My WAW and I separated 5 days ago. I have only sent her a text and a goodnight msg over Facebook IM. The text was very lite. She responded to both but has done nothing to initiate conversation. I talked to a phone counselor a few days ago and said I was ready to start LRT's but definitely not go dark. My WAW has not initiated any convo and I would hate to think that any attempt no matter how lite or neutral or just for fun could be construed as pursuing by my W. On the bright side almost all of my stuff is still at my W and SIL's place and there has been no pressure for me to get it or anything about being taken off the lease. Of course I haven't brought it up because I believe any D work, D research, D talk, separation talk or suggestions are my W's monkey not mine. Anyway, is this a good time to just be dim (wait for her to initiate any convo) while I am GAL'ing and getting used to my separation? I also have not said much to her twin sister who lives with her (we all lived together before the separation because SIL's husband passed away a few months before)
Stand down, soldier. You need to take a really deep breath. Get the Divorce Recovery book and read it. Don't do anything to initiate contact just yet. Let her have a little time in her head without you there.
Tell us more about your sitch so we can be more helpful. Why did you separate? Did she ask you to leave or did you choose to? What are some of the issues you are aware of.
Frequently, the one left behind is blamed for every bad thing that has ever happened. It is so very hard to do, but you need to simply validate it. Don't argue with her right now. It seems unfair and frankly it is, but this is your reality now.
Sorry you had to come here, but this is the best place to be at this time in your life. Strap on your big-boy briefs, as this is not something that will have a quick fix. We all hope for them, but it didn't get messed up in a short period of time and it will take time to resolve.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Here is a description of the bomb which happened 5/7/09 "Hi Drew here.. I got a pretty large ball dropped on me when my wife said she probably didn't want to be in our marriage anymore. We have been married since 6/20/08 and shortly after in November we suffered from a very traumatic family tragedy. My wife has a twin sister who she is very close to and that sister's husband committed suicide. We decided to take my SIL in a larger townhome after she got her insurance settlement. Things have been a lot of fun but it definitely put a strain on my marriage. My wife and I had a good relationship before it. Anyway, my trouble is I have been really clammed up trying to communicate about how I felt and it obviously took it's toll. I could tell since Feb that my wife had been getting more aloof and moody and she got on anti-depressants.. she had her dose upped just a few days before admitting she may want to breakup. Our sex life did suffer but we were still averaging about once or twice a week regardless. Anyway, during the convo we had she gave me the spiel about not being cut for marriage, she loved me wasn't in love with me, and that I didn't deserve this or the aloofness she focused on me. She said she felt smothered being in a marriage and trying to help her sister in her grief. I asked my wife if she was willing to try to work to save our marriage and she said she didn't think so. I think she is pretty confused and not sure if she wants to go through with this or not. I am pretty torn up of course because she is the one for me as far as I am concerned."
..anyway she had hinted that I leave asking me if I had talked to friends and family. I took the initiative and told her that I was leaving on 5/22. She seemed stunned by this (said "what about us what do we do?) but I was not surprised because I know a WAW's behavior is never consistent. I left because I knew that was the only way she would be able to regain clarity, get her space, and perhaps wonder why she is driving the man who treated her better than anyone else in the past out of her life. I did this out of love for my wife and it is not anything I would have had the maturity to do in the past. Anyway, I think the problem is I let my boundaries slip with her during our crisis time involving her twin sister. It also seems like she and her twin want to just be with each other and she can't handle being in a marriage. My wife is dysthymic and I believe due to her poor self esteem the she thinks she is not cut out for marriage. Basically she feels smothered between marriage and taking on her sisters grief and somehow fell 'out of love' with me in just a few short months after her twin sister's situation. Is there any more info I could give btw? I have ordered Divorce Remedy and am doing pretty well at detaching and not pursuing.
Incidently my SIL told me my WAW was not in any hurry to file or act on D. My W seemed pretty dead set that there would be no working on the M when she dropped the bomb so that is kind of promising.
