Whenever H goes out at night, I will not leave the front light on for him. I had a problem with that for a while. Should I turn it on like I would have before this all started, or keep it off. I felt that by turning it on, I was consenting to what he was doing. By leaving it off, I felt like I was sending him a message that I didn't accept what he was doing. Granted he may not have been with OW everytime, but I left it off anyway.
It may sound caddy, but I felt in this way I was showing respect for myself.
mlj - thanks for checking on me. I had actually taken my kids and gone on a little vacation last week while my H had been out of town. We had a GREAT time and it was nice to be away from home and able to go long stretches of time without thinking about everything. He did manage to call us at least once every day we were all out of town to check in and we actually had some really good conversations. I let the kids call him once but otherwise he initiated all phone calls.
I am struggling since we all got home from being out of town because of the whole confusion issue. A lot of the time now he "seems" so normal and reacting to me normally and then something strange comes up. Again, I am having to get back into the whole detaching thing and try to remember "baby steps."
I also am not sure if there is an OW in the picture. I don't have proof either way but my gut tells me that there may have been a "friendship" going on that has stopped or at least diminished greatly. Again, I am not so naive that I don't think that I could be way off here.
I just couldn't believe your second post the other day, though, about the porch lights. Seriously, that is a question that has been going through my head for awhile now - whether to leave the lights on - so it was eerie (in a good way though) that you wrote that! I can see the porch lights from my window and he turns them off when he comes in so I know when he gets in. I KNOW that is not detaching and that I should turn them off like you suggested but that has been hard for me to actually do. He has not been staying out much until crazy hours lately, though. I am almost always up when he comes in now. Maybe I should try it and see what happens. Interestingly, he almost always at least sticks his head in my (so hard for me not to say "our") bedroom to let me know he is in or get something or see if I am awake or whatever before heading downstairs, no matter what time
I am learning daily more and more how to make the joy of the Lord my strength.:)
We all have those days. They do eventually taper off and come less often. Just breathe and remember that this too shall pass.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
It sure didn't help MY mood any when he came home for dinner (actually making it home for dinner is a positive, though)in one of his "moods," (again, where is my "normal", even keeled husband?). He ate with us but barely communicated and then went downstairs and shut the door. Nice. Still, at least I was able to be pleasant the little bit I addressed him at all.
Thanks for the reminder.:) I read a great devotional this morning from Rejoice Ministries but it hasn't yet soaked in - too many distractions! Some days are certainly easier than others. I should have known this would be one of those days when the past couple were good. I just tightened my seatbelt.:)
I'm thinking that I'm going to refer to you as Faith. After all, that's what we all need.
I was happy to hear that you also subscribe to Rejoice Marriage Ministries. It has been one of my GODsends this past year.
I think what I've decided is to just keep the seatbelt fastened. Not too tight. Not to loose. Just fastened. It's too much of a bother to have to fiddle with it all the time! lol
Good point about the seatbelt.:) I have been playing this whole thing by ear (and prayer) as far as my actions/reactions. So far it has worked out okay. I have been doing DB, GAL, detatching, etc. but have to go with the flow somewhat as well. He left after dinner to go to the gym supposedly and isn't back yet but when he is in these teenage angst moods it is a relief if he isn't here. At least I feel way more detached this evening than I did earlier.
One thing that keeps amazing me is that at work, etc. I don't think anyone realizes anything is "wrong" with my H. How is it possible for someone who is acting so polar opposite of himself put up such a good act elsewhere for long periods of time? They may notice some subtle things but who knows. I also know from what I have gleaned that his new "friends" are quite a bit younger than him and I also can't help but wonder if they ever sit and think about why this "old" guy would want to hang out with them. It is craziness!
