Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Fire's burning out...just smoldering

You're right SO2. There is a lot going on. My Bday, K's Bday, looking for a new job, money is tight, I just filed the CS papers with the state (and I still feel bad about having to do that. My Mom thinks it's because I know he'll be angry and take it out on me. But, so what. It's not like I haven't been there multiple times). The divorce will be final this month. Just a lot to cover in June. June, which is supposed to be the best month of the year (it's our birthday month) j/k. I do, however, think OW must be feeling some insecurities if she is going so overboard to talk about her life with H and how wonderful it is. Come on...2 years in and you still talk about it like it's perfect. Hard to believe. But, maybe it IS wonderful...who knows. But, if it is so wonderful, then how come he can't call me when she is around? Whatever. Don't give a sh!t. It's Thursday. MIL is in town, going to dinner with her tonight. BBQ tomorrow night. Saturday, work around the house getting ready for the birthday party. Sunday...rest and play with my daughter.

Sounds like a great weekend planned. You have your perspective back.

Your going to have a great weekend!

What bday plans do you have for you and K?

I'm taking K to the Aquarium of the Pacific on her birthday...the 18th. My Mom, MIL, FIL, her godmother, my niece and nephew are all going. I invited H. But, he probably will do NOTHING for her on her actual day. Whatever. He is supposed to be having a birthday party for her on the 13th. That should be interesting. The only people that will be related to her will be H and BIL that will be there. The rest will be OW's Friends. Then on the 20th I am having a party for her BBQ catered by Naples Ribs, swimming, sun. All her family including MIL, FIL, and BIL. All her cousins and a lot of my friends that have been a big part of her life, will be there. There will be about 50 people. I'm excited.

As for my birthday...don't care. I think we will go out to dinner, but other than that....I don't need anything. I told everyone to not get me anything, just use their money on K's birthday.

So, last night, I went to visit MIL and her best friend. It was nice. We had a nice dinner and talked. I got there before MIL. Her bf told me that H had come to the house with the baby a couple of weeks ago to visit MIL (MIL stays with her when she comes into town without FIL). Bf told me that it was very uncomfortable. She says that she understands that he is MIL's son, but she is very disappointed in who he has turned into and how he has treated me. She asked how I was doing with it all. I told her I was "great". That my life is really good. I focus on K and I just dont feel the same about H anymore. I told her that I basically gave up on trying to make him be who I wanted to be. So, now I just don't really spend too much time worrying about his life.

MIL told me that H got another tattoo. He got K's footprints with her name and DOB tattooed on his left calf, the day after she was born. So, now he has his son's footprints on his right calf. So, it's great to see that H can afford tattoos, but not CS, formula or diapers or to help pay any of the debt he left me with.

Today I DO NOT feel bad about filing those DCSS papers. I feel totally justified, now. And, if he starts barking about it....believe me, I have amo to throw the blame right back at him. One of these days, I will have enough of an argument to make him take responsibility for his BS.

2 X 4's are needed.

Okay, H just called me at work. He called to ask me when the D papers are going to be filed. I told him that I would be doing it on my day off probably the 18th. The he said, "Are you going to be home tomorrow night?" I said "Of course, you're bringing K home at 6pm, right?" And, he said, "Yes, but I didn't know if you wanted me to bring her home or take her to your brothers." I said "No, bring her home. Why don't you want to bring her home?" He said, "Yes, I do. I was just asking. So, you wanna have some fun tomorrow night?"

I don't even know what to say anymore. I said, "H, could you be any more insensitive? You call me at work to talk about the D. Then you ask me to have sex with you." He says "So, how is that insensitive?" Is this guy delussional? Seriously? Can anyone be this ridiculously clueless? So, then he says "Well, you wanna?" I said "No. You're with someone else and when you do this, it makes it difficult for me to not be confused and it makes it hard for me to move on." To which he replied "Fine. Whatever."

Okay, so why is it so hard for me to just say "No. F off."? I feel like he is going to get mad at me or stop wanting me or what? What is it? I logically know that it's not that he wants ME. He just wants someone to have sex with. I don't feel any warmth from him, when we are together. Occassionally, there will be a small little spark. Like he'll get really close and I think, for a split second, that he is going to kiss me. But, he doesn't. That's fine. But, it is weird. I just don't know exactly how to behave when he comes on to me that way.

I mistakenly think, sometimes, that his interest in me means he still cares and loves me. But, logically, I know this is not the case. I don't think he knows how to love anyone, really. Then I start to speculate that maybe there is trouble in paradise. But, this can't be the case because he has been doing this since he walked out on me. In the beginning, I indulged it. I regret that. Because I feel it set in his mind that I was willing to be second best. I AM NOT. Not any longer.

So, anyone have any advice on how to handle his come ons without making him think I am not remotely attracted to him, but to let him know that I will not be his booty call.

I'm fine until he starts playing this game.

"Hey, when will our divorce be final? Wanna F**k?"

Hes asking because you (and I) have given into these guys in the past. He wants the ego lift that he is still wanted by you. I wouldn't tell him that it confuses you when he does it or he will do it more. His head already can't fit thru the door, why make it any bigger

Blowing him off like he is pond scum will drive him madder than making him think he is still wantable in your eyes.

Have a great weekend! Text me if you can.

I'm so sorry. One of my good friends is going through this. Her H is not filing for divorce but maintains his own apt and comes over when he wants to get lucky.

You're doing very well- even if you think you aren't. Haven't read all of your threads but is your H a sex addict?

Kitty - he is. We went to pre-marital counselling because he was spending a large amount of time watching porn on the internet AND at home. Now, I am no prude. I don't mind porn once in a while. It can be a turn on when you aren't so turned on..if you know what I mean. But, he was doing it everyday. I told him it bothered me and all he did was hide it. So, we went to counselling to deal with it. She said that she thought he was a sex addict. So, Yes. He is a sex addict or a 30 year old male with a ton of testosterone. I didn't want to be judgemental or over analyze the sitch. So, I guess it was just one of those red flags that I overlooked.

He does show signs of being a SA- but I'm not a doctor.

B - checking a bit late. But I recognize the behavior, my H was the same -confused me too. My H and I are super attracted to each and love each other no matter what to both our surprise, however, I did enforce no sex once I realized the pattern. I too was afraid of his reaction, and fearful that he would seek another but I just stood my ground for my own self esteem. I know it is hard, but it is supposed to be a bonding mechanism so it either bonds you to a negative R or a positive one depending on your choice.

Is A involved as well?