Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again First Piecing Thread

Yeah baby!!! Now if we could only beat the Red Sox!!! I'm beginning to turn into one of those old Michigan fans, who even if the team went 10-2 and went to (and won) a bowl game, wanted to fire the head coach cuz he couldn't beat Ohio State! If the Yankees can't beat the Red Sox, it's like I get no satisfaction from any of their other wins, nor their place in the standings!

My wife has done that same "pull-the-hand-away" thing. I hate that; it hurts.

Puppy

I'm probably one of those guys Pup. I don't care if Ohio State loses every game of the year, as long as they beat Michigan!

W has been ok this week, so far. Yesterday she had a hair appt after work and before I left work I sent her an IM asking if she was coming home or going straight there? She replied she was going straight there so I told her that I would see her when I got home from my haircut (later time) and a friend and I were going out for dinner and a couple drinks after that.

Well, lo and behold, who comes walking in after work? Yep, W. I said "I thought you were headed straight there?" and she replied, "I changed my mind, didn't want to get there and wait for 15 minutes".

Um....how bout after I said I was going out you wanted to come home and see me? I know it's stupid to think that. But a guy can hope can't he?

Hope...........Without hope we have nothing..........it become hopeless right?

Doc

Hope,

Yes we can all hope.
That probably is why she came home but, come on, did you really think she would admit that!

Happy trials down the path of limbo/laminality my friend(I really think thats where they are right now)
Rollercoaster Rider has a web site called midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com it gives great insite check it out.

JAK

Hey, sent you a message awhile back via email... are you EVER going to respond... LOL

JAK, Doc, thanks. Irish, I'll write when I have time. Work has been crazy busy. I haven't forgot about ya!

What's happened since Wed? Like I said (this is for you Pup!), something is holding her back. Wed night we went to "our" bar/grill, had a great time and she pulled the same move again. Sitting close, some body contact, but then pulls away. And it hit me hard. All these images and thoughts. I'm sure you didn't pull away when OM was touching you. You're getting everything you need and have a nice comfortable life and I'm sitting here bleeding from a gaping chest wound and you don't care one bit that your actions caused that bleeding. Stuff like that.

Thurs I just couldn't shake those images. Needless to say it was a bad day. Work sucked. Couldn't concentrate. Thurs night we went to the store and W was trying, but again, everything is perfect for her.

Friday morning I sent her an email. Didn't want to pressure her and didn't want to talk to her face to face cause I'd have probably exploded. Basically I said, something is holding you back, and I don't know what it is (even though I have ideas), I'm trying to be patient, but this is getting old, and it's terribly frustrating that you won't open yourself up to me. I told her I could take it, what ever it is, because I know that being honest with each other is the only way we can get to where we both want to be in our marriage. I closed with an "I love you".

Didn't hear anything from her all day. Last evening when she got home I was sitting on the deck and she messed around in the house, avoiding coming out side. Eventually she did, just as I got a work call. I had to go back into the office for a little bit. When I got home I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner, so we went to "our" bar/grill again.

Had a GREAT time. She didn't pull away from me or anything. Was REALLY talking about future stuff with US. When we got home we sat out on the deck for another hour, just talking. About midnight I told her I was going upstairs and.....she slept on the couch.

I know, I know. She felt like there was pressure and I was going to want to ML (which I did, but only if she wanted to) and that's why she slept on the couch.

So now I'm sitting here, she's upstairs sleeping, and I'm as frustrated as ever. I just don't understand what I have to do.

I just feel myself caring less and less. I fear it's getting close to my just not giving a flying F what happens, all just when it seems she's figuring it out.

Ok, that's about it. Comments?

H4U,

I can feel your pain oozing thru your post, and my heart -- literally -- aches for you. As a man with a LONG-term SSM, and who has also experienced the horrific pain of infidelity, I know how this feels. The rejection -- and the Ultimate Rejection -- eats away at your manhood.

