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IL,
Just a quick note, trying to get off the computer soon--

I'm not good about boundaries; I mostly just left my H alone to do whatever he wanted. The problem I had with the idea of boundaries was that most of the things I wanted, I knew really weren't under my control, such as wanting him not to bring OW to the house to stay there while I was out of town. I realized by the time that happened that there was no point to even asking him for anything like that, because I couldn't trust him in the least to keep his word, even if he would agree to it (after all, if he could be counted on to keep his word, OW wouldn't be in the picture in the first place), and I couldn't count on him telling the truth about it later (apparently MLC makes him think I'm stupid and wouldn't find out about his shenanigans if I cared to). So there was basically no point to trying to set a boundary like that. You need to save your energy for battles you have a prayer at winning.

Oh, and my H went from maybe 10 texts/month on his phone to 300+/month when he met OW. We had tickets to a big theatre production the day he got back from meeting her in person for the first time (the bomb happened when we got home from that show, later that evening, and I found confirmation that he had just spent 4 days in a hotel room alone with her), and I later discovered he texted her during intermission while I was standing in line for the ladies' room. I remember another time shortly after that when we were in a restaurant, and I got up from the table to "freshen up" (as they say). I had caught on to his antics by then, and when I had gotten across the room, I turned around to look back at our table, and I was upset (but not at all surprised) to see that he had pulled out his phone and was holding it just under the table to text her. I also found out from snooping (not a good idea; avoid it if you can) that he was talking to her the entire time he was driving to and from work, or really anywhere for that matter, and most of every evening, at least 2 hours every single day, on top of the blizzard of texts. It got so that I wanted to take a hammer to his phone every time I saw it. It would have been better than what I wanted to do to him personally, which involved big knives and Lorena Bobbitt. So...yeah, hiding their phone/text habits, par for the course. It's like they think you won't notice. Again...I always had the temptation to say, "Have _you_ become stupid, or have you just decided that _I_ am?"

Oh, and lately he has complained about me "avoiding" him when he calls because I don't normally answer. I didn't bother trying to explain that I don't answer _most_ of the calls I get, regardless of who's calling, because I get so few that it's not worth keeping the phone nearby. It's pointless because he would just think I was making excuses to him. This kinda goes along with the time period during which I was just starting to get that sick suspicion that something was really wrong. I looked at his phone when he wasn't around (which had never been an issue for him before), and later when I mentioned something innocuous about that, he just about went ballistic that I had looked at his phone--it was so out of character for my normally laid-back H that it was one of those big red flags for me (in addition to what I'd found on the phone when I looked, which I didn't mention to him). So...more paranoia and overreaction about the phone (a.k.a. umbilical cord to OW), yep, par for the course.

I think it might be worth your while to set up a separate account that he doesn't have access to. I'm not a big fan of hiding things from one's spouse, but if you're only spending the money on things to help your M (like DB coaching), it's nothing to be ashamed of, although you have to be careful to be honest with yourself about it...deception/hiding has its few moral uses, but it can be a very slippery slope. However, it's not like hiding shopping sprees...or spending on OP! Definitely DO NOT do anything that could reasonably be expected to lead to him finding out about DB or this site!!

Good for you about having no intention of leaving your home or even your master bedroom. Don't be mean or rude about it, but don't let him try to guilt you (or whatever) into leaving either.

I think that keys for you will be 1) learning to detach, and 2) learning how to take a time-out when you aren't detached enough, so that you don't do/say anything you will regret later.

Well, so much for that quick note... It's 11:45 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast yet today (that being the term for the first meal of the day, whatever the hour or meal composition), nor have I made it into the shower yet, so I'm really going to get off of here now...

Take care of yourself!

Peace,
Dawn

Concerned,



You hit the nail on the head with these two things.

1) I've got to become fearless enough to lose the M.
2) In order to do that, I have to let go of my codependent ways.

What are my fears? I'm still soul searching on this one. I'm fortunate to have a well paying career, so I can be financially independent and pretty much take care of everything anyway, so the fear isn't really about being single or even alone. I think the fears are more about losing all I've ever known as the love of my life (H and I met at 16 and have been together since) and also about the control I allow H to have over my feelings (ultimate co-dependent, I know). I'm growing and working on the co-dependency, but it's a hard habit to break. With H still in the house and still much of the time acting "as if" we're still a family (doing things together, vacationing, ML, etc.) I slip right back into the codependency. I know with MLC he's not going to act rationally, so the obvious answer is that I have to set boundaries to protect myself and help myself to drop the rope and move on. Lately I had been thinking that would be easier once he left, but now he's decided he's not going to leave. On one level I guess that's good news, but on the other it makes things more difficult. I'm sure you can relate.

Funny you mention dancing as recently H took that up and I really took it hard because he excludes me from it (even before bomb). It just seems to me that if you're taking lessons to do something that is a partner thing (partner of the opposite sex), it's a real slap in the face for the spouse not just to be excluded. Am I being too sensitive about that?

Take care!

Dawn,

I read your post and just had to LOL. I could just about cut and paste a lot of it as my own story. Man, these MLC guys are cut from the same cloth!

I don't have much time right now, but wanted to say thanks for posting. I've been reading and catching up on your post. TWO YEARS you've been going through this?!?! Wow. Our M has been struggling for many years, but not in full blown crisis like it is now. I'm not sure I have the endurance or patience or want-to that I'll need to do this for two years. But I guess you don't really know until you're faced with it. I never thought I could do alot of the things I do these days.