Well today was ok. I am determined to not initiate contact for the time being. I have Divorce Remedy btw and am probably going to backtrack on some of the reading tonight and refresh my memory a little. I got out and hiked in a very nice woodsy area in my city and when I was done was winded and relaxed. I got a little discouraged this evening thinking how much I really just missed the good friendship we have (still have I am sure - it's just really early on in this situation to even say). Not to mention the friendship I have with my SIL who we had to take in. I now realize just how much patience will be required to get out marriage back on track and for me to want to make the changes for myself with or without her. I thought about emailing my wife about my desire to be friends and maybe chat but I decided against it. I now realize that giving her space is not only about loving her that much to allow it but it is an act of friendship as well.
It is promising that she wondered about "us." Hold off on contact for right now. When you do have contact you do not have to be stand-offish. The DB way is a guide, not a rule.
You have much to learn yet and so you should just try to focus. Be patient and caring, non-confrontational, and do everything you can not to try to convince her of anything right now.
She doesn't think she wants to work on the M Right NOW. That doesn't mean your D is set in stone.
This will take time. As I said before. We all hope that our WAW's will "wake up" and realize that we are their soul-mates. Think back to when you met. What was it about each other that generated interest? What made you like each other?
It is entirely possible that she could be depressed. Even so, this would not explain everything nor would it convince her that this is not the way to go.
You still have time. You really do. It isn't over yet.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Oh she is definitely depressed. Hopefully the space I am giving will help her feel comfortable enough to address it more effectively.
I have a question about validation. I understand I definitely need to validate when she wants to blame me for things that went wrong. But much of this problem comes from her poor self-esteem. When she dropped the bomb and in a later conversation she said she hated how she treated me, felt like she couldn't compromise, and explained how no one could change. A Very pessimistic attitude. Is it best to validate this too or turn it around into some sort of compliment about the WAW's strengths?
A few days ago I went to an IC and also a Dr to get back on an ADHD med. Strattera. I am already feeling the benefits. W texted me Friday asking how the Dr appt went. I was a little surprised that she asked. Otherwise we have not really had any contact over the last 10 or so days we have been separated. I think I have already gotten pretty used to that so I think I will give myself a little pat on the back for that. I have had my good and bad days but have found for the most part changing up my routine a little has worked wonders. I think there may be divorce papers in a file I saw under one of her desks but as of right now they are sitting there collecting dust. I noticed them but didn't look all that intently the last few times I went by for some of my stuff. I am guessing they are sitting there to make her feel ok about this, or to validate her own sense of 'new found freedom'. My goal is to not really wonder or question in my mind what my depressed WAW's actions are really all about.
---- me-36 WAW-32 separation - 5/22/09 WAW twin sister-32 (lives with WAW) SIL H death - 11/02/08 ILYBIANILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
1. be less sensitive and less defensive when questioned about something 2. be more upfront about my feelings even if angry, sad, etc. 3. work on boundaries
thanks for posting to my thread. I just have a quick minute now, but plan on reading through your thread more tomorrow. Just wanted to say, you said its been 10 days no contact now, I know it killed me, practically, in the beginning with the stretches of NC but looking back 10 days does not seem all that much now, and honestly in those 10 days, when I was able to stop checking my phone and thinking about H, I had time to recover myself some, catch up on sleep and put some time into taking care of myself in the essential ways that often get lost when you feel so devastated. So hang in there and try to make sure you look after yourself and keep posting, I found that it helped me.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Thanks, my DB coach said my situation was unique and that I needed to subtly initiate contact from time to time. The reason is my wife needs to see a spontaneous and confident side of me that was compromised when we moved in with her twin sister after her H died. She said that part of the reason we are in this situation is that twin sister (inadvertantly) gotten in the way of our M enough that there was no way we could be spontaneous and have true cultivating alone time. Anyway, I need to find opportunities to talk to my W alone so she can see any changes I have made over the last few weeks. The coach also believes my wife thinks I gave in too easily with separation. That her "what about us?" spiel holds merit. That I need to make sure my W still sees I care and have the door open for her. This seems like it will be a hard situation to balance the fact that she needs space but I need to be around enough to show interest. Incidently we chatted on FB chat for a little while. She sent me a few of the silly little icon faces so I think she was pleased to hear from me. She did ask how my family was taking the news and I was pretty vague.