Thoughts? Wow. That's tough. I guess my thoughts haven't really changed. Your wife seems to be one who does respond to whatever she HAS to respond to -- and nothing more. So my advice would be to make your Final Stand, and let her know that this IS one that she HAS to respond to.

Or you're done.

That's my advice, it's ALWAYS been my advice, and yet I realize that -- as you've rejected it -- you've been "right" in that you now have months and months and more months of some good times and some real good progress under your belt, that I wouldn't have had had I made a stand sooner. If and when you DO make your Final Stand, your wife will have much, much more to consider: more love, more shared experiences, more first-hand witnesses of your steadfast patience and unconditional love for her.

So, KUDOS to you, my aching friend, because you've done the right thing.

I just don't always think the same skills that it takes to get within 50 feet of the summit are the same ones that you need to scale the final piece.

You seem to want your wife to make this Decision on her own, and of course, that would be preferable. Because, if you're like me (and you seem O-So-Much like me!), you're thinking "What would it mean if I had a wife that only responded to my needs when she had a GUN to her head???"

I get that.

But at the end of the day, I'm coming to the growing conclusion that SHE IS INCAPABLE OF MAKING THIS DECISION ON HER OWN. I don't think she CAN make The Decision without either:

a. You making it FOR her; or

b. You at least framing the "four corners of the box" and letting her know clearly:

1. What the consequences are if she doesn't choose you, or if she chooses "continued limbo" and that the latter is unacceptable; and

2. That she has no more time to decide.

I do pray for you often, and for your wife. I will make that DAILY now.

Puppy

You said :



Excellent. That letter was excellently stated. I understand why you didn't do this face to face, but isn't that what you are needing? You need her to talk to you. She has a hard time doing this, and giving her the letter and then time to think about it is probably good. But, you do need to eventually talk about it. Face to face.



This statement is probably part of what is holding her back. If she gives you all of her and you decide you don't give a flying f and it is not enough and after she tells you everything and you aren't able to handle it, you ditch her. It's a huge risk and giving a bit but not all is keeping her heart safe. It is actually being safe with a lot of her emotions. What if she gives all to you and it is not enough for her either? It's all a risk. Like I always say, you need to communicate to her about this. You both need to take that risk. IT's a commitment as well. If you don't talk about it, neither of you have to commit to each other....you both have one foot out the door....just in case......

You may say you HAVE talked to her, etc. Well, let's just focus on this latest letter. You sent it to her because you must have felt it needed to be said. Why not follow up on it now? REALLY talk about it , get a plan set, some steps follwoed through, etc.

Hope,

we are soooooo much in the same place on the same page. Right when I am ready to give up she switches back to someone I once knew.
And those feelings about the OM are NORMAL. I know it is something that we will need to get over but we can not deny we have them.
I wish there was some way that our wives could understand it is a male Pride thing. It may be stupid but that is what it is.
Not to be crude but it's like the male dog that pee's on things to mark HIS territory. Our territory has been marked by some M.F.O.M
I agree with Pup. Yes we do need to make a stand but just look how far we have gotten without it. I am not sure about your sitch but I know if I were to have made a stand a year ago I would be divorced by now. You have been out of the loop on my sitch but last week I made a small attempt to make that stand. There were some tense moments and she did pull back a little but she is still here and things are back to "normal" in a good way.
I have been thinking that maybe waiting for them to make this "decision" may not be the right thing. I am going to start having more body contact myself.(I don't mean with myself) what I mean is that I am going to just frame my mind into thinking that we just started going out. I am going to just make my moves like I would if we were just "dating" and kind of make a joke of it as we go along. My wife is still sleeping in "her office" after a couple of margaritas and a little hanky panky I might say something about maybe we should go back to "her place"...
PS be careful at work you don’t want to me like me and only have one week of work left then unemployment

Take care buddy..

Doc

Hiya Doc,

I don't understand what you wrote. It seems to contradict itself??

I'll admit, this decision is damned tough for H4U, but he needs to do one or the other, no??

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL!

Puppy