I haven't read it all. I'll try to catch up later this evening, and throw out an opinion! No matter what, my general advice is going to stay the same.... You can't cure his depression, you can't make him get help. Until he is ready to do soemthing about it he is stuck. You can choose not to be.
Hi Lost, where is you other thread? Here in newcomers?
It's not so much about what you WANT to do under the circumstances but what CAN you do? Can you force him to see you or the kids when he clearly chooses not to? And if you could, how would that be productive? Soooo, what CAN you do? I never faced such a situation myself but I have read a few stories similar to yours here. IMO, the only thing you can do is go on with your life, make it a good life for you and your family and stop worrying. I know it's hard but worrying didnt help any of us here while the opposite did, until some of the posters.
If you believe he is depressed then read about depression, it will give you some insight about timelines and yes, I agree with Jeff, it can take a looooong time.
I realise what you are going thru is VERY painful, but time is on your side, not against you. How is your D taking all this (more kids?), how are you coping finacially? I guess more info about you is on your other thread? Most of all, know that you will be fine and that everything turns out OK in the end. xxx K
I was in the same boat, obsessing about my spouse's actions. My therapist taught me how to manage the anxiety. Her message was to focus on healing, first, dealing with him later.
If it hurts to talk to him, send an email. If he only communicates through your lawyer, do the same. Lay people don't do well against attorneys.
If a spouse leaves their spouse but stays a part of the children's life, it's because of dissatisfaction with the marriage. If the spouse walks away from everything, I was told it's a midlife crisis, which is said to last 2 years from the time of revelation, usually an affair.
Look at the facts. He intentionally has cut off all contact with you and barely any with his daughter, is inconsistent with taking his medications.
This is a time to GAL. Turn the focus on what you can control, your life, caring for your daughter. Deal with your husband without explanations points. Take deep breaths and relax. Let him come to you.. it's his choice either way.
I used to have 'no spouse days' where I would intentionally not talk about him. They felt great. When I did have to deal with him, once I was done, I'd send him blessings. It helped ease the anger.
Learn to define boundaries. Have you therapist help you. Counseling and medication work for you. You want to be in a good place to make good decisions.
Parameters I use are:
If it feels right, the answer is yes. If it feels wrong, the answer is no. If you can't make a decisions or keep waffling, the answer is no.
Along with "What is best for my child is best for me."
If a spouse leaves their spouse but stays a part of the children's life, it's because of dissatisfaction with the marriage. If the spouse walks away from everything, I was told it's a midlife crisis, which is said to last 2 years from the time of revelation, usually an affair.
Really??
Not to be rude, but I totally disagree with this gigantic generalization. MLC is as different as the folks that go through it. No two are the same.
There are no timelines either, it lasts as long as it lasts.
I wish I knew the answer to your question myself! My husband has stopped calling me, blocked my calls, hasn't been out to visit in several weeks now. I miss him and our son is devastated. I know his pattern, he disappears for weeks at a time and then will just walk in the door one day out of the blue and act like nothing is wrong. I do my best to keep his visits friendly and non-confrontational, so why doesn't he want to spend more time with us, especially our son assuming he doesn't care about me anymore? I know he is a workaholic, but work is just no excuse, IMHO, to NEVER spend time with your family. And I refuse to take the blame for him becoming a workaholic, because my MIL has told me that he was like that at his very first summer job in high school, when he was only 16, and he's been like that at every job ever since. I just don't get it. I have been reading Kevin Leman's book Single Parenting That Works, and in it he states that if your spouse wants to be involved in your children's life on a regular basis, by all means let them and don't try to alienate your kids from them. But he also talks about an "in and out" parent who only visits once in a great while, and he says this is worse for the kids than just about anything - it destroys their self-esteem - and if at all possible, you should keep the kids contact with such a spouse to the very minimum possible.
I saw your post on K's thread and thought I'd stop by. I see a couple of OTs have arrived before me (hello Handsome, K, Mish et al)
7 months in is definitely not that long. I read your original post and it sounds to me as though your H is having some kind of crisis type event. In most MLC cases there's a big component of depression....
Have you read DR? During MLC, or in dealing with a depressed spouse Michelle recommends that you focus on yourself while they make their way through their issues and feelings and work out a way to handle what they're going through. In Ali's case, and in mine we both focussed on trying to be good friends to our partner. Ali was (is) a great example of being a supportive friend to her BF while not pursuing and that sounds like a great strategy to follow in your sitch...be there if he needs you but don't call/pursue/expect anything from him. In the meantime you also need to build a happy life for yourself because 7 months is really just the beginning if it's depression- these situations can go on for years and 2 years and more is certainly not unusual. I remember reading one case that took 4 years to come to a reconciliation.
Patience is the key. And you might want to read the 6 stages of MLC which talks a bit about depression aswell. I think this is the link in case you haven't seen it already.
Heck.. that's not rude in the least bit. I always saw it as a benchmark, not an absolute; some type of explanation of how a husband and father walks away from everything (children included) built over a lifetime.
I'm trying to remember if I read the two year from revelation tidbit in Divorce Recovery.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
