then he treated her like she was absolutely non-existent during that week so she promptly left him and came back to my area. She found a place after saving up and we met 2 years later on a dating site in a rather serindipitous way. They have very similar frienships mostly due to the fact they went to school in a small town. The SIL had stronger friendships with some ppl though that my W was more casually aquainted with. But they basically ran with the same crowd. The parents are still alive and nearby. They visit them about twice a month. They are both a rather reclusive couple but have been together for years. They think highly of me. They also have a brother that is only 9 mos older. My W and sisters career are pretty different. My W works retail and is an artist and the SIL works in a hospital supply room.

As for my SIL she has depended on my W too much. She didn't want to get in the way of our R and even expressed that when we said we would all move in together. My W asked me to please take her in because she had no one else and pleased asked me to be strong because she claimed to not be all that strong. She told me the night of my BIL's suicide that she would be nicer to me and really valued our R (not that she was all that mean before IMHO.. that happened more between Feb - Apr of this yr). My SIL doesn't seem very happy about our breakup and even has tried to give advice. She just doesn't seem to get that my W and I have had little quality alone time in the last few months.

Other problems my W may have with me. I am sensitive and sometimes clam up if my needs aren't being met. I am very bad during a crisis. I am that way usually but usually finally speak up about it during normal situations. I also get defensive during arguments. I know she hates that. Also I am a skin picker due to compulsions. I am much improved over how I was as a teen or young adult but she admitted it drove her crazy. She was more critical about that after tragedy than before. I probably got worse because I was keyed up after the tragedy. Incidently, my ADHD meds and behavioral counseling have helped that immensly. During the bomb she blamed me for some things and herself for others.. she admitted the living sitch was probably a strain on our M.. Nothing really seemed like such a huge dealbreaker in her bomb... I admitted to her that all that stuff could easily be worked on and of course she got stubborn about it. I stopped that pretty quickly because I discovered DB almost immediately.

Anyway to sum it up it would appear my W just wants to be alone, escape, and not deal with anything right now. My SIL does too but she told me she was not keen on her trying to cut me out. My W admitted she wanted counseling 3 months ago but somehow that has turned into claiming she is not depressed and she doesn't need counseling. She is dysthymic btw so while she may be relieved that I am gone for now her depressive issue is untreated except for being on meds (with no counseling.. her meds are prescribed by a general practitioner)

anyway here is a quote from another post of mine about how our separation occured..

"
My W had hinted that I leave asking me if I had talked to friends and family. I took the initiative and told her that I was leaving on 5/22. She seemed stunned by this (said "what about us what do we do?) but I was not surprised because I know a WAW's behavior is never consistent. I left because I knew that was the only way she would be able to regain clarity, get her space, and perhaps wonder why she is driving the man who treated her better than anyone else in the past out of her life. I did this out of love for my wife and it is not anything I would have had the maturity to do in the past. Anyway, I think the problem is I let my boundaries slip with her during our crisis time involving her twin sister. It also seems like she and her twin want to just be with each other and she can't handle being in a marriage. My wife is dysthymic and I believe due to her poor self esteem the she thinks she is not cut out for marriage. Basically she feels smothered between marriage and taking on her sisters grief and somehow fell 'out of love' with me in just a few short months after her twin sister's situation."

Well, is there any other questions? I think I got everything out to the best of my ability for right now. I am pretty worn out now and have been kind of bummed after receiving a text from her (really late btw) when I would get the rest of my stuff. I was not quite ready to deal with that right now as I got a good bit of it 3 days ago. I didn't answer but will tomorrow. I will be too busy to get anything tomorrow and hope I don't anger her but she will just have to understand. Anyway, I teared up during the writing of this reply so I guess my strength only goes so far..

Oh my BIL died only 5 short months into our M. He and my SIL were married 6 months before that and I believe were together 3 years before that??

Drew

Sandi,

You might find it interesting to note that neither my SIL or my W has gone to see my BIL's headstone. I said something about that when we were able to catch up a week ago. My W was adament that she didn't want to see the headstone and seemed almost panicked when she expressed her dis-interest. I really can't believe that my dead BIL's own W hasn't gone to see his headstone yet.

Also, today on Facebook my W changed her R status from M to It's complicated (haha).. I wasn't too torn up about that as she basically is telling everyone who reads it "I am really confused.." I don't really want to change anything on my blogs or Facebook because one of my 180's is to not be on the internet too much. That was a minor problem in our R too but lately while I have been cutting back on the internet the twins have become full fledged internet junkies. Ironic. Anyway I am not doing that for her I am doing it to get in other activities like reading, physical activity, and job training.

Drew

Stuck,

I am in the process of redefining and refining my goals as I am beginning to think that the twin and the living situation (we are separated now) have more to do with this than my W and my issues with each other (Because are two years together and 1 yr of M really long enough for 2 ppl to be at odds like this??)

As for GAL I recently got promoted and have made a renewed effort at being enthusiastic about my job, I go to an IC, been reading more in general, staying off the internet and increasing the intensity of my physical activities, been outside a lot, and I have also been re-aquainting myself with old friends as well.

As for the twin the one time I did get to talk to my W for a long time in person I explained to her that I wanted to talk to her alone. I have not said anything about her getting in the way of our MR. Another piece of interesting info is one of my friends is actually kind of seeing the twin. Apparently, she had been asking a lot about my whereabouts and how I was doing. My friend put a stop to that thankfully.