Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How Do You Forgive?

Just an update... H has called me about 5 times today. I have NOT been pursuing him with any calls or emails. I'm taking this as a good sign b/c he said "I know that what I did was wrong. I know this has caused you a lot of pain and I don't like to see you in pain. I just want to make amends.."

I do believe him that he's severed all contact w/this horrible person. I thank GOD that I discovered things before they had a chance to escalate (mostly her motivation I think). She's a really sick person.

Tomorrow we are sitting down to rationally discuss all of the options. Financially, divorce is not an option. But where does that leave us?

Hi, thanks for your post. Hmmm...yes, something to ponder but it only put me back into emotional chaos. Wish that I had had those responses from him. He did buy me a single rose and when I found out about the therapist, he followed me all over the house like a puppy, wanted me to sleep in the same bed with him (he's slept in the guest bed for 2 1/2 yrs now b/c of a sleep disorder and my snoring), and we even made love b/c as he says, he thought it might help us to reconcile.

He doesn't know if he wants to work on the marriage. That is the kicker! I think his aggressiveness has been b/c of this as well as guilt that he hurt me, but not the kind of guilt that would come from a true PA or EA. He still insists that he didn't want anything more than a friendship from this woman, though some of his actions contradict that don't they?

The reason he doesn't want to get her into trouble is b/c she has three kids. He doesn't want her kids to suffer if she loses her job. My C says, "Well, what about you and your son?" I think H is also worried that it will just escalate into a lawsuit or who knows what. He used his work email and phone to contact her, etc. I think also b/c he was going to therapy appts. during the work day. So there are some other things, that if we were to pursue this, might get my H into trouble with his job. In his mind, just putting this behind us (easier for him!) is the best course of action.

Sorry, red flags on this one. Her losing her job is their fault, not yours- do not let him guilt you into that. What she is doing is highly unprofessional- given her occupation. She is seeing people who are emotionally unbalanced and it might even go further next time. She could prey on someone else.

I'm telling you- if he's telling you he doesn't know if he wants to work on the marriage- and that if you expose their affair it's over between you??? Huge red flags. All cheater say those things.

Truth of the matter- your marriage can survive him being mad over exposure- it cannot survive when he's in an affair.

He should have thought about getting in trouble before he betrayed you.

Ack...I hear you but I am trying to be rational with all of this and not think the worst. My H has always been faithful to me. He is a good person. Last night we talked for 2 hours about this "friendship." He insists that nothing happened and doesn't understand why I can't believe him! He gets so angry b/c I won't believe him and keeps saying that "I'm never going to forgive him, never going to stop bringing it up, and he can't live like that." He even told me to go have an affair to "level the playing field." I was like, "What?" If nothing happened between you two, why would you say that? What am I supposed to think? I'm so confused.

ITA with you about reporting the therapist. It's just a mess. She called me when I told her I was going to report her to the state licensing board. She started to say "I promise you that I have never done this before..." I cut her off and said "Don't promise me...promise all of your future clients." I just can't live with this, but H expects me to and now expects me to accept a possible divorce too? He keeps saying that he doesn't want to make the situation worse. I'm in a lose-lose situation and she gets to keep her "happy" marriage, her job and her family. Meanwhile, mine gets destroyed. Yeah, that's fair.

Let me tell you, I had an affair myself and what he's saying could have come out of my mouth.

I would bet money that they have been physical. What did the emails say? A man doesn't want to divorce his wife unless he's got extra tail lined up on the side or is lining it up. Sorry to be so blunt but really, he's lying.

Regardless of him. Report her. It's irresponsible not to do so.

It breaks my heart to hear this. I guess it's over then. I can't be with someone who could do this to me and our son.

Here is the email, word for word:

Hi, [Husband's name]. Hmmm..I'm not sure what happened there [I got her to email me with a new account.] Anyway, I will try again and hope this one goes through. I thanked you for your card/letter and wrote that I had very little time to write much. I am in that same boat now, since I need to get home. You really lifted my spirits today [he saw her in her office, supposedly] and made me feel so much better just by being with you. As I have said before, I view you as a gift. I am so grateful that you entered my life. Sometimes I feel such heartache by not being able to talk with you or be with you as much as I want to be. Sometimes this just rips my heart up. Most times, I feel lighter, brighter, happier and content when I am with you. I wish that this wasn't so complicated, but it is. I don't know how to make it easier, but I also know that I can't walk away... I will call tomorrow when I stop by the office. Much Love, [Her Name]

I think I am kicking him out tonight. The more I read this, the more I feel duped.

Listen to your heart. My H said these same exact words to me, even to encouraging me to sleep with someone else... it took months of arguments, but he finally did come clean. He was also afraid that I would never stop bringing it up, and it was an issue for awhile, because as soon as he confessed he felt better, and I was in terrible pain. That's where forgiveness comes in. And time...

I think I am going to throw up. We never use condoms. What if he exposed me to something?????

Puppy, if you are out there, what is your take on the email? Help!

all i can say is dont make any decisions while angry. think it out.

do u really want to throw him out? are u sure u cant move past this?

it is extremely hard, but think really hard, because if he goes and in 2 days u are sorry, then what?

i would take some time to decide your course of action.

if u know for sure, in your heart, that u cannot move past an affair, and not everyone can, then u know what to do.

my point is this - everyone thinks they know what they would do, when it happens to someone else. but then it happens to you.

try to digest it all before u make any decisions.

its not easy.