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Weekend update:

Another quiet and separate weekend after a week of the same.

Friday night we went to a fun, very social neighborhood party with the kids. Lots of great people there - Mrs. Thinker went her way, and I went mine. Mid way through the party we left to take the kids home to bed, then she stayed home (to work on her book?) while I went back to the party.

Saturday was another completely separate day. She got up early to work out while I stayed with the kids. Then she had to start prepping for work, working, etc so I took the boys to karate lessons, shopping, etc while she worked. In the afternoon, I did a practice tri (swim, bike, run) while she took the boys to a couple of childrens birthday parties. In the evening we were supposed to go to dinner at another friends house, but there were no babysitters available, so she went alone. I stayed home and prepped for the century on Sunday.

I have been planning the the bike ride for yesterday for a number of weeks, and she always wanted to go, even up through saturday night when she asked me to prep her bike for her. Sunday morning, however, when it came to get out of bed early, she bailed and said I should go alone.

I took off by myself and joined the 40+ other cyclers on the ride. It was a lot of fun, and a lot more competitive than I had expected. The other guys on the ride were really pushing the speed. My legs gave out after 90 miles and the last 10 miles were hell, but it felt really good to finish it.

Even though it annoyed me that she changed plans at the last minute, I also did appreciate the ability to ride the whole way without worrying about switch-offs with my W and the fact that she watched the kids all day, giving me a free day off.

I got back late yesterday evening, had a second dinner (starting to make up for the calories burned) and went to bed by 9. Mrs. Thinker stayed up until past midnight (working on her book again?)

So once again a weekend that was fun and relaxing, without conflict, but also without much togetherness or even interaction; living our separate lives together.

Today I am wiped out. Need to get my **s in gear and get working.

Oh Thinker...

Each of you has needs that aren't being met. At some point, there will be a breaking point. She already had hers when she dropped the bomb. You got her halfway back... Now what? Do you wait until her next breaking point, or do you have yours?

I hope that you are able to break through this wall. Somehow.

Lucky

Oh Don't I know it...

I was just sitting here thinking about this very question.

There are two opposing strategies, and based on having tried both, I am not sure which works less well

1) Detach, live my own life. No pressure. Wait for WAS to come back...
This leads to no R discussions (W never initiates, so...), and relatively few interactions. I stay sane and level. In my mind, we just seem to get farther and farther apart as the weeks go by.

But maybe it needs more time?

You are right, my biggest fear of this one is that over time, my W will just say "yep, still nothing there!" and walk away again.

2) Actively try to break through the wall.
Open up, self validated intimacy, stolen kisses, Strong confidence, initiating ML, etc.

This leads to R discussions, strong rejections by WAW, W bringing up D, and a Thinker on an emotional roller coaster. This is without a doubt perceived by W as pure pressure.

But maybe it needs more self confidence on my part?


For now, I am sticking with strategy 1.

I think Strategy 1 is the way to go for now, but perhaps experiment with some Strategy 2 actions to check reaction? I think I have done a bit of that myself lately with somewhat positive results. Tread lightly though.

Agreed,

So far Strategy 2 has either gotten me either rejection (with unhappiness showing clearly on her face) or apathetic acquiescence.

I'm not sure which is worse...

Hi Thinker,

Have you read HHIF's thread in Newcomers? I wonder if you two can help each other. He's been "reconciled" with his W for a year and there is still no movement toward intimacy.

Lucky

Hmmmmm!

Just remembered that I have a wedding anniversary coming up in 2 weeks. I need to think about how I am going to handle that.

In the past, it would have been a card and a present (almost as an afterthought - CLUELESS! ). Last year my W gave me a card that was basically emotionless, so I don't want to pursue or overwhelm, but I don't want to be the old me either.

This year I think my W is planning to be away for the day - off to visit her mother who is sick.

Just something to think about...

-----

Went for a run this morning. My legs are still punishing me from this weekend.

Now I'm "trying" to be productive...

A friend forwarded me this interesting article about happiness and the Harvard study that is used as much of the basis behind "Learned Optimism.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200906/happiness

It's worth the half hour or so that it takes to read.

Thinker, Interesting article. Covers a lot of ground that is explored here. I am always interested in what makes us do the things we do, helps me at home, work, coaching and for my own self-awareness. Self-Actualisation will get there someday.
Cheers