You seem to be facing the same "should I stay or should I go" conundrum I faced many months ago...
I don't have advice re this but I'll tell you about my experience and it might help a bit...
As you're experiencing my W got to the point where she seemed to "hate" me -seemed to resent me to the point of not wanting to breathe the air I breathed...this became a really poisonous atmosphere and badly affected our son...I really couldn't do anything right.
She wanted me out of the house and it couldn't be soon enough...my self esteem, fragile as it was took a real beating and it was devastating to see our son caught up in the middle of it...
The choice seemed to boil down to either I went or she would - with our son and that would have seen him even more up-ended than he already was - one thing I did manage to see through the fog of that period was that it was important for him to stay in his "home", with his friends close by and going to his school - IOW for him to experience as little disruption as possible...as great a Dad as I am I couldn't see how I would be able to hold down a full time job while sorting out school drop-offs / pick-ups etc etc, after-school activities at the same time...my W works p/t and had a great network of friends / other mums etc as a consequence of this...
At the same time I hugely resented the choices on offer.
Mainly out of my wish to ensure that our son was not hurt / disrupted any further I made the decision to leave...at the same time, for a few months preceding this my W had developed a relationship with another man. It meant that for a goodfew months we were separated in the same house and with me, not knowing at the time, but facilitating this R.
At no point did I try the hard approach advocated by some on these boards...I made moves to find and buy a new place - of course this process took longer than expected -that's the way these things work - my W thought I was deliberately dragging my feet - at no point was this ever the case though...
Since I moved W and I have now got to the point where we co-operate fully on all issues concerning our son -he spends pretty much equal time with me as he does with my W - sometimes more nights each week with me than with my W.
Some saw it at the time as me appeasing my W and to outside observers I'm not surprised but it has been the best move for me -I have gained my self-respect and confidence as a Dad - in fact, if I say so myself - I'm a bloody brilliant Dad! And if my W was pushed to give comment she would say the same -I'm not sure any of that could have happened if I had dug my heels in and stayed.
I have observed, although this is an entirely personal view - and with absolutely no slights intended to anyone, that the folks who advocate staying put tend to be from the US, while those who are less certain and "on the fence" tend to be from the UK..at least in the threads I have followed. I don't know for certain if this is true, but having been here for 2 and a half years this seems to be the case to me time and time again...I haven't developed any theories to explain this but there does seem to be "cultural" difference - and in saying that I am not in any way saying one or the other approach is better or "more right".
What I would observe though is that your actions play out in reality in the particular environment, situation, country, culture you live in and IMO you need to bear this in mind when looking at your options...DBingsometimes loses sight of this as in a sense being here its easy to lose yourself into "pure principles" or getting advice / input from folks who very definitely want to help, but whose "schemas" are influenced by a different culture.
Mark its vital to take on-board as much input and advice available - but what I think I'm trying to say is - do your very best to consider all of that against the background of your actual and real situation.
I have enormous, enormous respect for everyone that pitches in on these boards to help fellow DBers and I would hope never to dismiss any of that advice / input / 2 cents etc etc , but as I said up-thread, there are country-centric differences that need to be considered too...
Supporting, listening, questioning, validating, challenging etc is for me what these boards are best at...specific advice (do this, do that) is for me less helpful...
To be honest I do not anywhere else to go, so going back to the marital home is the best choice for me at this time.
I am fully aware of the children's upheaval as they are my prime concern. I feel comfortable in my decision to return as they are going to my W's parents home which is just around the corner. We used to house sit during the summer in the past, and the children have their own rooms with toys there. This is not a problem for them at this time.
Also, when I have them on weekends they will be returning to their own home, so I believe with the situation at the moment I think it would be better for them to be coming back to their own rooms, rather than a flat that they may feel uncomfortable about.
This is not some sort of 'get back at my W' situation, it merely allows me to come home, it keeps the overheads down, and it keeps a degree of normality for the children.
I agree it is not an easy decision. The easy decision would be for me to try and find a flat, and to appease my W in the process. There are too many pro's against con's not to return, I just hope I am making the right decision for my children.
Thank you for the Cognitive Dissonance link, I will check it out.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Couple of things...I was told this by a very wise eclesiastical leader... IF you are home a couple of things can happen. 1. children will not be upset. 2. your wife could use the help. 3. It will give you a chance to work on patience, not run away from it. 4. you can work on being the friend your wife has been craving. 5. keep improving yourself.
Leaving always seems like the best answer because it is easiest. The Hard road is often the best. Remember this is a Marathon not a sprint. This is a part of scripture that you can put on your wall, or in your wallet.........and bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success".
Cheers
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
I wasn't challenging your decisions at all - instead I was hoping to point out that there are subtleties to everyone's situation which can be steamrollered by DB principles...
you certainly sound as if you've done some deep thinking on this
You've been wearing your swanky new "Anticipation Cloak" for a while now - and if I may say so -it rather suits you sir!!!
So knowing you have an answer for this - what happens after the summer?
Not wanting to labour my point above, and with the greatest of respect to all:-
And this is all from my experience...not wanting to suggest that it will be identical or even resemble anyone else's...
1. children will not be upset.
My son was very upset, being in the middle of his mum and dad who were trying their best to be up-beat and cordial around him but could see no respect or semblance of friendship between them.
2. your wife could use the help.
My W resented any help I tried to offer - and when she accepted it, did so begrudgingly and not at all gratefully. "Too much too late". Also I think that my W failed to recognise much of what I sorted "behind the scenes" - - staying put was hardly going to make her wake up to that...when I tried I was seen as belligerent!
3. It will give you a chance to work on patience, not run away from it.
I became a Jedi Master of Patience - but in the face of indifference verging upon hate and this killed any shred of self respect I had...she had an affair for 2 years and when that was killed post-bomb she still went out and found herself another man...
4. you can work on being the friend your wife has been craving.
Maybe - but my W was closed to getting her love bucket filled by me - ...instead she found another provider...at that stage - with me in the house I was in no fit state to offer my W a better alternative.
5. keep improving yourself.
I tried -really really tried with the whole GAL business - but while I was there it looked and was false...embedded in false hope for a turn-around - again "too much too late" and not at all convincing...
Like I said above - what appear to be sound principles are easily disproved in reality...
So...what went wrong?
I stayed, I helped, I GALed, I was a friend, I had patience...
All the ingredients were there?
No...
None of that showed CONFIDENCE and ME...for me staying in the house further embroiled me in a longer protracted spiral of self destruction - and became further ammunition in my W's armoury.
Like I said up-thread - the power of the DB boards is to challenge, question, validate, provoke thoughts/ideas and clarify - not to say to do this or that...
The decision to do this or that has to be well and truly left to the individual...
I hope I didn't offend you in regard to my decisions. I have thought long and hard as this will severely test what we have as a R.
I know for a fact my W will kick and scream and may well consult her L again, and in the past I would have folded to appease my Wand not offend her in hope of reconcilliation.
The worm has turned as the old saying goes, but I will do this without malice, spite or anger. I will remain calm, not engage and as Puppy says 'do what I think is right if God was standing in front of me' if I remember rightly.
I am not doing this to spite my W, but I believe it is the right thing to do for my children. Financially, it also makes economic sense as we would share the mortgage and bills rather than paying for a flat and the marital home.
My W has lost all sense of reason as the only thing she wants is to be in the house without interference from me. She has a 4 bedroom house to go to which is empty and the children love it there and it is only around the corner.
I will let my W lose control and indirectly I am starting to regain some self esteem, clear decision making, and clarity without the emotional side getting in the way. I know this is getting to her but I have to do what is right but remembering to keep my emotions out of my decisions.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
