Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

Cipa,

In my opinion she's lying about the attorney. She's pretending he's not doing what she's asking him to do so she doesn't have to listen to it from you. She's paying this guy- he works for her- and he's doing exactly what she's asked him to do.

She's keeping you close enough- she wants to be "friends" through this divorce. That is why she is playing the good guy here and making him the bad guy. Let her know if she wants to divorce you have no plans on being her friend.

PLEASE talk with your own lawyer before you end up getting the shaft. That's what she's setting up to do, IMO. Please get some legal help.

I agree. Looks like she's not being upfront.

CYA!!!

PMA

Kittyfish and PMA_Baby!

Thanks for looking out. I know that is a hazzard I need to watch out for that I'm so blinded by my feelings and zeal to save the marriage that I lose sight of protecting myself

I'm going to run through with my lawyer before I sign anything

We're actually back to "artificial harmony" mode. We talked this morning (I called and handled it like a friend call) to see how she was doing. She talked about work and about a bad dream she had and various other non-Relationship things. I just listened (ie from the NUTs book). We joked about a couple of things.

She then text me a few pics and we "texted" back and forth a bit about funny things

So I will see what she comes back relative to getting her lawyer under "control"

Please protect yourself!

Thanks Kittyfish

I will do that

Thank you for caring

That can be very unhealthy. How do you decide if you are treated fairly? Do you treat everyone fairly? Who judges you? Define fair. Do you think the world treats you fairly?
Do the work on yourself CIPA. You constantly look to find out what is wrong with your W and if she would just fix it then everything will be fine for you. Seek first to understand then be understood.

That's a very interesting question. My definition of fair...

Dang it - just when I thought I had defined a NUT

I will have to think about that as in retrospec, I don't feel like this situation is fair at all to the kids but I also know its not fair to "force" her to stay.

I'm open to other thoughts/opinions on fairness

Is there any reason why you called her? If it was just to talk, you really shouldn't have done it. It's almost condoning what she did the other day.

Maybe your W is bipolar.

But irregardless of that, keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

Hey CIPA,

I just had a revelation on my own post about compassion that Coach was able to help me out on. Since you had questions about that before, I thought maybe you'd like to check it out.

Hey stuck and CIPA,

sorry to jump in but this conversation gets at something I have been struggling to understand, sort out for myself lately. I see you both are dealing with it in your sitch so hope you don't mind me jumping in to ask.

what is the right ballance between empathy, giving people (mostly I mean the WAS) the time to work out their issues on their own time, validating their feelings and being their friend-the person they ideally will realize they don't want to give up-and also because it makes us feel better to conduct ourselves with grace and kindness AND responding to disrespectful inconsiderate treatment that not only hurts but indicates that we will except this?

How are we supossed to gauge if "doing something different" is to continue to rise above, be the better person, so they have less ammunition to justify thier anger at us, or if the doing something different required is to calmly but firmly address the disrespectful behavior? And, in switching up the doing something different, doesn't that then become waffeling back and forth so you never really get the full impact of either strategey?

I get so frustrated by the position we LBSs are placed in by manipulative or passive agressive WAS. I know that no person can make you feel a certain way, we control what we do for ourself and how we choose to respond, but if we are at the point where we want to drop the rope and have nothing to to do with them in response but still have ongoing issues (child swapping, joint financial responsibilities that can not be seperated immediately...) how are you supossed to respond when they are not acting respectfully. I feel like a little kid whinning...HEY, NO FAIR!