Thanks again for posting. Sometimes it gets so lonely online when you're just wanting someone who gets what you're going through. I don't have any friends who are single and nobody that's ever been through this so it's nice to come here to read, learn and vent. Although I find myself venting a bit too much these days. Need to get more positive. Maybe after my PMS has passed.....

Have a great evening - hope you get some sleep tonight!

Limbo
Your doing really well
It is very hard living with the craziness
when my xh moved out our home became peaceful
there was so much tension during the 4 months post bomb before he left.
My xh never had any physical contact with me after bomb
no hugs, no nothing
that would have been hard to deal with
its a long haul and only in time will you heal, or truely know where all this craziness will lead

as you see and rerad, the great news for most of us lbs is we
grow transform and change
we learn how to be truely happy
that is a priceless gift, I believe from God who sees our hearts and know how hard we have worked not only to stabilize our M, but to follow his will and heal our brokeness
peace

Peace,

Thanks for the encouragement. Tonight has been a difficult night. H brought up R talk and said I should have no hope for us and that he has contacted a L. He plans to divorce, but wants to resolve his DUI first. Meanwhile, he does not plan to leave the house as he plans to keep it and he's also refusing now to leave the bedroom. It has just all become way too real tonight and I'm realizing how much I've been fooling myself. Even without OW, which he is still denying and lying about, we'd probably still be where we are today. I cried like a fool tonight. I will mark tonight as the official end of our current M. If something is rebuilt in the future, it will have to be a R from scratch. Tonight is the end of our 22 years together. Tomorrow I will consider myself on my own.

Yes, I need to learn how to be truly happy. I've seen flashes of that without H, but physically being around him and getting sucked back in takes me backwards instead of forwards. I know God has a plan in all this and I pray that it's to somehow make His way into H's heart. If that happens, all the pain will be well worth it even without our M being restored.
I'm hurt and angry tonight and have cried until I can't breathe. Will I ever be able to face H and discuss R without feeling this way?

I know in the grand scheme of things OW doesn't matter (if it IS or IS NOT an EA). But the lying is what gets me. If he's leaving anyway, I just wish he'd be man enough to fess up and stop looking me in the eyes and lying. I know it's typical MLC and I also guess he's protecting her so I don't run to her H or whatever. I do have to say it's tempting at times to do just that. I do not want to see another marriage ruined by all this, but my motivations would not be that pure and those actions would not reflect who I want to be. And now is the time to work on being who I want to be. I've spent the last 22 years living co-dependently trying to please someone else. Now is my time to listen to God's will and follow it to who I'm supposed to be. Brave words in the middle of the night...the key will be implementing them in the morning light.

I'll continue to use DB, but now it's less about busting and more about surviving and rising up from divorce. It's about me, no longer about him. It's taken hitting bottom, but now I'm finally getting that.

No longer in limbo, but still living in limboland.

Yes we do get to the point where the R no longer bothers us
where we can realize it might be for the best
and better than we ever imagined without M
our true purpose I believe is to grow, become spiritual, love be authentic, live in moment
all R have to come second sometimes we may have to lose M to find ourselves
and yes..possibly for some of us, the opportunity to restore M will happen
so in truthwe win either way
its just a painful process
but pain brings the real change we are really wanting within us
peace

I'm dealing with a lot of anger today. This is new for me as I've mostly been hurt and not so much angry. Maybe the anger will help me detach?

My latest book I'm reading is on co-dependency. I've always heard the term and sort of labeled myself as such, but now am really seeing how it has impacted me and our M. I believe H is co-dependent as well and we've made quite a dysfunctional pair. There's a part of me that's looking forward to moving on, finding myself and how to break out of this unhealthy cycle and take full responsibility for my own happiness.

Peace - your quote about the pain bringing the change makes me picture a cocoon with a beautiful butterfly emerging. I can't wait to see my new self when I've finally emerged from this cocoon of craziness.

IL,
Do you have a therapist? If not, would you consider starting with one? I think you're ripe for working on yourself and making some positive changes.

Having a therapist complements the support you receive on this board. It helps to stabilize you, as our situations are so unbalancing initially, until we mobilize ourselves, develop some autonomy, and start setting some boundaries.

CL

Limbo,

I think dealing with the anger helps you to detach, not necessarily being angry. What do you do that helps you cope with it?

If there is any way you can work with a counselor even for a bit it helps you and ultimately your sons.

We do what we think, so in the light of day, what do you think?

HUGS

I've seen our MC a couple of times one on one. If H does not plan to continue, I plan to continue in IC. If by chance we do contineu with MC, I have an IC that has been recommended to me. So, I guess the answer is that I have been talking with a C in a limited way and plan to continue to do so on a more regular basis.

The anger may have been repressed, but is just now coming out in full force. What am I doing with it? Today I'm trying to sort my thoughts out and begin to plan. I am also continuing my new exercise goals, which should help with the stress. Any tips for constructive ways to deal with the anger?

In the light of the day, I'm still able to see that I will be ok and that this is not all about H but about me becoming who I'm meant to be. I'm thinking about a new start. Let's see if I can make it through the night to tomorrow still focused on that.